Jokes News

A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.

“Look at their reserve, their calm,” muses the Brit. “They must be British.”

“Nonsense,” the Frenchman disagrees. “They’re naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French.”

“No clothes, no shelter,” the Russian points out, “they have only an apple to eat, and they’re being told this is paradise. They are Russian.”

(to the tune of car innuendo guy)
Oh, baby baby baby
I wanna check your emissions,
Buh buh baby baby baby
I wanna grind your transmission.
Buh buh baby baby baby,
my fuzzy dice are feeling ripe
‘Cause I wanna shove my manly crankshaft up your rusty tailpipe

I’m your car innuendo guy, your car innuendo guy

Oh, baby baby baby
Pump my piston ’til it’s sore
Buh buh baby baby baby
I wanna slam your back door
Buh buh baby baby baby,
I wanna ride ’til your broken
I wanna give your love compartment my sexual strokin’

I’m your car innuendo guy, your car innuendo guy

Come on now baby, dontcha pull out my tube,
You’ll miss my grease monkey, and my stiff jiffy lube

Aww, baby, baby, baby please don’t run out of gas,
Buh buh baby baby baby, I’m gonna turbocharge YOUR ass,
Buh buh baby baby baby, I hope ya brought extra sheets,
cause baby I’m leakin’ wiper fluid on your new leather seats

I’m your car innuendo guy, your car innuendo guy

Eagles mate for life, so this near-sighted eagle goes out to look for a mate. He finds a dove. They go back to his nest and they make love. It was fantastic sex, but all night long this dove says, “I’m a dove, let’s make love. I’m a dove, let’s make love.” Well the eagle just can’t take this for the rest of his life so next morning he kicks the dove out of his nest.

Then on for the quest of another mate, he runs into a wren which he takes back to his nest where they start making love. Again fantastic sex but all night long this wren says “I’m a wren, let’s do it again. I’m a wren, let’s do it again.” Well the eagle is getting really irritated so next morning he kicks the wren out of the nest.

Being very cautious (he thinks) he goes out to look for another mate. He finds the perfect mate… a duck. So again he takes the duck to his nest and makes love to it. You’ll never guess what this duck is saying all night long…

**scroll down**
:
:
:
:
:
:
:
:
:
:
:
:
:
:
:
:
:
:
:
:
:
“I’m a drake you made a mistake. I’m a drake you made a mistake.”

(gotcha there… hehehe)

A kid says to his girlfriend’s father, “Mr. Smith, there’s something I want to ask you.”

Mr. Smith says, “Young man, you have my full blessing. You’ve been dating my daughter for two years now, my daughter’s happiness is all I want. You want to marry her right?”

The kid says, “No, sir, that’s not it. My car payment is due, and I’m a little short until payday, and I want to know if I could borrow a hundred dollars until Friday.”

Mr. Smith says, “Fuck no. I hardly know you.”

An Arab diplomat visiting the US for the first time was being wined and dined by the State Department. The Grand Emir was not accustomed to the salt in American foods (French fries, cheeses, salami, anchovies, soy sauce, etc.) and was constantly sending his man servant, Abdul, to fetch him a glass of water.

Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water, but then came the time when he returned empty-handed.

“Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water??!” demanded the Grand Emir.

“A thousand pardons, Oh Illustrious One,” stammered Abdul, “but man sit on well.” (potty)

A boy about to get married comes home from his bachelor party.

His father is waiting up for him to find out how it went.

When the boy walks in and sees his father he says, “Dad, I know you and Mother have spent a lot of money and time on the wedding, but, I can’t marry her!”

“Why’s this, son?” the father ask.

“Well, tonight I found out she’s still a virgin!”

Then the father staggers back a little outraged, and says,
“I don’t blame you son. Hell, if she ain’t good enough for her own damn family, she sure the Hell ain’t good enough for OURS!”

“I’m ashamed of you,” the mother said.

“But he threw a rock at me!” the boy said. “So I threw one back at him.”

“When he threw a rock at you, you shouuld have come to me.”

“What good would that have done? My aim is much better than yours.”

There was this little boy named Johnny and Johnny was in Kindergarten.

One day, Johnny was in the back of the class room when his teacher noticed him scratching frantically at his privates.

“Johnny, what’s wrong?” his teacher asked.

“It itches” Johnny said.

“Well, go to the office and have the secretary call your Mommy” the teacher said.

Johnny called his mom and a few minutes later the teacher noticed that Johnny was back in the class room and scratching harder than ever. Only this time, Johnny had his penis out of his pants.

” Johnny!” screamed the teacher, What are you doing?”

“Well,” said Johnny,” My Mommy said that she would pick me up at the end of the day if I would just STICK IT OUT”.