Jokes News

A young woman was having a physical examination and was very embarrassed because of a weight problem. As she removed her last bit of clothing, she blushed.

“I’m so ashamed, Doctor,” she said. “I guess I’ve let myself go.”

The physician was checking her eyes and ears. “Don’t feel ashamed, Miss. You don’t look that bad.”

“Do you really think so, Doctor?” she asked.

The doctor held a tongue depressor in front of her face and said, “Of course. Not just open your mouth and say moo.”

This important woman went to Israel. When she got off the plane, she said, “Where’s my dog? Where’s the case?”

The EL-AL airline people finally find the case in the baggage room. They open it up, and the dog is dead.

They’re all upset; they know the woman will kill them. They go and get the manager, and they tell him the dog is dead and the woman is carrying on, waiting for her dog. “She’s shrieking, she’s complaining; she wants to sue us!”

The manager says, “Look, it’s a cocker spaniel. Next door there’s a pet shop. Go buy a cocker spaniel the same color and size. She’ll never know the difference.”

They run and buy a cocker spaniel and put it in the case. They yell, “Lady! Lady! We found your dog!”

She says, “It’s about time!”

She looks in the carrier and says, “That’s not my dog!”

The manager says, “How do you know that’s not your dog?”

She says, “My dog is dead. I was taking it to Israel to bury it.”

We, the sensible people of the United States, in an attempt to help everyone get along, restore some semblance of justice, avoid any more riots, keep our nation safe, promote positive behavior and secure the blessings of debt-free liberty to ourselves and our great-great-great grandchildren, hereby try one more time to ordain and establish some common sense guidelines for the terminally whiny, guilt-ridden delusional and other liberal, commie, pinko bedwetters.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that a whole lot of people were confused by the Bill of Rights and are so dim that they require a Bill of No Rights.

ARTICLE I:

You do not have the right to a new car, big screen TV or any other form of wealth. More power to you if you can legally acquire them, but no one is guaranteeing anything.

ARTICLE II:

You do not have the right to never be offended. This country is based on freedom, and that means freedom for everyone - not just you! You may leave the room, turn the channel, express a different opinion, etc., but the World is full of idiots, and probably always will be.

ARTICLE III:

You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you stick a screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more careful, do not expect the tool manufacturer to make you and all your relatives independently wealthy.

ARTICLE IV:

You do not have the right to free food and housing. Americans are the most charitable people to be found, and will gladly help anyone in need, but we are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation after generation of professional couch potatoes.

ARTICLE V:

You do not have the right to free health care. That would be nice, but from the looks of public housing, we’re just not interested in health care.

ARTICLE VI:

You do not have the right to physically harm other people. If you kidnap, rape, intentionally maim or kill someone, don’t be surprised if the rest of us want to see you fry in the electric chair.

ARTICLE VII:

You do not have the right to the possessions of others. If you rob, cheat or coerce away the goods or services of other citizens, don’t be surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you away in a place where you still won’t have the right to a big-screen color TV or a life of leisure.

ARTICLE VII:

You don’t have the right to demand that our children risk their lives in foreign wars to soothe your aching conscience. We hate oppressive governments and won’t lift a finger to stop you from going to fight if you’d like. However, we do not enjoy parenting the entire world and do not want to spend so much of our time battling each and every little tyrant with a military uniform and a funny hat.

ARTICLE VIII:

You don’t have the right to a job. All of us sure want all of you to have one, and will gladly help you along in hard times, but we expect you to take advantage of the opportunities of education and vocational training laid before you to make yourself useful.

ARTICLE IX:

You do not have the right to happiness. Being an American means that you have the right to pursue happiness - which by the way, is a lot easier if you are unencumbered by an overabundance of idiotic laws created by those of you who were confused by the Bill of Rights.

A farm girl brought a bull to a neighboring pasture in order that it might service a cow there. The farm boy in charge of the cow joined her and they watched the process.

After a while, the farm boy turned to the farm girl and said, “That just makes me itch to do the same thing. How about it?”

And the farm girl said indifferently, “Go ahead, it’s your cow.”

Barely 20 minutes after teeing off, a woman came into the clubhouse, grimacing in pain.

“What happened?” the club pro asked.

“I got stung by a bee,” she replied.

“Where?”

“Between the first and second holes.”

“Hmmm…” the pro murmured. “Sounds like your stance was a little too wide.”

Three women are up for promotion but the company only has one position to give. The boss decides to put an extra $100.00 in each one’s envelope to see how they react.

The first woman says, “Wow, an extra $100.00! I’m going shopping!” The boss notes this.

The second says, “An extra $100.00! I’m going to buy more company stock!” The boss notes this.

Third says, “An extra $100.00! Payroll must have made an error. I’ll go straighten this out right now!!”

Which one got the promotion?

The one with the biggest tits.

Midget walks into a bar, throws a five dollar bill on the table and says to the bartender, “Give me a five dollar shot of your best whiskey! And who’s the toughest son of a bitch in this bar tonight?”

The bartender pours the midget a nice healthy shot of Crown Royal and says, “Well, I’d say the large fellow at the end of the bar is the toughest son of a bitch in this bar tonight.”

Well the midget drinks down his shot, walks to the end of the bar and hits the big fellow across the jaw, knocks him out and walks out of the bar.

The next night the same midget walks into the bar, throws down a five dollar bill and says to the bartender, “Give me a five dollar shot of your best whiskey! And who’s the toughest son of bitch in this bar tonight?”

Well the bartender pours him his shot and says, “I’d say that big old bad redneck sitting in that table over there is the toughest son of a bitch in this bar tonight.”

The midget drinks down his shot, walks to the man at the table, hits him across the jaw knocking him out and walks out of the bar.

Well the bartender is getting quite pissed off at this time about having this little midget running business out of his bar. So, the next day the bartender goes down to the county Zoo and rents out a big fucking African Gorilla, and hides him in the bathroom. Sure as shit, that same midget walks into the bar that night, throws down his five dollar bill and says, “Give me a five dollar shot of your best whiskey! And who’s the toughest son of a bitch in this bar tonight.”

Well the bartender pours him his shot and says, “You know, there really ain’t anybody in here tonight that tough, but I here the guy in the bathroom is the baddest son of a bitch to ever walk the earth.”

The midget drinks down his shot, walks into the bathroom slams the door shut and ruckus began, with thunder and lightning coming out from under the door.

All of a sudden it gets quiet, the midget walks out of the bathroom, slams the door shut and walks towards the bartender, while brushing fur off of his body.

He says to the bartender, “Hey bartender, tell the negro in the bathroom when he wakes up, his fur coat’s in the trash.”

Q What do men and beer bottles have in common?

A They’re both empty from the neck up.

Q How many guys does it take to put the toilet seat down?

A Don’t know. It’s never happened.

Q How are men like parking spaces?

A The good ones are always taken and the only ones left are handicapped.

A Mafia Godfather, accompanied by his attorney, walks into
a room to meet with his accountant.

The Godfather asks the accountant, “Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?” The accountant does not answer. The Godfather asks again, “Where is the 3 million bucks you embezzled from me?”

The attorney interrupts, “Sir, the man is a deaf mute and
cannot understand you, but I can interpret for you.”

The Godfather says, “Well…ask him where the damn money is” The attorney, using sign language, asks the accountant where the 3 million dollars is.

The accountant signs back, “I don’t know what you are
talking about.”

The attorney interprets to the Godfather, “He doesn’t know
what you are talking about.”

The Godfather pulls out a 9 millimeter pistol, puts it to
the temple of the accountant, cocks the trigger and says, “Ask him again where the damn money is!”

The attorney signs to the accountant, “He wants to know
where it is!”

The accountant signs back, “OK! OK! OK! the money is hidden in a suitcase behind the shed in my backyard!”

The Godfather says, “Well….what did he say?”

The attorney interprets to the Godfather, “He says that you
don’t have the guts to pull the trigger.”

What’s the difference between Lee Harvey Oswald and Monica Lewinsky.

Lee Harvey only blew the President once!