Jokes News

Two soldiers were having a chat during their free time.

First Soldier: Why did you join the army?

Second Soldier: I didn’t have a wife and I loved war. So I joined. How about you? Why did you join the army?

First Soldier: I had a wife and I loved peace. So I joined.

December 30, 2004/Washington, D.C.(Associated Press)

After four years of legal wrangling, George W. Bush was finally declared the winner of the 2000 Presidential Election yesterday.

Bush, a Republican, will take the oath of office at noon today and serves until January 20, 2005, a term of about three weeks. Then he gives way to the undisputed winner of the 2004 Presidential Election, New York Senator Hillary Rodham Greenspan (formerly Clinton).

Facing a drastically shortened presidency, Bush attempted to strike an optimistic tone last night. “We have a lot to accomplish in the next three weeks,” Bush said. “Reforming Social Security alone is probably going to eat up four or five hours. Let’s get to work!”

Aides yesterday were calling temporary employment agencies in a frantic effort to fill Cabinet posts. Bush’s victory ends a four-year court battle between him and Democratic candidate, Al Gore, over the results of the 2000 election.

While the dispute raged on, the nation installed an interim president–New York Yankees Manager, Joe Torre. Torre admitted that running a country and a baseball team simultaneously has been a strain. “At times, it’s been difficult to keep the two things straight. Although, in retrospect, trading Jesse Helms to the Red Sox turned out OK.”

Torre’s four years in office were marked by continued prosperity at home and relative calm abroad. His most controversial move was appointing Yankee’s bench coach, Don Zimmer to the Supreme Court. Critics charged that Zimmer lacked experience. He also spat tobacco juice on Antonin Scalia’s shoes, angering conservatives. Torre’s boldest foreign policy initiative was making Cuba the 51st state, in an effort to improve U.S. pitching.

Torre was planning to vacate the White House by midnight tonight, with Bush moving in immediately.

Eager to give an aura or permanancy to his three-week administration, Bush rebuffed suggestions that he sleep on a bare mattress on the floor and live out of suitcases.

Gore, meanwhile, has yet to concede defeat. The former Vice President issued a statement today saying, “It would be improper and disrespectful to the democratic process to act hastily before all the facts are known.” The legal tangle over the 2000 Election began with a Gore lawsuit over the confusing design of ballots in Florida. When the courts sided with Gore, Bush filed suit, arguing that the Oregon results were invalid because some ballots were yellow and others, pink. Gore countersued, charging that the West Virginia results should be thrown out because some people failed to receive, “I Voted Today” stickers.

Through the years, various officials proposed compromises to resolve the impasse. All were rejected, including:

***Establishing a co-presidency, with the two men sharing duties and splitting the White House. Although never implemented, the idea gave rise to a hit TV show–East Wing, West Wing.

***Establishing temporarily separate nations, with each candidate ruling the states he won in the 2000 Election. Gore, who failed to carry his native Tennessee, balked at that idea because it would mean showing a passport every time he went home.

Observers said the biggest challenge for the Bush administration will be working with Congress, which adjourns tomorrow and isn’t expected back until after Bush’s term ends. “One day may not be quite enough time to overhaul the tax system,” a Bush aide admitted. “But maybe we can get started and then finish it later with a big conference call or something.”

Meanwhile, Bush also must work on his legacy and prepare to transfer power to President-elect, Greenspan. She yesterday wished Bush well and asked if she could start moving some boxes into the White House basement.

An 80 year old man went for his annual check up and the doctor said, ”Friend, for your age you’re in the best shape I’ve seen.”

The old feller replied, “Yep. It comes from clean living. Why I know I Live a good, clean, spiritual life.”

The doctor asked, “What makes you say that?”

The old man replied, “If I didn’t live a good, clean life the Lord wouldn’t turn the bathroom light on for me every time I get up in the middle of the night.”

The doc was concerned.

”You mean when you get up in the night to go to the bathroom, the Lord Himself turns on the light for you?”

”Yep,” the old man said, “Whenever I get up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for me.”

Well, the doctor didn’t say anything else, but when the old man’s wife came in for her check up, he felt he had to let her know what her husband said.

”I just want you to know,” the doctor said. “Your husband’s in fine physical shape but I’m worried about his mental condition. He told me that every night when he gets up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for him.”

”He what?” she cried.

”He said every night when he gets up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for him.”

”Aha!!!” she exclaimed. “So he’s the one who’s been peeing in the refrigerator!”

A college senior took his new girlfriend to a football game. The young couple found seats in the crowded stadium and were watching the action.

A substitute was put into the game, and as he was running onto the field to take his position, the boy said to his girlfriend, “Take a good look at that fellow. I expect him to be our best man next year.”

His girlfriend snuggled closer to him and said, “That’s the strangest way I ever heard of, for a fellow to propose to a girl. Regardless of how you said it, I accept!”

A Jewish mother is walking down the street with her two young sons. A passerby asks her how old the boys are.

“The doctor is three,” the mother answers, “and the lawyer is two.”

ONE- Foreplay is not a privilege; it is a birthright.

TWO- If you take her out to a fancy restaurant, don’t try to subtly steer her away from the lobster, Diamond Jim.

THREE- Quit blowing smoke up women’s asses about the sanctity and power they possess as life-givers and come up with some decent affordable child care. That way, maybe poor single mothers can go to work and get off welfare, and we won’t have to listen to any more assholes in Congress blathering about orphanages.

FOUR- Equal work for equal pay. Look around you at work, guys. Look at say, Carl, the brain-dead jagoff in the cubicle next to you. You could kill Carl, couldn’t you, because he’s a slacking, worthless, toady idiot.

Now, imagine making 30 percent less than Carl.

FIVE- This is very important: During lovemaking, don’t ask, “Who’s your Daddy?” even as a joke, all right? It’s not funny.

SIX- When her mouth moves, pay attention; words could be coming out. Words are kind of important.

SEVEN- Pass a law that makes it compulsory for all over-the-hill rockstars to have women their own age in their videos.

EIGHT- Don’t ask her if she came. You’re a big boy now, Clouseau, you should know if she came.

NINE- Don’t tell her how to merge and she won’t tell you to ask for directions.

TEN- When she catches you cheating on her and cuts off your dick in your sleep, take it like a man.

So guys, at the end of the day, what women want is this: Equal pay, fair treatment, respect, patience, sensitivity, passion and a genuine effort at understanding who they really are.

Or if that’s too much to ask, how about a big fucking diamond the size of your head?

One night there were two drunks lying in a ditch, and one had his finger up the other one’s butt. A police officer was driving by and stopped when he saw them.

“What are you doing with your finger up his butt?” the policeman asked.

The drunk man said, “My friend is sick and I’m trying to make him puke…”

The cop said, “You can’t make him puke like that!”

The drunk replied, “Like hell I can’t… just wait until I stick it in his mouth.”

1. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.
2. Memorize your favorite poem.
3. Don’t believe all you hear, spend all you have, or sleep all you want.
4. When you say, “I love you,” mean it.
5. When you say, “I’m sorry,” look the person in the eye.
6. Be engaged at least six months before you get married.
7. Believe in love at first sight.
8. Never laugh at anyone’s dreams.
9. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it’s the only way to live life completely.
10. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name-calling.
11. Don’t judge people by their relatives.
12. Talk slowly but think quickly.
13. When someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer, smile and ask, “Why do you want to know?”
14. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
15. Call your mom.
16. Say, “bless you” when you hear someone sneeze.
17. When you lose, don’t lose the lesson.
18. Remember the three R’s: Respect for self; Respect for others; Responsibility for all your actions.
19. Don’t let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
20. When you realize you’ve made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
21. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.
22. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other.
23. Spend some time alone.
24. Open your arms to change, but don’t let go of your values.
25. Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.
26. Read more books and watch less TV.
27. Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you’ll get to enjoy it a second time.
28. Trust in God but lock your car.
29. A loving atmosphere in your home is so important. Do all you can to create a tranquil harmonious home.
30. In disagreements with loved ones, deal with the current situation. Don’t bring up the past.
31. Read between the lines.
32. Share your knowledge. It’s a way to achieve immortality.
33. Be gentle with the earth.
34. Pray. There’s immeasurable power in it.
35. Never interrupt when you are being flattered.
36. Mind your own business.
37. Don’t trust a man/woman who doesn’t close his/her eyes when you kiss.
38. Once a year, go someplace you’ve never been before.
39. If you make a lot of money, put it to use helping others while you are living. That is wealth’s greatest satisfaction.
40. Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a stroke of luck.
41. Learn the rules then break some.
42. Remember that the best relationship is one where your love for each other is greater than your need for each other.
43. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.
44. Remember that your character is your destiny.
45. Approach love and cooking with reckless abandon.
46. Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.

There was a hound dog lying in the yard, and an old geezer in overalls was sitting on the porch.

“Excuse me, Sir, but does your dog bite?” the tourist asked.

The old man looked up over his newspaper and replied, “Nope.”

As soon as the tourist stepped out of his car, the dog began snarling and growling and then attacked both the man’s arms and legs. As the tourist flailed around in the dust, he yelled, “I thought you said your dog didn’t bite!”

“He don’t,” muttered the old man. “Ain’t my dog.”

A blonde and a brunette were talking during their lunch break. The brunette said that her boyfriend had a slight dandruff problem, but she gave him Head and Shoulders and it
cleared it up.

The blonde promptly asked, “How do you give shoulders? “