Jokes News

A man was in an Australian pub bragging about his dog and how it will only obey his commands and nobody elses.

One man said, “What’s your dog’s name?.”

“Jake,” said the owner.

The man said, “I bet you one hundred dollars and twelve pitchers of beer that I can make your dog do what I tell it to.”

“Ok, you’re on!” said the owner, and they shook hands on the deal.

The man picked up the dog and threw it into the fire in the fireplace and said, “Jake! Get the fuck out of there!”

At a dinner party, one of the guests, an obnoxiously loud young man, tried to make clever remarks about everyone and everything. He was served a piece of meat, he picked it up with his fork, held it up and smirked: “Is this pig?”

Another guest, sitting opposite, asked quietly: “Which end of the fork are you referring to?”

What’s the difference between your mama and a 747?

-Everyone hasn’t been on a 747

A doctor and his wife were sunbathing on a beach when a beautiful young woman, in a tight-fitting bikini, strolled passed.

The woman looked at the doctor, smiled, and said in a sexy voice, “Hi there, Handsome. How’re ya doing?” before wiggling her backside and walking off.

“Who was that?!” demanded the doctor’s wife. “Oh, just a woman I met, professionally,” replied the doctor.

“Oh, yeah!” snarled his wife. “In whose profession? Yours or hers?”

Your mama is so fat she wears a real
horse on her Polo shirt.

A minister in Florida lamented that it was difficult to get his message across to his local congregation: “It’s so beautiful here in the winter,” he said, “that heaven doesn’t interest them that much.”

“And it’s so hot here in the summer that hell doesn’t really scare them either.”

During a recent publicity outing, Hillary sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute. In a dark and
hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.

“There’s no easy way to say this, so I’ll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a
violent and horrible death this year.”

Visibly shaken, Hillary stared at the woman’s lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands.

She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller’s gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question.

“Will I be acquitted?”

A man and his fiancee decide to get married and spend their
honeymoon in Jamaica. But before they depart, she asks him to get her name tattooed on his penis. With much hesitation, the man agrees. They go to a tattoo artist, who carefully prints WENDY in large letters on his erection. Once in Jamaica, they decide to hit a nude beach. In the mirror at their suite, he
realises that, in its flaccid state, the only letters visible
on his unit are the W and the Y.

At the nude beach, he can’t help but notice a Jamaican walking around in the buff with a W and Y visible on his limp member.

The newlywed stops the native and says, blushing, “Excuse me, but is your wife named Wendy also?”

The Jamacian looks him in the eyes, then looks down at his
genitals and responds with a smile, “No, mine says WELCOME TO JAMAICA - HAVE A NICE DAY.”

Paul Harvey reported this morning that the movie, “102 Dalmatians,” was released in Palm Beach County as “97 Dalmatians.”

The Disney folks figured the Democrats down there would come up with the other 5 on their own.