Jokes News

Yo mama’s so hunch-backed, she has to wear a snorkel and mask to wash the dishes.

“A horse! A horse! My kingdom for a horse spoke the actor dramatically from the stage.

“Would a jackass do?” called out a heckler in the balcony.

“Why yes,” said the actor. “Come on down.”

At the Seniors Citizens’ luncheon an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish. Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day.

The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure. They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asks the lady, “Do you want to go up or down?”

All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad, passionate love to the man right there in the boat. When they finished, the man couldn’t believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he’d had in years.

They fished for a while and then continued on down the river when soon they came upon another fork in the river. He asked the lady, “Do you want to go up or down?”

There she went again, stripped off and made wild, passionate love to him again.

This really impressed the old gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day. She said yes, and so here they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in river and the gentleman asks, “Well, do you want to go up or down?”

The woman replied, “Down.”

A little puzzled, the gentleman drove the boat down the river. When he came upon another fork, he asks her, “Do you want to go up or down?

She replied, “Up.”

This really confused the gentleman, so he asks, “What’s the deal? Every time yesterday that I asked you if you wanted to go up or down, you made mad, passionate love to me. Now today, nothing.”

She replied, “Well, yesterday, I didn’t have my hearing aid in, and I thought you said, ‘Fuck or drown’!”

What do you call 8 nights of great oral sex?

Hanukkah Lewinsky

There is no reason to be worried. In life there are only two things to worry about; whether you are well, or whether you are ill.

If you are well, there is nothing to worry about, but if you are ill there are two things to worry about; whether you get well, or whether you die.

If you get well,then there’s nothing to worry about. If you die, then there are two things to worry about; whether you go to Heaven or whether you go to Hell.

If you go to Heaven then you’ve got nothing to worry about. And if you go to Hell, you’ll be so busy shaking hands with friends, you won’t have time to worry!

George looks over the backyard fence and admires Fred’s wife while she is sunbathing, topless. The next day, George corners his neighbor on the driveway saying, “I saw your wife sunbathing in the backyard without her top on yesterday.”

Fred is quite put out over the peeping incident and tells George he plans revenge.

That very evening, Fred notices that George’s bedroom shades were up. Upon closer inspection, he notices George’s wife in the act of performing oral sex.

The very next day, Fred calls out to George, “Hey, George, I saw your wife giving you a blow-job last night.

George replies, “Hahaha, Liar! I wasn’t even HOME last night!”

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower.

In the middle of the night, the woman leans over and says, “I’m sorry to bother you, but I’m awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket.”

The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, “I’ve got a better idea….let’s pretend we’re married.”

“Why not,” giggles the woman.

“Good”, he replies. “Get your own damn blanket.”

Once a long time ago, there was a season when neither the Packers nor the Vikings made the post-season playoffs. It seemed so unusual that the management of both teams got together and decided that there should be some sort of competition between the two teams, because of their great on-going rivalry.

So they decided on a week-long fishing competition. The team that catches the most fish at the end of the week wins.

On a cold, northern Wisconsin lake, they began their contest.

The first day, after 8 hours of fishing, the Vikings had caught 100 fish, and the Packers had none.

At the end of the second day, the Vikings had caught 200 fish, and the Packers caught none again.

That evening the Packers’ coach got his team together and said, “I suspect some kind of cheating is taking place.” So the next morning, he dressed one of his players in purple and gold and sent him over to the Viking camp to act as a spy.

At the end of the day, he came back to report to the coach. The coach asked, “Well, how about it? Are they cheating?”

“The sure are!” the player reported. “They’re cutting holes in the ice!”

Mrs. Dahlia asks her class if anyone can use the word “contagious” in a sentence.

James stands up and says, “If you get Shigella it can be contagious.”

The teacher applauds him on a job well done.

Then she asks, “Anyone else?”

Billy, being ever so innocent, stands up, “I asked my dad the other day how long it would take for the neighbor to plant the rosebed she was working on and he told me it would take the contagious.”

Think about it…

Mom was trying to get her son to get out of bed and get ready for school. “I am not going to school!” the son responded defiantly.

“Why not?” Mom wanted to know.

“Well, first of all I hate school and second of all ..the kid all hate me!!” was the answer.

“Son, that’s not good reasons..you will have to get up and ready for school!” Mom replied.

“Well, give me two good reasons why I should,” the son said.

“Well,” Mom said quietly, “First of all you are 52 years old and second of all …You are the Principal.”