Jokes News

A husband suspects his wife is having an affair. He needs to go on a business trip for several days, so he decides to set a trap for her. He puts a glass of milk under the bed. From the bed strings, he suspends a spoon over the glass of milk. He has it calibrated so that her weight on the bed will not drop the spoon into the milk. But, if there is any more weight than that, the spoon will drop into the milk and he will detect it upon his return home.

He comes home several days later. The first thing he does is to reach under the bed and retrieve the glass.

The glass is full of butter….

(That must have been one hell of a churning action!)

A man passed away and went to Heaven.

Upon arriving at the pearly gates, St. Peter said, “Come on in. I’ll show you around. I really think you’ll like it here.” Walking through the gates, the man noticed that there were clocks everywhere.

It appeared that Heaven was nothing more than a giant clock warehouse.Surprised at how Heaven looked, the man asked St. Peter “what’s the deal with all the clocks?”

St. Peter replied, “they keep track of everybody on earth. There is one clock for each person. Every time someone tells a lie, his clock moves forward one minute. For instance, this clock belongs to Sam, a used car salesman. If you watch it closely, it will move any second.”

Click! The minute hand on Sam’s clock moved forward one minute. Click! It moved forward another minute. “Sam must be closing on a deal right now,” said St. Peter. “The minute hand on his clock moves all day long.”

The man and St. Peter continued walking and soon came across a clock covered with cobwebs. “Whose clock is this?” asked the man. “That clock belongs to the Widow Audrey. She is one of the finest persons on earth. I bet her clock hasn’t moved in a year or two.”

They continued walking and touring Heaven. The man enjoyed watching the clocks of all his friends. When the tour was finally finished, the man said, “I’ve seen everyone’s clock but one! Where is President Clinton’s clock kept?”

St. Peter smiled and said, “Look up there. We use his for a ceiling fan.”

One day a husband was chiding his beautiful blonde wife about leaving her keys in the ignition of her car.

“If I take them out of the car I lose them,” she reasoned.

“Yes dear, but what if someone steals your car?” the husband countered.

“Oh that’s okay,” the wife chirped happily, “I keep a spare key in the glove box!”

How did the blonde get bruises on her shoulders and forehead?

“I dunno (shakes head from side to side, far enough to hit your shoulders). Oh yeah! (slaps forehead)

The inexperienced young man was smitten with the girl who was sitting beside him in his parked car. Looking at her in the light of the full moon, he gently placed his hand on her knee and said, “Angie….I think I love you.”

With a knowing smile, she put her hand on his and said, “Higher, Ralph.”

Clearing his throat, he said, “Angie….I think I love you!” in a cracked falsetto.

Mr. and Mrs. Smith have been back from their honeymoon for two weeks when Mr. Smith comes home from work and says that he has invited four of his friends from the office to their home for dinner on Friday night. Mrs. Smith is a bit apprehensive and asks if she must cook a meal for four. The husband explains that there will actually be eight coming since each will be bringing his wife.

Since this is their first party, the husband consoles her by saying that all she needs to do is get some Chinese food in, and perhaps she can bake a cake. This sounds like a good idea, and they sit down and decide what Chinese food to get.

Friday morning, Mrs. Smith calls the office in tears. She explains that the only cake recipe she has will only feed six. Hubby says, “why don’t you just double the recipe?” She decides that is a good idea.

At four, hubby gets another phone call–this time quite a frantic one.

“I just can’t do it,” wifey weeps. “It’s impossible.”

“Now, now, what’s the matter.”

“Well, their recipe calls for two eggs…”

“So, you use FOUR eggs. Don’t you have them?”

“Yes,…then it needs 4 cups of flour.”

“Well,” hubby says rather testily, “you will have to use 8 cups of flour–what’s the problem?”

“It isn’t the ingredients,” wifey sobs. “It says that the cake must be baked at 350 degrees, and I have checked the oven, and I can’t turn the heat up to 700 degrees!”

An old man went in to see the doctor and said, “Doc, I’m turning 80 tomorrow. I’ve hired a hooker for the night, and I’d love to do it just one more time before I die. Can you give me something that’ll get me up?”

The doctor smiled, “I don’t normally prescribe this stuff, but I think in your case and since it’s your birthday and all, I can make an exception for one night.”

Later that night, just out of curiosity, the doctor phoned the elderly man and asked, “How’s it going?”

“Fabulous,” the old man said. “I’ve come three times already!”

“That’s great,” the doctor said. “The hooker must be astounded.”

“Not exactly,” the man said. “She’s not here yet!”

A man called Fred was shipwrecked on a desert island for three years and by now his hands were covered in blisters. One day he picked up his binoculars and looked out onto the horizon and said to himself, “Wow a ship! And on the mast a beautiful, blonde naked woman. Just look at those hips!”

By now he had a roaring erection. He threw down his binoculars and grabbed his donk. “Got ya again ya bastard, there was no bloody ship!”

Only in America…can a pizza get to your house faster that an ambulance…

Only in America…are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink…

Only in America…do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry and a diet coke…

Only in America…do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters…

Only in America…do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage…

Only in America…do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place…

Only in America…do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight…

Only in America…are the least useful professions (professional athletes, movie actors & entertainers) paid so disproportionally much compared to people with normal jobs…

Only in America…do people buy domestic brand tires, because they want to “buy American,” and install them on their imported cars…

Only in America…the budgets for advertising non-essential items, like soft drinks, exceed the economies of many third-world nations…

Only in America…do we use the word politics to describe the process so well. Poli in latin meaning ‘many’ and tics meaning ‘blood sucking creatures’…