Jokes News

How do you circumsize a redneck?

Kick his sister in the chin.

An old farmer was hauling a load of manure when he was stopped by a state trooper.

“You were speeding,” the cop said. “I’m going to have to give you a ticket.”

“Yep,” the farmer said as he watched the trooper shoo away several flies.

“These flies sure are terrible,” the trooper complained.

“Yep,” the farmer said. “Them are circle flies.”

“What’s a ‘circle fly’?”

“Them’s flies that circle a horse’s tail,” answered the farmer. “Them are ‘circle flies’.”

“You wouldn’t be calling me a horse’s ass, would you?” the trooper angrily asked.

“Nope, I didn’t,” the farmer replied, “But you just can’t fool them flies.”

A woman carrying a baby got on a bus and after paying the fare, took a seat behind the bus driver. Later on, a drunken man got on the same bus and after paying his fare, took a seat beside the woman carrying a baby.

Since they were the only passengers on the bus, the drunk tried to strike up a conversation with the woman who tried her best to ignore him. Then the drunk took one look at the baby the woman was carrying and commented tactlessly, “Man, that is the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen.” This upset the woman so much that she screamed at the drunk, “Get away from us, you filthy drunk!” Then she started crying loudly.

Alerted by the commotion behind him, the bus driver pulled the bus over to the side of the road. Seeing the woman in tears, the bus driver grabbed the drunk by the collar and tossed him out of the bus. After closing the door, the bus driver consoled the woman, “Cheer up, lady. I don’t know what that drunk had said to make you upset but I won’t tolerate passengers getting harassed on my bus especially by drunks.” He then took out his handkerchief and offered it to the woman. “Here’s my hanky to wipe away your tears.” The woman took the handerchief to wipe away her tears saying “Thank you.”

“Feeling better now?” asked the bus driver solicitously.

The woman nodded. Then the bus driver reached under his seat to get his lunch box. He said to the woman, “Here’s a banana for that cute little monkey you got there.”

On their way home, after celebrating their 25th anniversary, she thanks him for a wonderful evening. “Oh, it’s not over yet,” says he.

Once in the house, he gives her a little black velvet box. She opens it in anticipation, “But what are these two little pills?”

“Aspirin,” says he.

“But I don”t have a headache,” says she.

“There you are! I told you the evening wasn’t over yet!” says he.

A guy walks into a bar, followed by 10 beautiful blondes, who are very affectionate to him. He orders a round of drinks for everyone in the place, pays for it, and tells the bartender to keep the change. All of a sudden, a little man, one foot tall, jumps out of the guy’s shirt pocket, and runs around the bar, kicking over drinks, peeing in the pretzel bowls, and calling the other customers names.

The bartender looks at the man, and asks him, “What’s going on? You come into my bar with 10 beautiful blondes, buy everyone a drink, then a one-foot-tall guy jumps out of your pocket and is rude and abusive to my customers? What’s up with that?”

The guy replies, “Well, I found a lamp on the street, but it was dirty, so I tried to clean it by rubbing it. A genie came out, and granted me 3 wishes. So I asked for 10 beautiful blondes, a million dollars in cash, and a 12-inch prick.”

An avid golfer goes to the local golf course to get in a couple hours of practice after work one day.

He hits a large bucket of balls on the driving range, but still hasn’t corrected the slice he’s working on.

Not having enough money to buy another bucket of balls and being all alone on the practice tee, he walks up the edge of the driving range picking up balls in the weeds and bushes so as not to be noticed.

Pretty soon, he can carry no more, so he stuffs twenty or so in the front pockets of his baggy pants until they are full.

Walking back to the tee, he notices a pretty young lady has come up to hit balls on the range also.

As he gets closer, she notices the bulges in his pants and makes a strange expression on her face.

Seeing this, the golfer is a little embarrassed and, wanting to explain, says, “Oh…they’re just golf balls…”

The young lady looks at him sympathetically and says, “Wow, is that anything like tennis elbow?”

In the Garden of Eden,
As everyone knows,
Lives Adam and Eve,
Without any clothes.

In this garden,
Were two little leaves,
One covered Adam’s,
One covered Eve’s.

As the story goes on,
Nevertheless to say,
The wind came along,
And blew the leaves away.

At the sight,
Adam did stare,
There was Eve’s treasure,
All covered with hair.

And wonder came,
Under Eve’s eyes,
As Adam’s thing,
Started to rise.

They found a spot,
That suited them best,
A nice big tree,
Where they began to rest.

Her legs spread wider,
And wider apart,
While thrill after thrill,
Came into her heart.

The head of Adam’s thing,
Peeked into the hole,
And filled her with passion,
Beyond her control.

Backward and forward,
His thing did slide,
And Eve’s treasure,
Was all wet inside.

The joy was good,
She would’t let loose,
Until Adam’s thing,
Was all out of juice.

Then through the years,
People did screw,
And now it is time,
For me and you.

So pull down your pants,
And lay in the grass,
Because, I’m in the mood,
For a piece of that ASS!

What’s worse than a piano out of tune?

An organ that goes flat in the middle of a piece.

Two friends were playing golf when one pulled out a cigar.
He didn’t have a lighter so he asked his friend if he had one.

”I sure do,” he replied and reached into his golf bag and pulled out a 12 inch BIC lighter.

”Wow!” said his friend, “where did you get that monster?”

”I got it from my genie.”

”You have a genie?” he asked

”Yes, he’s right here in my golf bag.” He opens his golf bag and out pops the genie.

The friend says, “I’m a good friend of your master. Will you grant me one wish?”

”Yes I will,” the genie said. So he asks him for a million bucks and the genie hops back into the golf bag and leaves him standing there waiting for his million bucks. Suddenly the sky begins to darken and the sound of a million ducks flying overhead is heard.

The friend tells his golfing partner, “I asked for a million bucks, not ducks!”

He answers, “I forgot to tell you the genie is hard of hearing. Do you really think I asked him for a 12 inch BIC?”