Jokes News

While my brother-in-law was tapping away on his home computer, his ten-year-old daughter sneaked up behind him. Then she turned and ran into the kitchen, squealing to the rest of the family, “I know Daddy’s password! I know Daddy’s password!”

“What is it? her older sisters asked, eagerly.

Proudly she replied, “Asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk!”

Three guys were arguing over which profession was established first.

The surgeon said, “The Bible says Eve was made by carving a rib out of Adam–that makes mine the oldest job.”

The engineer replied, “In six days the Earth was created of chaos–an engineer’s job.”

“Yes, but who created the chaos?” asked the politician.

A certain doctor was making his daily rounds at the hospital. The nurse on duty came up to him with a patient’s file and said,
“Doctor, when you changed this patient’s medication, you forgot to sign her file.”

The doctor reached behind his ear to retrieve his pen so he could sign the form, but was surprised to find a rectal thermometer there instead.

“Shit!” cried the doctor. “Some asshole has my pen!”

These are actual excuse notes teachers have received; spelling mistakes included.

“My son is under a doctor’s care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.”

“Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.”

“Dear School: Please ekscuse John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.”

“Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.”

“Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.”

“John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.”

“Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.”

“Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.”

“Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.”

“Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.”

“Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.”

“Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.”

“Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father’s fault.”

“I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don’t know what size she wear.”

“Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.”

“Sally won’t be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.”

“My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.”

“Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.”

“Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.”

“Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.”

After the party, as the couple was driving home, the woman
asks her husband, “Honey, has anyone ever told you how
handsome, sexy and irresistible to women you are?”

The flattered husband said, “No, dear they haven’t.”

The wife yells, “Then what the heck gave you THAT idea at the party tonight?”

One day an avid hunter decided he was tired of hunting in his local forest and drove nearly 400 miles to go hunting in Canada. He spent 5 hours in the forest before coming upon a small black bear, he raised his rifle and fired. Immediately a bigger brown bear grabbed him and said, “Ya know, I could kill you right now, but I’d rather teach you a lesson”. The bear proceded to turn the hunter around, bend him over, and have is way with him.

The hunter stalked away holding his ripped pants and started plotting his revenge. 1 week later the hunter returned to the same spot as before and found the big brown bear, he raised his rifle and fired. Immediately an even bigger grizzly grabbed him and said, “I should kill you for that, but I think I’m gonna teach you a lesson instead”. The bear proceeded to turn the hunter around, bend him over and have his way with him.

The hunter stalked away holding his rear and plotting his revenge. 1 week later the hunter returned to the same place found the grizzly, raised his gun and killed it. Immediately the Grand-daddy of all grizzlies grabbed him and said, “You don’t come here for the hunting do you?”

One day after church sevrice a yong boy went up to his pastor after church and said, “When I grow up and get rich, I’m going to give you a lot of money.”

The pracher said, “Why thank you, but may I ask why?”
The boy replied, “Because my daddy said you are the poorest preacher we have ever had!”

Q. What do u call a deer with no eyes?

A. No eye deer

Q. What do u call a deer with no legs or eyes?

A. Still no eye deer

Q.Why is “The Wave” no longer permitted in stadiums?

A. Because 2 blondes drowned

Three guys were having an argument about who was more generously endowed. In order to settle the argument once and for all, they went to the top of the Empire State Building and unzipped their pants.

“Pretty good, huh,” said Ted, whose cock was hanging down to the fifty-eighth floor.

“That’s nothing. I’ve got you beat easy.” said Joe, whose penis went down to a window just above the forty-fifth.

They both looked over at the third guy, who was moving around very strangely, jumping from one foot to the other and peering very anxiously over the edge of the observation deck.

“What the hell are you doing, Harry?” asked Ted.

Harry answered, “I’m dodging traffic!”