Jokes News

A jokester, stifling a laugh, said, “Listen to this: One day Moskowitz and Finkelstein were going to—”

At this, Mr. Cohen, who happened to be among the audience, said, “Moskowitz and Finkelstein; Moskowitz and Finkelstein; always two Jews. Why do they have to be Jewish? Can’t you tell the joke with other nationalities involved? Why don’t you make them Chinese for a change?

The jokester, sobered and rather embarrassed, said, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to offend. Here’s the joke: One day, Hong-lee Yang and Mao-chen Foo were going to the synagog to attend the bar mitzvah of Hong-lee Yang’s nephew—”

The Scottsman responded after being asked the usual question…. “What does a scottsman wear under his kilt?”

Why on a Good day……
Lipstick !!!!

There were these two old women, Ethel and Bertha, that lived in a nursing home. There were these two old men, Paul and Bill, that the old women liked, but the men paid them no attention. The women did everything to get their attention. They cooked them their favorite meals, they flirted with them, etc.

One day Ethel said to Bertha, “I know something we can do to get their attention!”

Bertha replied, “Well, what is it?”

Ethel said, “Let’s go streaking in front of them.”

Well, the women stripped off all their clothes and ran in front of Bill and Paul. The old men didn’t budge. They just kept rocking in their rocking chairs. Bill said to Paul, “Wasn’t that Ethel and Bertha?”

Paul replied, “Yea it was.”

“What were they wearing?” Bill asked.

Paul replied, “I don’t know, but it sure needed ironing!”

knock knock……..

who’s there?

canteloupe.

canteloupe who?

canteloupe tonight, dad’s got the car

Three pregnant ladies — a blonde, a brunette and a redhead –having a conversation.

The brunette says: I think I’m going to have a boy because when my husband and I had sex I was on top.

The redhead says: Well, I think I’m going to have a girl because when we had sex I was on the bottom.

The blonde cries: Oh no, I think I’m going to have puppies!

Did you hear about the two corpuscles who loved in VEIN?

What do you give “The Man Who Has Everything” for his birthday???

Crack! Next year he’ll have nothing.

A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the lawyer three months to track down.

After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply (actual letter):

“Upon review of your letter adjoining your client’s loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral proper back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin.”

Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows (actual letter): “Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been received.

“I note that you wish to have title extended further than the 194 years covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased by the U.S. from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application. For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain.

“The land came into possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the then reigning monarch, Isabella.

“The good queen, being a pious woman and careful about titles, almost as much as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to fund the Columbus expedition.

“Now the Pope, as I’m sure you know, is the emissary of God. And God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that He also made that part of the world called Louisiana. He, therefore, would be the owner of origin. I hope you find His original claim to be satisfactory.

“Now, may we have our darned loan?”

1. Don’t ever lie to us, we always find out.
2. We don’t enjoy talking dirty to you as much as you enjoy listening.
3. Don’t say you understand when you don’t.
4. Girls are petty, get over it.
5. You don’t have PMS; don’t act like you know what it’s like.
6. Saying something sweet might get you off the hook; doing something sweet will always get you off the hook.
7. If you talk about having a big dick, we know you don’t.
8. Size does matter.
9. We don’t like it when you act like Mr Big; we like it when you are Mr Big.
10. A system in your car only impresses your homeboys.
11. No matter what you say, your ex girlfriend is a hoe.
12. It’s good to be sensitive, sometimes.
13. If you did something wrong or even if you didn’t, apologize.
14. Be spontaneous, dinner and a movie won’t always cut it.
15. We are self-conscious by nature, we can’t help it.
16. We are drama queens.
17. Fashion police do exist.
18. **************Don’t ask us to give head; IF you are NICE you just MIGHT get it.*****************
19. We absolutely do not care about monster trucks, car systems, paintball or anything else you and your friends talk about.
20. Hugs and kisses must be given at all times.
21. We don’t shave our legs every day, get over it.
22. Don’t make bets about us, we always find out.
23. Shave- no matter how cool you think it looks, we hate it.
24. Even is you think it is cool to burp, fart, or emitt other strange gases from your body, it is not.
25. Don’t compare our breasts with Pamela Anderson’s, hers are fake.
26. It is not cool to shoot snot rockets.
27. We are beautiful, but make-up helps.
28. We will always think we are fat so humor us and tell us we aren’t.
29. You can shoot hoops, score a goal, knock down big fat guys, and hit a little baseball with a stick so why the hell can’t you piss in thetoilet and not on it…………seriously!!!
30. Most importantly- we are always right- so don’t forget it.

Q: Why are lesbians fat?

A: Cause they always eat out and don’t do dick.