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INSIDER’S GUIDE TO THE MALE VOCABULARY
( What a Male Says, and what it really means.)

“I want a commitment.”
“I’m sick of masturbation.”

“I’ll give you a call.”
“I’d rather have my nipples torn off by
wild dogs than see you again.”

“You’re the only girl I’ve ever cared about.”
“You are the only girl who
hasn’t rejected me.”

“I really want to get to know you better.”
“So I can tell my friends about it.”

“Haven’t I seen you before?”
“Nice ass.”

“She’s kinda cute.”
“I want to have sex with her till
I am blue.”

“I don’t know if I like her”
“She won’t sleep with me.”

“I miss you so much”
“I am so horny that my male roommate is
starting to look good.”

“Was it good for you?”
“I’m insecure about my manhood.”

“How do I compare with all your other boyfriends?”
“Is my penis really that small?”

“I had a wonderful time last night.”
“Who the hell are you?”

“Do you love me?”
“I’ve done something stupid and you
might find out.”

“Do you ‘really’ love me?”
“I’ve done something really stupid and
someone’s on their way to tell you by
now.”

“How much do you love me?”
“I need you to bail me out of jail.”

“I have something to tell you.”
“Get tested.”

“I’ve been thinking a lot.”
“You’re not as attractive as when I was
drunk.”

“I’ve learned a lot from you.”
“Next!!!!”

An 80 year old man is having his annual checkup. The doctor asks him how he’s feeling.

“I’ve never been better,” he replies. “I’ve got an eighteen year old bride who’s pregnant with my child! What do you think about that?”

The doctor considers this for a moment, then says, “Well, let me tell you a story. I know a guy who’s an avid hunter. He never misses a season. But, one day he’s in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. So he’s walking in the woods near a creek and suddenly spots a beaver in some brush in front of him? He raises up his umbrella, points it at the beaver and squeezes the handle…
*BAM* The beaver drops dead in front of him.”

“That’s impossible!” said the old man in disbelief, “Someone else must have shot that beaver.”

“EXACTLY!”

A man thinking his dog was dead takes him to the vet.

The vet takes the dog and runs a series of tests on him.

For the last test he takes a cat out from a cage and lets the cat run up and down on the dog’s back.

The vet then tells the man that the dog is indeed dead.
The vet then charges the man $120.

A $120 dollars!

Why!!!

$20 for the office call.
$100 for the catscan.

One day a blonde and a redhead were on a flight to Texas. They were one hour into the flight when they heard a loud BOOM! The pilot comes over the intercom and says, “Sorry for the noise folks. It seems that one of our engines has blown. But we have 3 other engines left so we will only be an hour off our arrival time.”

Then 5 minutes later there was another loud BOOM! The pilot came over the intercam and said, “Sorry again folks, another engine blew. But we will make it to Texas, but we will be 2 hours late.”

Then there came another BOOM! The pilot cames over the intercom sounding as if he had just peed in his pants out of fright. He said,” H-Hi f-f-olkss. Uh, we will be ar-rriving in T-Texas about 4 hours later than o-our original arrival time. We still have 1 engine left.”

Then the blonde says to the redhead, “If we lose another engine we’ll be stuck up here forever.”

There is this cop who is running low on his quota for the month and decides to check out one of the rowdier bars in town to catch some drunks. So, he’s waiting outside when about closing time this guy walks out, staggering, and falls down on the sidewalk. The cop is thinking, “boy, he’s drunk, this will be a good arrest.” The drunk guy crawls to his car, fiddles with his keys for about 30 minutes until he finds the right one to unlock the door. The cop is watching intently and smiling. Then the drunk gets in his car and fiddles with the keys again, trying to find the one that will start the car. By this time people have left and the bar is officially closed. When the drunk guy finally starts his engine and proceeds to drive away, the cop pulls him over and reads him his rights as he is handcuffing him. The cop then gives him the breathylizer test. It registers 0.0. The cop says, “What the hell, you mind explaining this to me?” and the drunk says, “Well, sir, tonight, I was the designated decoy.”

There was this construction worker on the 7th floor of this unfinished building. He needed a hand saw, but was too lazy to go down and get it himself. He tried to call his fellow worker on the ground to get one for him, but this guy could not hear a word he said.

So he started to give a sign so the guy on the ground could understand him. First he pointed at his eye (meaning “I”) then pointed at his knees (meaning “need”), and moved his hand back and forth describing the movement of a handsaw.

Finally, the guy on the ground started nodding his head like he understood and dropped his pants and started to jack off. The guy on the 7th floor got pissed and ran down to the ground and started yelling at this guy:
“You idiot, I was trying to say that I need a hand saw.”

The other guy replied:
“I know, I was trying to tell you that I’m coming…”

A skinhead type gets on the bus with an orange Mohawk cut all spiked out, green side burns, the whole bit.

Another more conventional and a generation older man can’t take his eyes of him.

Finally the skinhead says, “What’s the matter, old man? Can’t stand something different?”

The man replies kindly, “Oh no! It’s just that I screwed a parrot once and you may be my son.”

The North has sun-dried toe-mah-toes
The South has ‘mater samiches

The North has coffeehouses
The South has Waffle Houses

The North has dating services
The South has family reunions

The North has switchblade knives
The South has Lee Press-on Nails

The North has double last names
The South has double first names

The North has Ted Kennedy
The South has Jesse Helms

The North has an ambulance
The South has an amblance

The North has the Mafia,
The South has NASCAR

The North has Indy car races
The South has Swamp Buggy races

The North has Cream of Wheat or Oatmeal
The South has grits

The North has green salads
The South has collard greens

The North has lobsters
The South has crawdads

The North has Distilleries, Breweries, and liquor stores
The South has stills, shine, and them ridge runners

The North has the rust belt
The South has the Bible Belt

Q: What’s the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping Tom?

A: A pick pocket snatches watches while a peeping Tom watches snatches.