Jokes News

Grandma, who was living with her daughter’s family, let her 11-year-old grandson in from school. “What did you learn today?” she asked.

“Sex education,” he replied. “All about penises and vaginas and intercourse and stuff,” he replied, matter-of-factly. The old woman was shocked and reported the conversation to her daughter when she got home.

Her daughter replied, “Mom, this is the Nineties. These days it’s all part of the curriculum.”

A few hours later, the grandmother was reading when her daughter announced that dinner was ready. Grandmother walked past her grandson’s bedroom and noticed him on his bed, vigorously masturbating. “Sonny, she said, “when you’re finished with your homework, come on downstairs to eat.”

A father is taking a bath with his son and the son says,
“Daddy, what’s that?”

Father says, “I don’t know, it just grew there.”

Son says: “You’re lucky it didn’t grow on your face.”

two guys are walking down the street and they run into a bar, what do they say “ouch”

Q:Why are hurricanes named after women?

A:They come into your life wet and dangerous and leave your life taking your house and possessions

Did you hear about this new female condom?

It’s supposed to fit snugly over the woman’s wine glass.

Q. Why do blondes have square chests?

A. They forgot to take the tissue out of the box.

[Note: this joke is better told than read]

As Veteran’s Day approached, a Minnesota pastor decided it would be a good idea to have members of his congregation speak about their wartime activities. After a little research, he discovered that one of his parishioners was a fighter pilot for Norway. He asked the man to speak to the congregation, and the old pilot reluctantly agreed.

After starting slowly, the old flyer warmed to the task.

“Ja, I vas a Norvegian fighter pilot during de var. I remember one time, der I vas, flying along and I saw dis Fokker on my left. Den I saw another Fokker on my right, and suddenly der vas another Fokker above me.”

The pastor nervously interrupted “Perhaps I should point out that the Fokker Corporation made many of the planes that the German Luftwaffe flew during the war.”

“Ja, das true,” replied the pilot, “but dese Fokkers was in Messerschmitts!”

Q. What’s the difference between a battery and a woman?

A. A battery has a positive side.

A guy has been asking the prettiest girl in town for a date and finally she agrees to go out with him. He takes her to a nice restaurant, buys
her a fancy dinner with expensive wine and on the way home he pulls over to the side of the road in a secluded spot.

They start necking and he’s getting pretty excited. He starts to reach under her skirt and she stops him, saying she’s a virgin and wants to stay that way.

“Well, OK,” he says, “how a ’bout a blow job?”

“EEEEyyyyyyeeeewwwwwww!” she screams. “I’m not putting that thing in my mouth!”

He says, “Well then, how about a hand job?”

“I’ve never done that,” she says. “What do I have to do?”

“Well,” he answers, “remember when you were a kid and you used to shake up a Coke bottle and spray your brother with it?”

She nods.

“Well, it’s just like that.”

So he pulls it out and she grabs hold of it and starts shaking it. A few seconds later, his head flops back on the headrest, his eyes close,
snot starts to run out of his nose, wax blows out of his ears and he screams out in pain.

“What’s wrong?!” she cries out.

“TAKE YOUR THUMB OFF OF THE END!!!!!!”

His baloney has a first name,
It’s “I did not in-hale.”
His baloney has a second name,
“I wasn’t getting tail.”
He loves to sing it every day,
The White House people all just saaaaaaay,
That Billy Clinton has a way,
Of making bullshit sound OKAY!