Jokes News

WHEN SOMEONE SAYS: “You don’t know Jack Schitt”

Now you’ll know the entire story!

Jack Schitt is the only son of O. Schitt and Awe Schitt. O.Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married Awe Schitt, who later ran the Kneedeep Inn-Schitt. Jack Schitt eventually married Noe Schitt, and together they produced six children.

Holy Schitt, their first child, passed on shortly after birth. Next came twin sons: Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt, and the two daughters: Fulla Schitt and Givva Schitt. Their final child, another son, was named Bull Schitt.

In the mean time, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out.

Dip Schitt married Lotta Schitt, and they have a son, Chicken Schitt.

Fulla Schitt and Givva Schitt married the Happens Brothers… The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg Schitt, Byrd Schitt, and Horace Schitt.

Bull Schitt married a spicy number, Pesa Schitt, and they’re awaiting the arrival of Baby Schitt.

So now that not only do you know Jack Schitt, but his entire family as well!

One day, little 6-year-old Eddie walked into the bathroom just as his mother was stepping out of the shower. He could not remember ever seeing her without clothes on.

So when his father came home that evening, Eddie took him aside and told him what had happened. “It was scary, Daddy, she doesn’t have a weenie like we do. . .just a big hairy slit between her legs.”

“Yes, that’s true, Eddie”, said his father, trying to think of a quick explanation without going into the whole story of the birds and the bees. “That’s where God hit her with his axe”, said Daddy.

“Gee”, said little Eddie. “He got her right in the cunt.”

What’s the difference between a tire and 365 condoms?

1 is a goodyear and the other is a very goodyear

A MAN GOES TO A FANCY DRESS PARTY AND WEARS NOTHING BUT A JAM JAR ON HIS COCK, LADY ASKS WHAT ARE YOU? IM A FIREMAN HE SAYS BREAKE THE GLASS PULL THE NOB AND I’LL CUM AS FAST AS I CAN!!!

Clancy was brooding over his beer at the barroom and said to his friend, “I tell you, Mulligan, I don’t know what I’m going to do about my wife.”

“What is it now?”

“The same old thing—money. She’s always asking for money! Only last Thursday, she wanted ten dollars! Yesterday she was around asking for twenty! And this morning, if you please, she demanded fifty dollars!”

“What does she do with all the money, for heaven’s sake?”

“There’s no way of finding out. I never give her any.”

Q. What’s the difference between oral sex and anal sex?

A. One will make your day, the other will make your hole weak!

Once upon a time there was a man who came home from work a little early and brought three friends with him.

Upon walking into the house he and his friends caught his wife on the couch naked and screwing the milkman.

Right away the man called his lawyer and proceeded with a divorce his three friends were the witnesses.

The first man was called to the stand, and the judge said, “Tell me, sir, what did you see when you walked into the house?”
The man replied, “Your Honor, I walked in, and there they were on the couch and they were just a screwin.”

The judge got really upset and said, “I will have none of this type of language in my courtroom so get out!”

The second man was called to the stand and the judge asked him, “Sir, what did you see when you walked into the house?”
The second man replied, “Your Honor, I walked in and there they were on the couch and they were a screwin.”
Again the judge got very upset and kicked the second man out of the courtroom.

The third man was called in and the judge asked him, “Sir, what did you see when you walked into the house?”

The man replied, “Your honor it goes like this:
I walked in and there they were on the couch,
There were 10 toes up.
There were 10 toes down.
There was 2 little bellies goin around and around.
There was skin going in.
There was skin coming out.
If that’s not screwin you can kick me out.”

IRS Worker: It’s been one month since my last visit and I still feel miserable.

Doctor: Did you follow the instructions on the medicine I gave you?

IRS Worker: I sure did. The bottle said “Keep tightly closed.”

(PS — Hey, I know the fact that the patient is an IRS employee does NOT make the joke any funnier for YOU, but I’m not gonna turn down ANY opportunity to diss those slimy bastards!!)

A priest lost his pet rooster and couldn’t find it, no matter how many times he checked around his parish. Frustrated, he decided to bring it up during his Sunday Mass. From the pulpit, he asked, loudly, “Anyone got a cock?” All the men inside the church stood up!

“No, I mean, has anyone seen a cock?” All the women inside the church stood up.

“No, no, no . . . what I mean is . . . has anyone seen MY cock?” All the nuns stood up!

Phillip fancied himself quite a ladies’ man, so when his cruise ship went down in a storm and he found himself stranded on a desert island with six women, he couldn’t believe his good fortune.

They quickly agreed that each woman would have one night a week with the only man. Phillip threw himself into the arrangement with gusto, working even on his day off, but as the weeks stretched into months, he found himself looking forward to that day of rest more and more eagerly.

One afternoon he was sitting on the beach and wishing for some more men to share his duties when he caught sight of a man waving from a life raft that was bobbing on the waves.

Phillip swam out, pulled the raft to shore, and did a little jig of happiness.

“You can’t believe how happy I am to see you,” he cried.

The new fellow eyed him up and down and cooed, “You’re a sight for sore eyes, too, you gorgeous thing!”

“Shit,” sighed Phillip, “there go my Sundays.”