Jokes News

What do the Burmuda Triangle and Blondes have in common?

They both suck semen.

Two lesbians walked into a bar; one extremly pretty and one extremly ugly. The pretty one said to the ugly one, “I’ll get us a drink”.

So she walked up to the bar and said to the bar-tender, “Two Jim Beam and Cokes.”

The bartender got the drinks and said, “That’s $10.”

The pretty lesbian said, “I don’t have any money.”

The bartender asked, “Well, how are you going to pay for them?”

She repiled, “I’ll show you my tits.”

He looked at her and repiled “OK,” so she showed him her tits, then took the drinks back to the table.

The ugly one said, “How did you pay for those?”

The pretty one fresponded, “I showed him my tits and he gave them to me for free!”

The ugly one said, “I try that!” So she walked up to the bartender and said, “Two Jim Beam and Cokes, please.”

The bartender said, “That’ll be $10, please.”

The ugly one turned around and said, “I don’t have any money!”

The bartender said, “Well, how are you going to pay for them?”

She repiled, “I will show you my tits.”

He repiled back, “You’re ugly, so your tits will be ugly!”

So the ugly one said “OK then, I’ll let you smell my friend’s pussy!”

The bartender repiled “What, that one over there?” (pointing to the good looking one).

She said, “Yes.”

The bartender said, “OK then.”

The ugly one leaned over the bar and blew her breath in his face.

In the land of cannibals, the cannibals cook was busying himself with a stew pot. Adding spices, tasting the broth, and stirring. Repeating the steps as often as a cook should.
A while later the cannibal chief walks up and asks, “Whacha, makin?”

“SOUP!” yelled the cannibal cook.
Seeing that the cook was not in a good mood, the chief decided to change the subject by asking, “So how’s the family?”

“They’re all fine, I guess. BUT I JUST CAN’T STAND MY MOTHER-IN-LAW!” he says while stirring the pot.

The chief then asks the cook, “Well how bad could it be? How much could you possibly hate her?”

“Well,” says the cook, while stirring “I’ll probably only eat the noodles.”

The Office of Personnel Management for the United States government today announced the 2001 holiday schedule for federal employees.

There will be two fewer holidays in Washington, D.C., next year.

Halloween and Thanksgiving have been cancelled.

The witch is moving to New York, and she’s taking the turkey with her.

A woman gets a call from the hospital. The doctor at the hospital says, “Mrs. Smith, it’s about your husband. He’s been in a terrible car accident.”

Mrs. Smith says, “Ohmigod, what happened.”

The doctor says, “Well, I’ve got good news, and bad news.”

Mrs. Smith says, “Give me the good news first.”

The doctor says, “Well, your husband suffered extensive injuries and will take years to recuperate. He broke both of his arms, among other things, so for at least a year you’ll have to spoon-feed him, bathe him, and even wipe his ass for him.”

Mrs. Smith says, “My god, that’s awful, what’s the good news?”

The doctor laughs and says, “I was just teasing you! He’s dead!”

A Charlotte, North Carolina man, having purchased a case of rare, very expensive cigars, insured them against
…get this …fire! Within a month, having smoked his entire stock of fabulous cigars, and having yet to make a single premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the man stated that he had lost the cigars in
‘a series of small fires’. The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in a normal fashion. The man sued and WON. In delivering his ruling, the judge stated that since the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable, and also guaranteed that it would insure the cigars against fire, without defining what it considered to be “unacceptable fire,” it was obligated to compensate the insured for his loss.

Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company paid the man.

However………………

After the man cashed his check, the insurance company had him arrested on twenty-four counts of arson. With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used as evidence against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning the rare cigars and sentenced to twenty-four consecutive one year terms.

(I’m told this is a true case)