Jokes News

Even though I was an engineering student at the University of Maryland, chemistry was a required course in my day. The Professor, on the first day of class, asked everyone to name the most outstanding contribution chemistry had made to society.

When my turn came, I answered, “Blondes!”

Since he was a Texan being tried in New York, the young man felt he didn’t have a prayer of beating his murder rap. So, shortly before the jury was to retire, he bribed one of the jurors to find him guilty of manslaughter, not murder.

The jury was out for days, after which they returned a verdict of manslaughter. Cornering the bribed juror, the Texas whispered.

“Thanks a million! However did you manage it?”

“It wasn’t easy, admitted the bribed juror, . . . “All the others wanted to acquit you.”

Kid: Did you hear about Bill Clinton wanting to change the national anthem?

Kid2: No, what is it going to be?

Kid: “Yank My Doodle It’s A Dandy?

A Texan was trying to impress a guy from Boston with an account of the heroism at the Alamo. He says, “I guess you don’t have many heros where you’re from?”

The Bostonian replies, “Well, have you heard of Paul Revere?”

And the Texan says, “Paul Revere? Isn’t he the guy who ran for help?”

What two things in the air can make a woman pregnant?

HER FEET!!!!!!

After spending 3-1/2 hours enduring the long lines, surly clerks and insane regulations at the Department of Motor Vehicles, I stopped at a toy store to pick up a gift for my son. I brought my selection - a baseball bat - to the cash register.

“Cash or charge?” the clerk asked.

“Cash,” I snapped. Then apologizing for my rudeness, I explained, “I’ve spent the afternoon at the motor-vehicle bureau.”

“Shall I giftwrap the bat?” the clerk asked sweetly. “Or are you going back there?”

A couple were coming back from a dinner party one night.
The wife said,”I want you to know that I had an affair with someone, and now I’m leaving you.”

The husband said nothing but just increased the speed of his car from 60mph to 70mph.

The wife added, “I want the cars and the kids.”

The husband still remained silent and increased the speed to 80mph.

The wife still added, “I want the house and the money too, oh and is there anything you want?”

“No I already have all that I need,” said the husband.
“And what is that?” questioned the wife.

And just before hitting a wall at 90mph, the husband said, “I have the air-bag!”

What does P.M.S. stand for?

Putting up with Men’s Shit!

A middle-aged guy says to his wife,”You should go bra-less.”
She says, “Do you think my breasts are still perky enough?”
He says, “No, but maybe it’d pull the wrinkles out of your face.”

Three priests were at a bus station looking for the ticket booth to buy tickets for Pittsburgh. When they found the ticket booth, they saw that the ticket seller was a young, beautiful, buxomy blonde wearing an low-cut, tight outfit that emphasized her extremely large and shapely bosom.

The eldest of the three priests, Father O’Rourke, turned to the youngest priest and said, “Father Murphy, go to that booth and buy tickets to Pittsburgh.”

When he approached the ticket booth, Father Murphy smiled at the blonde and said, “I would like to buy three tickets to Tittsburgh…” Realizing what he had just said, Father Murphy reddened with shame and returned to his group without the tickets. Upon hearing what had just happened, Father O’Rourke handed a quarter to the middle-aged priest said, “I guess you will have to buy the tickets, Father O’Reilly. And please get me change for this quarter. I want it changed into a dime, two nickles and five pennies.”

When he got to the ticket booth, Father O’Reilly said to the blonde, “Good morning. I would like to buy three tickets to Pittsburgh and could you please change this quarter into one dime, five pennies and two nipples?” Realizing his faux pas, Father O’Reilly was so embarrassed that he returned to his group without the tickets and the change.

After hearing what had transpired, Father O’Rourke was so incensed that he took the quater from Father O’Reilly and said quite angrily, “Do I have to do everything for you two? All right then, I will go buy the tickets. Just wait here until I’m back.”

When he got to the ticket booth, Father O’Rourke said to the blonde, “Young lady. I would like to buy three tickets to Pittsburgh. And would you be kind enough to change this quarter into one dime, two nickles and five pennies? Thank you.”

After paying for the tickets and receiving the change for the quarter, Father O’Rourke then faced the blonde and wagging his finger at her, he said, “Young lady. Your dress is quite inappropriate to wear to work. I am sure that right at this moment in heaven, St. Finger is mostly likely wagging his peter at you as I am doing right now.”