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Just recently I was honored to be selected as an Outstanding Famous Celebrity in my community to be a judge at a chili cookoff because no one else wanted to do it. Also, the original person called in sick at the last minute and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy, and they told me that I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted this great offer.

I was judge number three. Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili #1: Mike’s Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

JUDGE 1: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE 2: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

JUDGE 3: Holy smokes, what is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put the flames out. Hope that’s the worst one. These people are crazy.

Chili #2: Arthur’s Afterburner Chili

JUDGE 1: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE 2: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

JUDGE 3: Keep this out of reach of children! I’m not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. Shoved my way to the front of the beer line. The barmaid looks like a professional wrestler after a bad night. She was so irritated over my gagging sounds that the snake tattoo under her eye started to twitch. She has arms like Popeye and a face like Winston Churchill. I will NOT pick a fight with her.

Chili #3: Fred’s Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili.

JUDGE 1: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE 2: A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.

JUDGE 3: This has got to be a joke. Call the EPA, I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been sneezing Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my way so I could make it to the beer wagon. The barmaid pounded me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. She said her friends call her “Sally”. Probably behind her back they call her “Forklift”.

Chili #4: Bubba’s Black Magic

JUDGE 1: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE 2: A hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or some other mild food; not much of a chili.

JUDGE 3: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Sally was standing behind me with fresh refills so I wouldn’t have to dash over to see her. When she winked at me her snake sort of coiled and uncoiled - it’s kind of cute.

Chili #5: Linda’s Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE 1: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

JUDGE 2: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

JUDGE 3: My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my eyes. I belched and four people in front of me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to stop screaming.

Chili #6: Vera’s Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE 1: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.

JUDGE 2: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

JUDGE 3: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except Sally. I asked if she wants to go dancing later.

Chili #7: Susan’s Screaming Sensation Chili

JUDGE 1: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE 2: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw in canned chili peppers at the last minute. I should note that I am worried about JUDGE #3, he appears to be in a bit of distress.

JUDGE 3: You could throw a hand grenade in my mouth and pull the pin and I wouldn’t feel it. I’ve lost the sight in one eye and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My clothes are covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some point. Good, at autopsy they’ll know what killed me. Go Sally, save yourself before it’s too late! I’ve decided to stop breathing, it’s too painful and I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air I’ll just let it in through the hole in my stomach. Call the X-Files people and tell them I’ve found a super nova on my tongue.

Chili #8: Helen’s Mount Saint Chili

JUDGE 1: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when JUDGE #3 fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself.

JUDGE 2: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

JUDGE 3: Momma?

God grant me the Senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference. Now that I’m older….here’s what I’ve discovered:

1. I started out with nothing .. I still have most of it.

2. When did my wild oats turn to prunes and All Bran?

3. I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.

4. Funny, I don’t remember being absent minded.

5. It is easier to getting older than it is wiser.

6. The first rule of holes: If you are in one, stop digging.

7. I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway through.

8. Some days you’re the dog, some days you’re the hydrant.

9. Kids in the back seat cause accidents, accidents in the back seat cause kids.

10. It’s hard to make a come back, when you haven’t been anywhere.

11. If God wanted me to touch my toes he would have put them on my knees.

Q: What did the termites say when they entered the bar?

A: Is the bar tender here?

A man leaves home and goes straight, makes a left turn, goes straight, makes another left. Then again goes straight, makes yet another left and goes straight, reaches home. He confronts two men in masks. Who are they?

ANSWER:The catcher and the umpire.

Joe woke up one morning and looked for his wife, but his wife wasn’t there.

She had awakened and was preparing breakfast in the kitchen. Joe was afraid he might spoil things by getting up, so he called his little boy and sent this note to his wife:
THE TENT POLE IS UP,
THE CANVAS IS SPREAD,
THE HELL WITH BREAKFAST,
COME BACK TO BED.

The wife answered the note and sent it back by the boy. It read:
TAKE THE TENT POLE DOWN
PUT THE CANVAS AWAY
THE MONKEY HAD A HEMORRHAGE
NO CIRCUS TODAY.

So he sent another note down. It read:
THE TENT POLE’S STILL UP
AND THE CANVAS STILL SPREAD
SO DROP WHAT YOU’RE DOING
AND COME GIVE ME SOME HEAD

To which she replied:
I’M SURE THAT YOUR POLE’S
THE BEST IN THE LAND
BUT I’M BUSY RIGHT NOW
SO DO IT BY HAND !

Yo mamma’s so tall, when she did a cartwheel she kicked Jesus.

After a successful but stressful career in politics, Grandpa Bill was forced to retire in a nursing home. As time went on, Grandpa Bill developed the annoying habit of running around the home in nothing but his bathrobe, flashing other residents, and yelling, “SUPERPENIS!”

One day he ran into the cafeteria, up to an old lady about to receive her food, opened his robe and hollered, “SUPERPENIS!”

The old woman looked down an Grandpa Bill’s equipment, then turned to the server and said, “I think I’ll have the SOUP!”

Q. Did you hear about the Amish guy that was driving down Interstate 71 in his BMW and hit a truck head on?

A. Neither have I

Bill Clinton and Jesse Jackson are sitting side by side as they are waiting for Air Force One to take off. The stewardess comes over and asks solicitously, “Can I get you a drink, Mr. President?”

Bill Clinton says cheerfully, “Why sure honey! I’ll have a martini, please. Shaken not stirred. Ha ha ha!”

The stewardess smiles back and turns to the Reverend Jackson, “And you, sir? Care for the same?”

“I’d rather be given a blowjob by a two-bit hooker than have liquor touch my lips,” declares the teetotaler reverend dourly.

Hearing that, Bill Clinton tells the stewardess, “Cancel my order, please. I didn’t know we ever have a choice on Air Force One.”

A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia. The doctor gave him a thorough examination, found absolutely nothing physcially wrong with him, and then told him, “Listen, if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you just have to stop taking your troubles to bed with you.”

“I know,” said the man, “but I can’t. My wife refuses to sleep alone.”