Jokes News

The Buffalo Theory:

A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells.
Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

That’s why you always feel smarter after a few beers.

A young lady empties her shopping cart on the checkout counter. She has bought:

1 toothbrush
1 lambchop
1 potato
1 carrot
1 pint of milk
1 apple

As the checkout guy is scanning her purchases, he glances up at her and says “Single, huh?”

“Oh, you’re so fucking clever,” she snaps, “How’d you ever guess?”

“Because you’re ugly.”

Santasingh and BantaSingh wanted to go camping. They attached the trailer to the car. SantaSingh wanted to make sure that the car is in good condition before they start. So, he asked BantaSingh to go in front of the car to check the head lights.

Santa Singh switched the head lights on. BantaSingh said, “Yeah! it is working!”. Then Santa switched on the high beam. Banta told “Yeah! it is working!”.

Santa asked Banta to go to the rear side of the car to check the brake lights. Santa slammed on the brake and Banta yelled “Yeah! it is working!”.

Santa wanted to check the Left indicator. He put the left indicator. Then BantaSingh started “It is working! ooops! It is not working… It is working! ooops… It is not working! …”

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor, I have this problem with gas, but it doesn’t really bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I’ve farted at least 20 times since I’ve been here in your office. You didn’t know I was farting because they don’t smell and are silent.”

The doctor says, “I see. Here’s a prescription. Take these pills 3 times a day for seven days and come back to see me next week.”

The next week the lady goes back. “Doctor,” she says, “I don’t know what the hell you gave me, but now my farts … although still silent… stink terribly.”

The doctor says, “Good! Now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, let’s start working on your hearing.”

What do you call a Jewish dilemma? A free ham……

Verna had just moved to hollywood from Missouri when
she called her ma to tell her how it was going.
“Ma things are strange here. Did you know they have girls that put there mouths where other girls go pee?”

“Oh my gosh”,says mom “What do they call them?”

“They call them Lesbians, and ma did you know that they have
boys that that put their mouths where other boys pee!”

Mama says, “Oh my goodness, what do they call them?”

“They call them homosexuals, and Mama did you know that there are boys who put their mouths where girls pee too?”

“Wow”, says mama,”What do you call them?”

“Well mama, I call them back in the morning!”

While proudly showing off his new apartment to friends, a college student led the way into the den.

“What is the big brass gong and hammer for?” one of his friends asked.

“That is my talking clock,” the man replied.

“How does it work?” the friend asked.

“Watch,” the man said. Then he proceeded to give the gong an ear-shattering pound with the hammer.

Suddenly, someone screamed from the other side of the wall, “KNOCK IT OFF, YOU IDIOT! It’s two AM in the MORNING!!!”

“See? Works every time.”

Debra, a beautiful Jewish girl was raised in a Strictly Orthodox home. She became engaged to Richard, a Gentile boy who agreed to convert to Judaism and to be married in the temple of Debbie’s parents.

Richard had so many questions about the forthcoming ceremony that Debbie arranged for him to meet Rabbi Schiller who would be performing the marriage.

“I’d like Mom and Dad to be seated right down front with all my sisters,” said Richard.

“Oh no”, said the Rabbi. “In the Orthodox tradition, the men and women are separated. The men will sit down on the
main floor and the women will sit in the balcony.”

“Well, at the reception,” said Richard, “I want to have the first dance with Debbie while the band plays our favorite song, Moon River.”

“Oh no”, said the Rabbi. “In the Orthodox tradition, the men dance with the men and the women dance with the women.”

Richard became annoyed and said sarcastically, “Well I guess we’re not allowed to have sex either.”

Rabbi Schiller smiled. “Of course you are, my boy. Any way you want.”

“Really?” said Richard. “You mean we can have oral sex, anal sex, any way at all?”

“Absolutely any way you want.”

Richard smiled. “Can we have sex in the shower?”

Rabbi Schiller became pale. “No, of course not!” he said.

“Why not?” asked Richard.

“God might think you’re dancing.”

A businessman walks into a bank in Boston and asks for the loan officer. He says he is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan. So the businessman hands over the keys to a Rolls-Royce parked on the street in front of the bank. Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the businessman returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, “We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is: why would you bother to borrow $5,000?”

The businessman replied: Where else in Boston can I park my car for two weeks for 15 bucks?

Why do women like hunters?

Because they always go deep into the forest, they only shoot twice, and they always eat what they kill.