Jokes News

What does a near-sighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common?

A wet nose.

A cowboy gets captured by the Indians and taken back to their camp. The chief comes to him and tells him he has good news and bad news. The chief then informs him that the bad news is that the cowboy is to die in three days. The good news is that the cowboy is to receive one wish per day until then. The cowboy then informs the chief that he would like to talk to his horse. After the cowboy’s horse was brought to him, he whispered into the horse’s ear and the horse ran off. Later that night, the horse returned with a blonde. So the cowboy and the blonde go and have a little fun in the tee-pee that night and the next morning the blonde is gone.

The next day the chief comes and offers the cowboy his second wish. The cowboy requests to talk to his horse again. The horse is brought to him, the cowboy whispers in his ear, and the horse runs off again. Later that night, he returns again, this time carrying a brunette with him. So the cowboy and the brunette enjoy a night of passion and the next morning the brunette is gone.

The third and final day arrives and the chief comes and offers the cowboy his final wish. The cowboy requests to talk to his horse one last time. The horse is brought to him, the cowboy acts like he is going to whisper into his ear again but changes his mind. Instead, he grabs the horse by the ears, looks deep into his eyes, and says “I’m only going to say this one more time…. I said ‘P-O-S-S-E!’”

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the woman on the lower bunk, the man on the top.

In the middle of the night the man leans over and says, “I’m sorry to bother you but I’m cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket.”

The woman leans out and says in a sexy voice, “I’ve got a better idea. Let’s pretend we’re married.”

“Why not,” says the eager man.

“Good!” she replies, “Get your own damned blanket!”

One day, God phoned Noah and asked him to build him another ark.

Noah agreed and asked, “Do you want it the same as last time?” God replied that he would like it basically the same but fourteen stories high. Noah agreed and then asked whether God wanted two of each animal in the ark (like last time).

God replied, “No, just FISH.” Noah thought this strange but agreed. God then said that he just wanted one type of fish - CARP.

Noah said, “OK, I’ll build you this ark if you just tell me why.”

God replied, “Well I’ve always wanted a MULTI-STORY CARP ARK!!!”

Three men once went to the most important baseball game of the season. They were disappointed to find themselves sitting directly behind three nuns as they thought they couldn’t be as rowdy as usual. To fix this problem, they decide to try to get the nuns to move.

The first guy says (quite loudly), “I’m going to move to California. There are only 100 Catholics there.”

The second guy catches on and states, “I’m going to move to Wisconsin. There are only 50 Catholics there.”

The third guy adds, “Well, I’m moving to Oregon. They only have 25 Catholics there.”

One of the nuns turns to them and says “Why don’t you go to hell? There aren’t any Catholics there.”

A Dutch friend told me the following nationalistic joke, which is portable to any in-group/out-group situation. It’s best told with some physical illustration on the part of the teller:

Two Belgians are digging a deep hole while a Dutch foreman stands at the top of the hole and gives them orders. The slightly more intelligent Belgian asks, “Why are we digging while he stands up there and does nothing?”

“I dunno,” says the slightly less intelligent Belgian, and climbs up out of the hole to ask the foreman the same question.

“Well,” says the Dutchman, “I’ve got a thing called ‘brains’, which you wouldn’t know anything about, and that’s why I’m the foreman and you’re the laborer.”

“What are brains?” asks the Belgian.

“I’ll show you,” answers the foreman, placing his hand against a tree. “I want you to hit my hand as hard as you can.”

The Belgian winds up and swings, but the Dutchman pulls his hand away at the last second and the Belgian ends up with bloody knuckles. “That’s brains,” says the foreman, “so get back to work.”

The Belgian nods and descends into the hole, where he leans on his shovel and begins instructing the other man where to dig, and how fast.

“Why do you get to give me orders all of a sudden?” asks the man who had stayed in the hole.

“It’s about brains, which you wouldn’t know anything about.”

“What are brains?”

(Holding his hand in front of his face) “Hit my hand as hard as you can…”
–

One night Bill Clinton dreams he meets George Washington. He says “Washington, what can I do to make things better for the people?” Washinton says “Lower the Taxes.” Bill says “I can do that.”

The next night he dreams he meets Thomas Jefferson. He asks “Jefferson, what can I do to make things better for the people?” Jefferson answers “LOWER the TAXES!” Bill says “I’m working on that!”

On the third night he dreams he meets Abraham Lincoln. Again he asks “What can I do to make things better for the people?” Lincoln says “Go … to the theatre!”