Jokes News

Henry was the only virgin in the freshman dorm. He was painfully shy and had never even asked a girl out during his four years in high school.

Now that he was in college, the other guys kidded him incessantly about his lack of experience with the opposite sex.

His roommate Jeff Hargrove was a handsome jock and attracted co-eds like flies. Jeff saw that Henry’s spirits and grades were sinking lower every week and came up with a plan to remedy Henry’s plight.

He phoned Janet, one of the town girls who’d sleep with any college guy who asked her. The date was arranged, and that Friday after a movie, Janet took Henry back to her apartment.

Henry nervously watched Janet undress and when she began to undress him, his little pecker sprang to attention.

She finally pulled down his undershorts and got quite a shock.

“Oh, shit,” exclaimed Janet, “Who do you think you’re gonna satisfy with that little thing?!”

Henry blushed and quietly replied “Me”.

One evening, a very attractive young lady was sitting in a fine restaurant patiently awaiting her date.

While waiting, she decided to make sure that she looked perfect for him. So the young lady bends down in her chair in order to get a mirror from her purse. Then just as the waiter walks up, she accidentally farts quite loudly.

The lady immediately sat up straight, embarrassed and red faced, sure that everyone in the place had heard her. Quickly she turns to the waiter and demands, “Stop That!”

The waiter looks at her dryly and says, “Sure lady. Which way was it headed?”

Cowboy Joe was telling his fellow cowboys back on the ranch about his first visit to a big-city church. “When I got there, they had me park my old truck in the corral,” Joe began.

“You mean the parking lot,” interrupted Charlie, a more worldly fellow.

“I walked up the trail to the door,” Joe continued.

“The sidewalk to the door,” Charlie corrected him.

“Inside the door, I was met by this dude,” Joe went on.

“That would be the usher,” Charlie explained.

“Well, the usher led me down the chute,” Joe said.

“You mean the aisle,” Charlie said.

“Then, he led me to a stall and told me to sit there,” Joe continued.

“Pew,” Charlie retorted.

“Yeah, recalled Joe. “That’s what that pretty lady said when I sat down beside her.”

A government employee sits in his office and, out of boredom, decides to see what’s in his old filing cabinet. He pokes through the contents and comes across an old brass lamp.

“This will look nice on my mantelpiece,” he decides and takes it home with him.

While he’s polishing the lamp, a genie appears and grants him three wishes.

“I wish for an ice cold beer right now!”

He gets his beer and drinks it. Now that he can think more clearly, he states his second wish, “I wish to be on an island where beautiful nymphomaniacs reside.”

Suddenly he is on an island surrounded with gorgeous females who are eyeing him lustfully.

He tells the genie his third and last wish. “I wish I’d never have to work, ever again!”

POOF! He’s back in his government office.

yo mamma was so ugly as a baby that when she was born your mother said “Oh what a treasure!” and your father said “Yeah, let’s go bury it.”

yo mamma’s teeth are so big she looks like a beaver with big tits.

yo mamma’s so skinny her nipples touch.

yo mamma’s so crossed eyed when she cries tears roll down the bitch’s back.

yo mamma’s so stupid she thought TACO BELL was a phone company.

Q: What goes fruuum-skrrt fruum-skrrt fruum-skrrt?

A: A blonde going through a blinking red light.

A woman walks into a purse store, looks around and makes her decision to buy the tanned one. She brings it up to the counter and the cashier says “$800, please.”

“What?!” exclaims the lady. “$800 for a purse?!”

“Oh you don’t understand,” said the cashier. “This purse is made out of foreskin. If you rub it, it grows into a suitcase.”

Start with a cage containing five apes. In the cage, hang a banana on a string and put stairs under it.

Before long, an ape will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the apes with cold water.

After awhile, another ape makes an attempt with the same result; all the apes are sprayed with cold water.

Turn off the cold water.

If, later, another ape tries to climb the stairs, the other apes will try to prevent it, even though no water sprays them.

Now, remove one ape from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new ape sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his horror, all of the other apes attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.

Next, remove another of the original five apes and replace it with a new one.

The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm.

Again, replace a third original ape with a new one. The new one makes it to the stairs and is attacked as well.

Two of the four apes that beat him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs, or why they are participating in the beating of the newest ape.

After replacing the fourth and fifth original apes, all the apes which have been sprayed with cold water have been replaced.

Nevertheless, no ape ever again approaches the stairs. Why not?

“Because that’s the way it’s always been done, around here!”

Sound Familiar?

How To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity In The Workplace

1. Page yourself over the intercom. Don’t disguise your voice.

2. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits.

Wear them one day after your boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is of a different gender than you.

3. Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. “That’s a good point, Sparky.” “No, I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to disagree with you there, Cha-Cha.”

4. Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them exactly what you’re doing. For example: “If anyone needs me, I’ll be in the bathroom.”

5. While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive liquid. Call everyone “Madge”.

6. Hi-Lite your shoes. Tell people you haven’t lost them as much since you did this.

7. Hang mosquito netting around your cubicle. When you emerge to get coffee or a printout or whatever, slap yourself randomly the whole way.

8. Put a chair facing a printer. Sit there all day and tell people you’re waiting for your document.

9. Every time someone asks you to do something, anything, ask them if they want fries with that.

10. Send e-mail back and forth to yourself, engaging yourself in an intellectual debate. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.

11. Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair-dancing.

12. Put your trash can on your desk. Label it “IN.”

13. Feign an unnatural and hysterical fear of staplers.

14. Send e-mail messages saying there’s free pizza or donuts or cake in the lunchroom. When people drift back to work complaining that they found none, lean back, pat your stomach and say, “Oh, you’ve got to be faster than that!”

Q. How many animals did Moses take on the ark with him?

A. None. Noah took them.