Jokes News

A boy was under foot all morning while his mother was trying to clean the house.

She tells her son to go across the street where they are building a house to see if he might learn something.

A few hours later the boy returns home, the mother asks, “What did you learn?”
He replies, “Well, you hand the damn door up there and it doesn’t fit, of course. So you take it down and trim a cunt hair off each side and rehang the Son-of-a-Bitch!!”

The mother says, “You shouldn’t talk like that! Go to your room until your father gets home!!”

A few hours pass and the father comes home. The mother tells him to go up to his son’s room and find out what he learned today.

The father goes up to the son’s room and ask, “So son what did you learn today?”

The boy replies, “First you hang the damn door up there and it doesn’t fit, of course. So you have to take it down and trim a cunt hair off each side and rehang the Son-of-a-Bitch!!”

The father says, “Go outside and get me a switch”.

The Boy replies, “Fuck you! That’s the electrician’s job!!!”

My Grandpa and Grandma were sitting on their porch swing enjoying the nice evening breeze, when Grandpa lovingly leaned over and said, “Hey Ma, I’m gonna have some ice cream, would you like some?”

“Yeah, Pa, but you’d better write it down or you’ll forget”, says Grandma.

Grandpa replies, “I won’t forget.” “Alright then”, says Grandma, “I’d like nuts and whipped cream and a cherry on mine.

You’d better write that down, Pa you’re gonna forget it.” Disgruntled, Grandpa storms off to the kitchen mumbling that he wouldn’t forget.

Well he’s in there a long time, and when he finally does return, he has the best lookin’ plate of scrambled eggs you ever saw. He smiles his best smile and leans over to give it to Grandma.

She just smiles back and says, “I told you that you’d better write it down, you old coot, you forgot my bacon!!!”…

A man was sitting at a bar enjoying an after-work cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous & sexy young woman entered. She was so striking that the man could not take his eyes away from her.

The young woman noticed his overly-attentivestare & walked directly toward him.

Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman said to him, ‘I’ll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100 on one condition.’

Flabbergasted, the man asked what the condition was.
The young woman replied, ‘You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.’

The man considered her proposition for a moment, withdrew his wallet from his pocket & slowly counted out five $20 bills, which he pressed into the young woman’s hand.

He looked deeply into her eyes & slowly, meaningfully said,
‘Paint my house.’

An old man gets on the subway one afternoon, and sits down across from a punk rocker with red, green, yellow and orange hair and feather earrings. The man stares at the punk, looking puzzled.

The punk says, “What’s the matter, old man? Didn’t you ever do anything wild in your life?”
The old man replies, “Yeah, I screwed a parrot once. I was just wondering if you were my kid.”

She was sooooooooooooooo blonde,

She sent me a fax with a stamp on it.

She thought a quarterback was a refund.

She tried to put M&M’s in alphabetical order.

She thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.

She thought Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools.

She thought General Motors was in the army.

She thought “Meow Mix” was a CD for cats.

She thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.

Under “education” on her job application, she put “Hooked On Phonics.”

She tried to drown a fish.

She tripped over a cordless phone, and had one installed in every room of her home.

She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said, “concentrate”.

She got stabbed in a shoot-out.

She told me to meet her at the corner of “WALK” and “DON’T WALK”.

She thinks “assets” are small donkeys.

She thinks a “Mexican border” pays rent every month.

They had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade.

At the bottom of the application where it says, “sign here,” she put “Gemini”.

She asked for a price check at “Just A Buck”.

It takes her two hours to watch “60 Minutes”.

She studied for a blood test & a urine test - and failed both.

She thought she needed a token to get on “Soul Train.”

She sold the car for gas money!

When she saw the movie sign that read, “under 17 not admitted”, she went home and got 16 friends to go in with her.

When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around at home, she moved.

She thinks “Taco Bell” is the Mexican phone company.

When she missed the number 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice, instead.

When she went to the airport and saw a sign that said “Airport Left,” she turned around and went home.

She got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.

She locked her keys in her car and called the locksmith saying, “Hurry and get here! It’s gonna rain and I left the top down!”

118. By the end of the party, he’s got every damn kid doing the “pull my finger” trick.
17. Clown car must be started with a Breathalyzer device.
16. Keeps screaming, “My name’s not BO-zo, it’s bo-ZO!”
15. References to Kierkegaard and Nietzsche are lost on most 5-year olds.
14. Props for his “disappearing” trick: a moving van and your wide-screen TV.
13. Scares the holy hell outta the kids during the “Severed Limb” trick.
12. Tells the kids he killed Barney in a blood match in Newark.
11. Didn’t bring any balloons, but manages to twist your dachshund into other animal shapes.
10. Prefaces each trick with, “Here’s a little number I learned in thejoint.”
9. Not exactly the PeeWee Herman impression you were expecting!
8. Wears a t-shirt that says, “Drug-free since March!”
7. More interested in squirting seltzer into his Scotch than into his pants.
6. Those huge ears look too darn life-like, and the entire act consists of showing charts and complaining about the national deficit.
5. A sad clown is one thing–a clown who spends the entire party with a gun to his temple is another thing entirely.
4. Only balloon animals he can make are a snake and a “snake on acid.”
3. Business cards include the phrase, “From the Mind of Stephen King.”
2. Price list includes “lap dance” and “around the world.”
1. All the balloon animals are ribbed and lubricated.
8. By the end of the party, he’s got every damn kid doing the “pull my finger” trick.17. Clown car must be started with a breathalyzer device.
16. Keeps screaming, “My name’s not BO-zo, it’s bo-ZO!”
15. References to Kierkegaard and Nietzsche are lost on most 5-year olds.
14. Props for his “disappearing” trick: a moving van and your wide-screen TV.
13. Scares the holy hell outta the kids during the “Severed Limb” trick.
12. Tells the kids he killed Barney in a blood match in Newark.
11. Didn’t bring any balloons, but manages to twist your dachshund into
other animal shapes.
10. Prefaces each trick with, “Here’s a little number I learned in thejoint.”
9. Not exactly the PeeWee Herman impression you were expecting!
8. Wears a t-shirt that says, “Drug-free since March!”
7. More interested in squirting seltzer into his Scotch than into hispants.
6. Those huge ears look too darn life-like, and the entire act consists
of showing charts and complaining about the national deficit.
5. A sad clown is one thing–a clown who spends the entire party with a
gun to his temple is another thing entirely.
4. Only balloon animals he can make are a snake and a “snake on acid.”
3. Business cards include the phrase, “From the Mind of Stephen King”.
2. Price list includes “lap dance” and “around the world.”
1. All the balloon animals are ribbed and lubricated.

10. “Read My Lips - No New Interns”

9. “Reward Me For Putting Up With Bill’s Crap For So Long”

8. “Isn’t It Time You Were Disappointed By A Different Clinton?”

7. “Ask Not What Your Country Can Do For You, Ask How You Can Illegally Contribute To My Campaign”

6. “Vote For Me Or My Husband Will Nail Your Wife”

5. “You Give Me A Vote, I’ll Get Vernon Jordan To Give You A Job”

4. “Still Not Indicted As Of 1999!”

3. “From Perjury To Albany”

2. “Building A Bridge To The 21st Century, And Pushing My Husband Over It”

And the NUMBER ONE Hilliary Clinton Campaign Slogan …
1. “Oh Lord, Please Don’t Make Me Go Back to Arkansas!!”