Jokes News

Jim was reading the want adds and found that a fine restaurant had an position open for a piano player. He decided to apply and went down to the restaurant. The manager asked him to play for him so he could evaluate his talent. Jim began to play and after a few moments, the manager said, “Why, that’s beautiful music. I don’t think I’ve heard music sound so wonderful. What piece was that?”

Jim replied ” I wrote it myself.”
“You did, well it was absolutely the best music I’ve ever heard. What do you call that piece?”
“If you don’t start wiping your ass, I will never fuck you there again!”
The manager was quite startled, but asked him to play another piece. Once again the music was very good, just the best the manager had ever heard. He asked the man what was the name of this piece.
“I wrote this one also, and I call it, Your pussy smells so sweet, I could eat it all day long.”

The manager decided that despite the names of these songs, the music was something special, and that he knew his customers would enjoy it as well. He told the man he could start this very same evening.

After several songs on his first night, a beautiful blond-haired, blue-eyed woman with a very low cut dress comes over, puts her elbows on the piano, leans over and begins to tell him that she loves his piano music. Immediately he can see both of her breasts. He played one more song, but he couldn’t take it any longer. He excused himself for a moment, went to the men’s room and beat off while thinking of the beautiful women’s breasts. As he approached his piano, the woman was still there, and she said “Do you know your dick is hanging out, and you have cum all over your pants.”

He said, “Do I know it? I wrote it!”

Q: What is the difference between 365 used condoms and a tire?

A: One is a Goodyear and the other one is a really good year!

One day Mrs. Flanagan feels sickly and goes to the doctor for a look at. The doctor looks her over and says, “Well now, Mrs. Flanagan, I’m perplexed on your condition but if you bring a urine specimen to me in the morning, I can tell exactly what’s wrong.”

Mrs. Flanagan went home and said to her husband, “The doctor wants me to bring him a urine specimen in the morning. I don’t know what a urine specimen is, what am I to do?”

Mr. Flanagan replied, “I don’t know, but if you go see Mrs. O’Toole, she’ll know what to do.”

Mrs. Flanagan then went down the road to Mrs. O’Toole’s and returned a few minutes later with her clothes torn, a black eye, bruises all over her body, and her hair tangled like a bird nest.

A shocked Mr. Flanagan gasped, “Jesus, Mary and Joseph, woman! What happened to ye?”

“I went to see Mrs. O’Toole and asked her what a urine specimen is and she said ‘Piss in a bottle, woman.’” So I said, “Go shit in yer hat!,” and the fight was on.

A new restaurant opened over the weekend and the owner’s friend sent over flowers to celebrate the opening. However, when the flowers arrived at the new restaurant, the owner took one look at the card which read, “Rest In Peace.” This so angered the owner that he called up the florist to complain.

After the owner had told the florist about the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist said, “I’m really really sorry for what happened, sir. But while you are within your right to get angry at us, just put your anger in perspective and picture this: Somewhere there is a funeral taking place right now and there are flowers with a card saying, ‘Congratulations on your new location’.”

There was this Christian lady who had to do a lot of traveling for her business, so she did a lot of flying. Flying made her nervous, so she always took her Bible along with her to read and it helped relax her. One time on an airplane, she was sitting next to a man. When he saw her pull out her Bible, he gave a little chuckle and went back to what he was doing.

After awhile, he turned to her and asked, “You don’t really believe all that stuff in there, do you?”

The lady replied, “Of course I do. It is the Bible.”

He said, “Well, what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?”

She replied, “Oh, Jonah. Yes, I believe that, it is in the Bible.”

He asked, “Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?”

The lady said, “Well, I don’t really know. I guess when I get to heaven, I will ask him.”

“What if he isn’t in heaven?” the man asked sarcastically.

“Then you can ask him,” replied the lady.

There are three blondes washed up on an island.

Suddenly a fairy appears and offers to grant each one of them one wish.

The first blonde asks to be intelligent. Instantly, she is turned into a brown haired woman and she swims off the island.

The next one asks to be even more intelligent than the previous one, so instantly she is turned into a ravishing redhead. The redhead builds a boat and sails off the island.

The third blonde asks to become even more intelligent than the previous two.

The fairy turns her into a man, and he walks across the bridge.

Why did the woman cross the street ?

Who gives a shit, why isn’t she in the kitchen and where did she get those shoes ?

Little Lulu is travelling in an aeroplane. The aeroplane starts giving problems and it soon becomes clear that all passengers will have to use their parachutes and jump out as the plane is about to crash.

Unfortunately there is not sufficient parachutes for all the passengers. Lulu being really brave, decides to hand her parachute to somebody else. The stranger who takes the parachute is quite alarmed to see that Lulu is smiling from ear to ear.

“But why are you not worried — Certainly without a parachute you will surely die?” says the stranger.

Lulu responds, “I’m really not scared, in fact I’m feeling pretty confident… Why? Because it’s that time of the month and I’m wearing pads that have wings.”

Three nuns passed every day through a street that led them from Church to a Reformatory. They noticed a parrot that stood at the entrance of a big residential house. Every time they passed in front of that house, the bird would pronounced three sequential colors.

One day, they heard, “yellow, blue, black.” One of the nuns noticed that those colors perfectly matched the colors of their underwear. She mentioned her discovery to the other two nuns, but both were reluctant to believe that could be possible.

The next day, they all wore black underwear and passed in front of the house, and very precisely, the parrot spoke, “black, black, black.”

Hearing that, the three nuns were astonished! One of the nuns spoke up, “Girls, tomorrow we are going to trick that bird.” Saying that, she recommended that the next day, none of them should be wearing any underwear under their vestments.

Respecting their agreement, the next day they wore no underwear, and proceeded to pass in front of the parrot’s house. They peeked at the bird. At the beginning, the parrot looked a bit puzzled and swung back and forth on the cane he was perched on. Then after a while, the parrot said, “Straight, Straight, Curly!”

How did Dairy Queen get pregnent?

Burger King forgot to wrap his Whopper.