Jokes News

Exclamations:
“Well, knock me down and steal muh teeth!”
“Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit.”
“Ahm fixin ta do that”

Threats:
“I’ll slap you so hard, your clothes will be outta style.”
“This’ll jar your preserves.”
“Don’t you be makin’ me open up uh can uh whup-ass on ya!”

Good Things/Compliments:
“Cute as a sack full of puppies”
“If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoyit.”
“Gooder’n grits”

The Weather:
“It’s so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs.”
“It’s been hotter’n a goat’s butt in a pepper patch.”
Wintery roads are said to be “slicker’n otter snot”.

Descriptions:
A bothersome person is “like a booger that you can’t thump off.”
When something is bad then you say, “it ain’t no ‘count.”
If something is hard to do, it’s “like tryin’ ta herd cats”.
“He ran like his feet was on fire and his ass was catchin’.”
A hectic schedule keeps you “busier than a cat covering doodoo on a
marble floor”.

Insults:
“She’s uglier than homemade soap.”
“Your momma’s so fat, when she stepped up on the scale to be weighed, it said ‘To be continued’.”
“He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.”
“Uglier than a lard bucket full of armpits.”
“The wheels are still turnin’, but the hamster’s dead”
Any insulting statement is always followed by “bless his/her heart”.
“She’s dumber’n a door knob, bless her heart.”

Why did the chicken cross the playground?

To get to the other slide.

The Cohens were shown into the dentist’s office, where Mr. Cohen made it clear he was in a big hurry.

“No fancy stuff, Doctor,” he ordered, “No gas or needles or any of that stuff. Just pull the tooth and get it over with.”

“I wish more of my patients were as stoic as you,” said the dentist admiringly. “Now, which tooth is it?”

Mr. Cohen turned to his wife Becky. “Show him, honey.”

One fine day, Jim and Bob are out golfing. Jim slices his ball deep into a wooded ravine. He grabs his 8-iron and proceeds down the embankment into the ravine in search of his ball.

The brush is quite thick, but Jim searches diligently and suddenly he spots something shiny. As he gets closer, he realizes that the shiny object is in fact an 8-iron in the hands of a skeleton lying near an old golf ball.

Jim excitedly calls out to his golfing partner: “Hey Bob, come here, I got trouble down here.”

Bob comes running over to the edge of the ravine and calls out: “What’s the matter Jim?”

Jim shouts back in a nervous voice:”Throw me my 7-iron! You can’t get out of here with an 8-iron.”

What is the difference between a man and a boar?

A boar does not have to drink a fifth of whisky to make love to a pig!

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain’s parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician does in every trick.

Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show:

“Look, it’s not the same hat”

“Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table!”

“Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades ?”

The magician was furious but couldn’t do anything; it was the captain’s parrot, after all.

One day the ship had an accident and sunk. The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, with the parrot, of course. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a
day, and another, and another.

After a week the parrot finally said: “OK, I give up. What’d you do with the boat?”

Q: What’s the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?

A: A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.

Two people, fed up with Clinton’s rule, decided to blow up the White House. They put the bomb in the back seat of their car and were off on their mission.

First one, who was already a little squeamish, asked in a low voice: “Hey…! What if the bomb went off right now?”

Brave second one said, “Don’t worry! I’ve got a spare bomb in the trunk.”

Two campers were hiking in a the forest when, all of a sudden, a bear jumps out of a bush and starts chasing them.

Both campers start running for their lives when one of the guys stops and starts to put on his running shoes.

He partner says, “What in the world are you doing? You can’t outrun a bear!”

His friend replies, “I don’t have to outrun the bear. I only have to outrun YOU!”

On a Trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.

One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. “I’m too young to die!” she wails. Then she yells, “Well, if I’m going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I’ve had plenty of relationships in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I’ve had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??”

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. “I can make you feel like a woman,” he says.

He’s gorgeous. Tall, built, with flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves.

The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the strange man approaches.

He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman,and whispers:

“Iron this.”