Jokes News

1. My parole officer thinks Sara has a calming effect on me.

2. Did you see that saucer that flew over town yesterday?

3. Which one of you taught Sara to give such great head?

4. Can you believe it! Those shitheads at the corner market won’t cash my welfare check!

5. We’re going to keep our relationship quiet for now. My wife can be rather vindictive at times.

6. Those home pregnancy kits aren’t very reliable in my opinion.

7. Sara is so pretty I’ve decided to give up being bisexual just for her.

8. Nice place you got here. That painting looks expensive. I bet a nice home like this came with a safe already built in, didn’t it?

9. There ain’t nothing that beats that great feeling of knowing your HIV test results are negative! I bet Sara’s will be okay too.

10. Can I pull my car in your garage? I’m not sure how long that cop car will stay lost.

A guy phones a law office and says: “I want to speak to my lawyer.”

The receptionist replies, “I’m sorry but he died last week.”

The next day he phones again and asks the same question.

The receptionist replies, “I told you yesterday, he died last week.”

The next day the guy calls again and asks to speak to his lawyer.

By this time the receptionist is getting a little annoyed and says, “I keep telling you that your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?”

The guy says, “Because I just love hearing it.”

Coming home from his Little League championship game, Chuck was all smiles when he was greeted by his Dad who asked, “How did you do in your championship game, son?”

“Great, Dad!” exclaimed Chuck. “I was responsible for the winning run!”

“Really? That’s great news!” remarked his Dad. “How did you do it, son?”

“I dropped the ball.”

Soon after marriage, Terri’s husband, Colby, stopped wearing his wedding ring. Terri asked, “Why don’t you ever wear your wedding band anymore?”

Colby replied, “It cuts off my circulation.”

Terri answered back, “It’s supposed to.”

An old man was riding a bus when it pulled to stop for new riders.

A punker got on with spiked, yellow-blue and green hair, earrings in the eyes, ears and nose, and tattoos all over his body.

The only seat available was right across from the old man. The old man was staring at the punker and after a few minutes the punker hollered, “Hey you old fart, what are you staring at?”
He replied, “ I was in the army when I was young and did some crazy things. I got drunk one time and fucked a parrot, and I was just thinkin’, you might be my son!

A minister, a priest and a rabbi went for a hike one day. It was very hot.

They were sweating and exhausted when they came upon a small lake. Since it was fairly secluded, they took off all their clothes and jumped in the water. Feeling refreshed, the trio decided to pick a few berries while enjoying their “freedom”.

As they were crossing an open area, who should come along but a group of ladies from town. Unable to get to their clothes in time, the minister and the priest covered their genitals and the rabbi covered his face while they ran for cover.

After the ladies had left and the men got their clothes back on, the minister and the priest asked the rabbi why he covered his face rather than his genitals. The rabbi replied, “I don’t know about you, but in my congregation, its my face they would recognize.”

The State of Florida had a problem. The drug busts over the years had filled their storage areas with marijuana. It was decided that their only option was to burn all of the marijuana on hand.

On that eventful day, a huge mound of marijuana was torched. The fire raged, and the smoke of the weed lifted in a large cloud. Just at this time, a flock of terns flew though this cloud.

A group of forest rangers (aka their environmental watchdogs) were sent out to assure the well-being of the terns. They followed this flock until they finally landed. The rangers, sneaking up on the terns, were able to observe them and issued a report that read: Not a Tern was left unstoned.

Read this one aloud, or you won’t get it.

Two peanuts were walking down the road. One was a salted.

This is a true story. My sister and I spent two weeks in Paris. The locals obviously hated Americans. No matter where we went, we were subject to rude behavior from waiters, store clerks pedestrians, etc. After a while it started to irritate us.

One day in Paris, my sister went shopping. She entered a store and started looking around. She was the only customer in the store. As she looked through the clothes on the rack, a clerk hurriedly approached her and very abruptly asked if he could help her.

My sister was used to this bad treatment by now, and she politely declined his help. She continued to look at the clothes. Then she noticed that every clerk in the store was staring at her.

Defiantly, she continued to look through the clothes. When she could take this treatment no longer, she turned on her heels, with her head held high, and left the shop.

As she left, she noticed that the sign on the store read, “Dry Cleaners.”

A young mother was once again pregnant and trying to explain to her little girl how she had got that way. She explained how a baby was growing in her tummy, and how it took and egg and a sperm. Daddy made the sperm, and Mommy made the egg.

So the little girl asks, “So if it takes a sperm and an egg to make a baby, and the egg is already in your tummy, then how does the sperm get in there. Does Mommy swallow it?”

“She does, if she wants a new cocktail dress,” said Mommy.