Jokes News

There is an ongoing conference on sex education in a jampacked 400-seat auditorium. The current lecturer is addressing the standing-room-only audience on the various ways of making love. He says, “Before I begin, I would like to know from you the audience how many lovemaking positions there are. Let’s start with the gentleman in the front row. You, sir, how many positions do you know of?”

The man clears his throat and says in a low voice, “Around seven.”

“Hmm… okay,” says the lecturer. “Anyone else?”

Then a loud voice from the back of the audience booms, “One hundred and one!”

Since the lecturer cannot see who has made that remark, he lets it pass and turns to the man on the third row. “You sir, the one with the glasses in the third row. How many positions do you know of?”

The bespectacled man fidgets a bit and says abruptly, “Eleven.”

“That’s interesting,” comments the lecturer. Then the same loud voice calls out, “One hundred and one!”

Still the lecturer ignores the persistent kibitzer as he turns his attention on a blonde girl in the second row. He says, “Young lady, how many positions do you know of?”

The girl hesitates a bit but the lecturer gently encourages her until she says in a small voice, “One.”

“Only one? I find that a bit strange. And what is that?”

“Man on top of woman,” says the uneasy girl. This time the same loud voice hollers, “One Hundred and Two!”

Q: Why do blondes talk to themselves while they are on the toilet?

A: So they’ll know which lips to wipe when they’re done!!!

A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the counter, then started talking
to him, and tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, “You know that fur coat you promised me, Irving?”
She answered herself by saying, “I bought it with the insurance money!”

She then said, “Irving, remember that new car you promised me?” She answered again, saying, “Well, I bought it with the insurance money!”

Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said, “Irving remember that big blow job I promised you?”

She then inhaled deeply, puckered her lips and leaned forward toward the ashes….

Q: What does a woman do when she gets home from a Spousal Abuse meeting?

A: The dishes, if she knows what’s good for her!

Yo mama so stupid she took a spoon to the Super Bowl.

It was lying limp in my hand. It was very long, kind of thin. I slid it between my fingers until I got to the end of it. It became firm in my hand. I was turning it on. The end was wet. Then it got very hard and began gushing out of the tip.

So I took the garden hose and watered all my flowers.

(Well, just what did you THINK I was talking about!)

On his first visit to the zoo, a little boy stared at the caged stork for a long time. He waved, jumped up and down and stared at the stork awhile longer.

Finally, turning to his father, he exclaimed, “Gee, Dad, he doesn’t even recognize me!”

The newly-married husband came home from the office to find his young wife in floods of tears. “Whatever could have happened?” he thinks, “Who died?”

“Darling, whatever is the matter?” he asks.

“Sweetheart,” she sobs, “the most terrible thing has happened! I cooked my first Beef Bourguignon for you, and I got it out of the oven to season it, and the phone rang. When I came back from answering it,” she sobbed again, “I found that the cat had eaten it!”

“Don’t worry, Darling,” said her husband, consoling her. “Don’t cry. I’ll get you a new cat in the morning . . . .”

There was this English man who was on an exploration. But in the middle he was trapped by a native tribe.

After being caught he thought forsure that he would be killed.

And prayed to God stating, “Oh God, I’m really screwed!!”

He then heard a voice from heaven telling him that he is not screwed yet “See that stone” the voice said ” pick it up and bash the leader head till he’s dead.”

The man with no other hope took the rock and bashed the chiefs head in!

While standing panting next to the dead body with all the villagers gaping at him, he heard the voice again.

“NOW your screwed!”

If a dwarf convict escapes from prison, is he considered ‘at large’?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Can you be a closet claustrophobic?

If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?

When it rains, why don’t sheep shrink?

If the police arrest a mime artiste, do they tell her that she has the right to remain silent?

Why is the word abbreviation so long?

If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?

Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?

What do you do when you discover an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?

Is it possible to be totally partial?

What is another word for thesaurus?

When ship companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?

If it is tourist season, why can’t we shoot them?

Why do they sterilise the needles for lethal injections?

Why is there an expire date on sour cream?

Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

How do you know when it is time to tune your bagpipes?

When you choke a smurf, what colour does it turn?

Do they have reserved parking for non handicap people at the special Olympics?

Why do they call it a TV set when you get only one?

If you shoot a mime do you use a silencer?

When they messed up the design of the drawing board what did they go back to?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

What is the speed of dark?

How come you never hear about gruntled employees?

What is a ‘free’ gift? Aren’t all gifts free?

After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the
water?

If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?

What is another word for synonym?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself is this a hostage situation?

When sign makers go on strike, what is written on their picket signs?

Where do forest rangers go to ‘get away from it all’?

Why isn’t there mouse-flavoured cat food?

How can there be SELF help GROUPS?

Why are cigarettes sold in petrol stations when it is prohibited to smoke there?

Why is it when you transport something by car, it is called shipment, but when you transport something by ship it is called cargo?

If you eat pasta and antipasta are you still hungry?

If you try to fail and succeed which have you done?

If the black box is never damaged in a plane crash, why isn’t the entire plane made out of the same stuff?

If most car accidents occur within 5 miles of the home why doesn’t everyone just move 10 miles away?

If you grab hold of the wagging tail of a dog, why doesn’t the dog wag?

Why do we drive on Parkways and park on driveways?