Jokes News

Q: What did the squirrel scream when he saw a naked man jump at him?

A: Move!! Watch out!!!
The big nuts are falling and the tree is coming with it!!

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. “I couldn’t help noticing how happy you look,” she said. “What’s your secret for a long, happy life?”

“I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day,” he said. “I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise.”

“That’s amazing!” the woman said. “How OLD ARE you?”

“Twenty-six,” he said.

The Lone Ranger and Tonto were ambushed by a band of outlaws.

They fought the outlaws from behind large rocks as long as they could, but their ammunition was running low.

The Lone Ranger finally sends Tonto into town to get help.

Hours pass by and finally Tonto returns with a completely naked woman under his arm.

The Lone Ranger shakes his head, slaps his forehead and says, “POSSE, Tonto - I said POSSE!!!!!”

How do you get a blonde out of a submarine?
Knock on the door.

How do you get a blonde out of a submarine for the second time?
Knock on the window.

A carpet layer has just finished installing carpet for a customer.

He steps out for a smoke, only to realize that he’d lost his cigarettes.

In the middle of the room, under the carpet, is a lump. “No sense pulling up the entire floor for one pack of smokes,” he says to himself.
He proceeds to get out his hammer and flattens the hump.

As he was cleaning up, the homeowner comes in. “Here,” she said, handing him his pack of cigarettes. “I found them in the hallway.”

“Now,” she said, “if only I can find my parakeet.”

When Bill Clinton completed five years of his Presidency, he wanted a special postage stamp issued with his picture on it. He so instructed Hillary, stressing that it should be of international quality. The stamps were duly released, and Clinton was pleased.

But, within a few days of release, he began hearing complaints that the stamp was not sticking properly, and he became furious. He called Hillary and ordered her to investigate the matter.

Hillary checked at several post offices and then reported the problem to Clinton. She said, “There is nothing wrong with the quality of the stamp. The problem is people are spitting on the wrong side.”

What’s the difference between a circus and a single’s bar?

At the circus, the clowns don’t try to talk to you.

There is this guy and this girl and they want to have sex. So, they go to the girl’s house and before entering her room, the girl stops and says, “My little sister sleeps on the bottom bunk of our bed and I do not want her to know what we are doing. So when I say, ‘Baloney,’ it means push harder, and when I say, ‘Pastrami,’ it means push softer.”

With this, the two get onto the top bunk and have sex. First, the girl moans, “Baloney! Baloney! Baloney!” Then, she shouts, “Pastrami! Pastrami! Pastrami!” Then, she changes back to, “Baloney! Baloney! Baloney!”

Finally, the girl’s sister yells, “Will you guys quit making sandwiches up there? You’re getting mayonnaise all over me!”

Q: Why have they banned the wearing of skirts at the White House?

A: They were tired of seeing Hillary’s balls

There were several women sitting around talking at their weekly club meeting. The topic of birth control came up and they started comparing methods.

The first woman said that she and her husband relied on the pill. It had been effective for them since they had started using it after their 4th child was born.

The second woman said that she used the rhythm method. But she hated having to watch the calendar.

The third woman said that she used condoms, but wished that her husband would remember to buy them himself.

The fourth woman said that she and her husband had found the perfect prevention method. They used the “saucer and pail” method. All ears were opened at that comment.

She went on to explain…. Her husband is shorter than she, so he stands on a pail whenever they make love, and when his eyes get as big as saucers, she kicks the pail out from underneath him.