Jokes News

Boss: “Do you believe in life after death???”

New Employee: “Yes, Sir.”

Boss: “Well, then, that explains it. After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother’s funeral, she stopped in to see your new office.”

why was there only one Yogi?

They tried to make another one but they made a BOOBOO.

1. You can achieve a “Runner’s High” by sitting up.
2. You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before…
3. You can see individual air molecules vibrating.
4. You begin to explore the possibility of setting up an I.V. drip solution of espresso.
5. You wonder if brewing is really a necessary step for the consumption of coffee.
6. You believe that if you think hard enough, you can fly.
7. You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before…
8. Things become “Very Clear.”
9. It appears that people are speaking to you in binary code.
10. You have great revelations concerning: Life, the Universe, and Everything else, but can’t quite find the words for them before the white glow disappears, leaving you more confused than before.
11. You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before…
12. Losing your mind was okay, but when the voices in your head quieted, it was like losing your best friend.
13.You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before…
14. You listen to your relaxation tapes on high speed.
15. You call your voicemail from your car using your cell-phone while driving to work to remind yourself of tasks to do during the day.
16. You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before…
17. You page yourself because when its set to vibrate, it’s “almost” like getting a massage.
18. Your e-mail notification tune is Taps.
19. You tap your foot impatiently at the amount of time your microwave popcorn takes to pop.
20. You say the same sentence over and over again, not realizing that you have said it before…

The census taker knocked on Donna’s door. She answered all his questions except one. She refused to tell him her age.

“But everyone tells their age to the census taker,” he said.

“Did my next door neighbors, Miss Maisy Hill and Miss Daisy Hill, tell you THEIR ages?” she asked.

“Certainly,” he replied.

“Well, I’m the same age as they are!” she snapped.

“As old as the Hills,” he wrote on his form.

Why do GAY MEN wear ribbed condoms ?

So they can get better traction in the mud.

One day a man with no tongue approched a threesome on the first tee of a golf course. He handed a card to the men that stated, “I am dumb as I have no tongue. I would like to join your threesome, making it a foursome”.

The first man looked at the card and said, “No problem”.
The second man looked at the card and said, “I have no problem with that”.
The third man looked at the card and exclaimed, ” No Way!! We have been a threesome for years and we don’t need some guy joining us and probably ruining things.”

The dumb man accepted this tirade and waved the threesome on their way. Two holes later a golf ball comes flying throught the air hitting the jerk member of the threesome in the back of the head. The blow knocked him to the ground, stunning him for several seconds. Jumping to his feet he angrily looked back to the see the dumb man on the tee box with four fingers thrust in the air and a grin on his face.

This guy and his dog went to a Lions game and the security guard told the man that he couldnt bring a dog into the stadium.

The guy said, “Come on man he is a die hard Lions fan!”

But, the security guard insisted, “No, its against rules but theres a bar across the street you can bring the dog to watch the game.”

So they went to the bar across the street.

They sat down and as they were watching the game the Lions got an interception.

The dog went nuts, howling and barking.

The bartender says, “Wow isn’t that impressive!”

So they’re watching the game and the Lions get a First Down and the dog starts going nuts and the bartender says, “Thats amazing what does the dog do if the Lions score a Touchdown?”

“I dont know,” says the guy “I have only had the dog for 7 years.”

Lesson Number One:

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit noticed the crow, and asked, “Can I sit like you and do nothing all day long?”

The crow answered, “Sure, why not.”

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral Of The Story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson Number Two:

A turkey was chatting with a bull. “I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,” sighed the turkey, “but I haven’t got the energy.”

“Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?” replied the bull. “They’re packed with nutrients.”

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally, after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon, though, the turkey was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral Of The Story: B.S. might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there.