Jokes News

question: “What do you get when you join together Bill Clinton, Al Gore and Dolly Parton?”

answer: “Two Boobs and a country singer!”

Q: What is black and white, and red all over?

A: Micheal Jackson with a sunburn.

Out on the town one night, a young lad successfully chats up an attractive female, and they go back to her place. “You can’t make any noise,” she warns him. “My parents are upstairs, and if they find out, they’ll kill us!”

Things start getting heated up on the sofa, but after awhile, alcohol gets the better of the man’s bladder. “I have to go,” he says.

“Well, you can’t go upstairs, it’s right next to my parents’ bedroom,” she replies. “Use the kitchen sink.”

So he dutifully retires to the kitchen. A few minutes later, he pops his head round the door and asks, “Do you have any paper?”

1. Home is where you hang your @
2. The E-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
4. You can’t teach a new mouse old clicks.
5. Great groups from little icons grow.
6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.
7. C:\is the root of all directories.
8. Don’t put all your hypes in one home page.
9. Pentium wise, pen and paper foolish.
10. The modem is the message.
11. Too many clicks spoil the browse.
12. The geek shall inherit the earth.
13. A chat has nine lives.
14. Don’t byte off more than you can view.
15. Fax is stranger than fiction.
16. What boots up must come down.
17. Windows will never cease.
18. In Gates we trust.
19. Virtual reality is its own reward.
20. Modulation in all things.
21. A user and his leisure time are soon parted.
22. There’s no place like home.com
23. Know what to expect before you connect.
24. Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice.
25. Speed thrills.
26. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach him to use the Net and he will not bother you for weeks.

Did you ever hear one of those corny, positive messages on someone’s answering machine? “Hi, It’s a great day and I’m out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is “Share the love.”

“Beep.” “Uh, yeah. . . this is the VD clinic calling. . .Speaking of being positive, your test is back. Stop sharing the love.”

– Andy Rooney

What do you call a group of virgins covered with whipped cream?

A cherry pie.

What kind of bird brings a baby?

A stork

What type of bird brings no baby?

A swallow!

Three of the tennis foursome head for the showers after the match. The fourth one just gets into his car and goes home. This happens every week–the same three shower, number four, doesn’t.

Finally, one guy asks him why he doesn’t shower after playing tennis; he is, after all, just as hot and sweaty as the other three.

“To tell you the truth,” he says, “I’m kind of shy about being naked in front of other guys. To be perfectly blunt, I’m not all that well endowed.”

“Well,” his friend says, “does it work all right?”

“As far as that goes, sure, it works all right. I’ve been getting laid on a daily basis for almost 20 years. It never fails to perform.”

“How’d you like to trade it for one that looks good in the showers?”

An Irishman, an Italian, and a Polish guy are in a bar. They all are talking about how much there lives suck, and how much the bars in their respective home towns are better.

Then the Irishman says, “Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Dublin, there’s a better one. At MacDougal’s, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!”

The others agree that sounds like a nice place.

Then the Italian says, “Yeah, that’s a nice bar, but where I come from, there’s a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there’s this place, Vinny’s. At Vinny’s, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy anudda drink, Vinny buys you anudda drink.”

Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.

Then the Polish guy says, “You think that’s great? Where I come from, there’s this place called Warshowski’s. At Warshowski’s, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!”

“Wow!” say the other two. “That’s fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?”

“No,” replies the Polish guy, “but it happened to my wife!”