Jokes News

(Must be read with an Italian accent)

One day ima gonna Malta to bigga hotel. Ina morning I go down to eat breakfast. I tella waitress I wanna two pissis toast. She brings me only one piss. I tella her I wanna two piss. She say go to the toilet. I say you no understand, I wanna to piss onna my plate. She say you better no piss onna plate, you sonna ma bitch. I don’t even know the lady and she call me sonna ma bitch.

I go to eat at the bigga restaurant. The waitress brings
me a spoon and knife but no fock. I tella her I wanna fock. She tell me everyone wanna fock.

I tell her you no understand. I wanna fock on the table. She say you better not fock on the table, you sonna ma bitch.

So I go back to my room inna hotel and there is no shits onna my bed. Call the manager and tella him I wanna shit. He tell me to go to toilet. I say you no understand.

I wanna shit on my bed. He say you better no shit onna bed, you sonna ma bitch.

I go to the checkout and the man at the desk say: “Peace on
you”. I say piss on you too, you sonna ma bitch, I gonna back to Italy.

Did you here about the dyslexic devilworshipper ?

He sold his soul to santa.

Two gay guys were in bed doing it, when one guy says, “Hey, I want a beer do you want one?”

The other guy says, “No thanx, sweetie.”

So the guy who wants the beer says, “Ok, but you have to promise not to jack off.”

The guy says, “Ok, I won’t.”

The guy gets his beer and when he comes back he sees white stuff on the wall next to his boyfriend.

“I told you not to cum until I got back!”

He says, “I didn’t, I just farted!”

A riddle:
What am I?

This useful tool, commonly found in the range of 8 inches long, the functioning of which is enjoyed by members of both sexes, is usually found hung, dangling loosely, ready for instant action. It boasts a clump of little hairy things at one end and a small hole at the other. In use, it is inserted, almost always willingly, sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly, into a warm fleshy, moist opening where it is thrust in and drawn out again and again many times in succession, often quickly and accompanied by squirming bodily movements.

Anyone found listening in, will most surely recognize the rhythmic, pulsing sound, resulting from the well lubricated movements. When finally withdrawn, it leaves behind a juicy, frothy, sticky white substance, some of which will need cleaning from the outer surfaces of the opening and some of from its long glistening shaft. After everything is done and the flowing and cleansing liquids have ceased emenating, it is returned to its freely hanging state of rest, ready for yet another bit of action, hopefully reaching is bristling climax twice or three times a day, but often much less.

WHAT AM I????

As you may have already guessed, the answer to the riddle is none other than your very own…………………

…………………..TOOTHBRUSH………………….
What were you thinking?????

You PERVERT !!

A woman got on a bus holding a baby.

The bus driver said, “That’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen.”

In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus.

The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.

“The bus driver insulted me!” she fumed.

The man sympathized and said, “Why, he’s a public servant and shouldn’t say things to insult passsengers.”

“You’re right,” she said. “I think I’ll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind.”

“That’s a good idea,” the man said. “Here, let me hold your monkey.”

(Q) What’s the difference between pink and purple?

(A) Your grip!

A man walks into a pub and sees a 6′ 4″ blonde at the bar he says to her do you want to hear a blonde joke. She turns to him and says look I’m the Ladies World long distance swimming champion and I weigh 13 stone and am not fat my blonde friend over there is the Ladies world weight lifting champion she weighs 16 stone and is not fat and sat next to her is my other blonde friend who is the Ladies world knife throwing champion and she always carries a knife do you still want to tell that blonde joke?

He replies… not if I have to explain it 3 times.

The seven dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are THE seven dwarfs,they are ushered in to see the Pope. Dopey leads the pack.

“Dopey, my son,” says the Pope, “What can I do foryou?” Dopey asks, “Excuse me, your Excellency, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?” The Pope wrinkles his brow at the odd question, thinks for a moment and answers, “No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome.”

In the background, a few of the dwarfs start giggling. Dopey turns around and gives them a glare, silencing them. Dopey turns back,”Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?” The Pope, puzzled now, again thinks for a moment and then answers,”No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe.”

This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter. Once again, Dopey turns around and silences them with an angry glare. Dopey turns back and says, “Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world!?”

“I’m sorry, my son, there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world.” The other dwarfs collapse into a heap, rolling and laughing,pounding the floor,tears rolling down their cheeks as they begin chanting……

“Dopey fucked a penguin!
Dopey fucked a penguin!”.

Q: How do you kill a blonde
A: Put a mirror on the bottom of a swimming pool