Jokes News

Q: What’s long, green, and smells like pork?

A: Kermit the Frog’s finger.

A young man was walking past a bar on the boardwalk in Atlantic City when a hooker stepped out of the shadows and approached him. On closer look, she was not as young as she first appeared but still not bad.

“How much?” asked the young man.

“Twenty bucks for a quickie under the boardwalk.”

She led him down to the beach and under the boardwalk where they undressed and had a short sweet romp. But as he pulled out of her, she blew a loud fart.

When they were dressed again, he handed her a twenty and a five.

“Hey, thanks, junior, you must think I’m pretty good to tip me a five,” said the hooker.

“No, sweetie”, he replied, “That’s for blowing the sand off my balls.”

Q: Why can’t you tell blondes Knock Knock Jokes?
A: Because they go answer the door!!

The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike. As he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went. Then he moved to one side, getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before jerking it again.

After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, “If he gets loose, will he hurt us?”

Once, there was a bass swimming in a river. About 6 inches above the water was a fly. The bass said to himself “If that fly would drop six inches, I could get that fly”.

On the bank of the river stood a bear. The bear thought to himself, “If that fly drops 6 inches, that bass could get the fly, and I could get that bass”.

Behind a tree stood a hunter. The hunter thought to himself, “If that fly drops 6 inches, that bass could get the fly, that bear could get the bass, and I could get that bear.”

Up on a hill stood a mouse. The mouse thought to himself, “If that fly drops 6 inches, that bass could get the fly, that bear could get the bass, that hunter could get the bear, and I could jump in the hunter’s picnic basket.”

On another hill stood a cat. The cat thought to himself, “If that fly drops 6 inches, that bass could get the fly, that bear could get the bass, that hunter could get the bear, that mouse will jump in the hunter’s picnic basket, and I could get that mouse.”

Well, everything happened at once. The fly dropped six inches, the bass got the fly, the bear got the bass, the hunter got the bear, the mouse jumped in the picnic basket, and the cat jumped in after the mouse. The cat hit the picnic basket and then rolled down the hill and fell into the water.

What is the moral of the story?

Whenever a fly drops six inches, pussy gets wet!

An escaped convict broke into a house. He tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom and then proceeded to search the rest of the home.

As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous wife, bound up on the bed with her shorty nightgown up around her waist, and whispered, “Honey, this guy hasn’t seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it, however sick, bizarre or perverted it might be. Our very lives depend on it!”

“Dear,” the wife hissed, “I’m so relieved that you feel that way, because just before he left the room to try and find a jar of Vaseline, he told me the thinks that you’re cute!”

A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline, and his Personal Psychic Advisor tells him: “You are going to meet a beautiful, young girl who will want to know everything about you.”

The frog is thrilled, “This is great! Will I meet her at a party?”

“No,” says his Advisor, “in her biology class.”

Dirty Johnny is walking through the park one day and he sees a Priest. Noticing the way he is dressed, Johnny says, “Hey mister, what’s with the backwards collar?”

The Priest says, “Well my son, I’m a Father.”

Dirty Johnny says, “Well, my pop’s got three kids and he don’t wear a collar like that.”

The Priest says, “No, you don’t understand. I’m the father of THOUSANDS.”

Dirty Johnny says, “Well, if you’re the father of THOUSANDS maybe you should try wearing your PANTS backwards!!”

What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?

Run like hell — she’s got a grenade in her mouth!

A few years ago as the Little Bighorn Memorial Museum was preparing to be opened, an artist was commissioned to paint a mural of General Custer’s last thought before he and his men were slaughtered at the battle of Little Bighorn.

The artist thought for many days before he even started on the painting, but then went frantically to work to have the huge painting finished in time for the museum’s grand opening.

On the day of the opening, the crowds gathered round the curator, the survivors of the General’s family and the artist for the great unveiling of the masterpiece.

When the canvas fell, the throngs beheld a huge painting of Jesus with his robes up around his waist, squatting over a field and taking a dump. Behind Jesus were masses of Native Americans, male and female, engaging in all manner of sexual acts.

Men in the crowds gasped and women fainted as the curator hurridly attempted to cover the pornagraphic artwork. Finally he turned to the artist and cried, “What the hell is this supposed to be!”

The artist replied, “Well, I was commissioned to paint what I believe Custer’s last thoughts were and I believe the last thing he thought was ‘Holy Shit! Look at all the fucking Indians!’”