Jokes News

There was this guy who died with an erection that was too big to make him a coffin. So the wife said, “Let’s cut it off and shove it up his ass.”

Well the next day at his funeral the wife saw a tear in his eye and said, “I told you it hurts, you fuckin’ bastard!”

Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse are getting a divorce after several years of marriage. When they are standing before the divorce court, the presiding judge gives his ruling on Mickey Mouse’s divorce petition. The judge says, “Mr. Mouse, I’m afraid I cannot grant you a divorce from Minnie Mouse.”

“What? How come, your Honor?” asks a surprised Mickey Mouse.

“Well, there is nothing in your petition for divorce to support your claims that Mrs. Mouse is crazy.” explains the judge.

“But, your Honor,” pleads Mickey Mouse. “I never said she was crazy. I just said she was fucking Goofy!”

Saddam Hussein and Bill Clinton meet up in Baghdad for the first round of talks in a new peace process. When Bill sits down, he notices three buttons on the side of Saddam’s chair.

They begin talking. After about five minutes Saddam presses the first button. A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and punches Clinton in the face.

Confused, Clinton carries on talking as Saddam laughs.

A few minutes later the second button is pressed. This time a big boot comes out and kicks Clinton in the shin. Again, Saddam laughs, and again Clinton carries on talking, not wanting to put off the bigger issue of peace between the two countries.

But when the third button is pressed and another boot comes out and kicks Clinton in the privates, he’s finally had enough, knowing that he can’t do much without them functioning well. “I’m going back home!” he tells the Iraqi. “We’ll finish these talks in two weeks!”

A fortnight passes and Saddam flies to the United States for talks. As the two men sit down, Hussein notices three buttons on Clinton’s chair and prepares himself for the Yank’s revenge.

They begin talking and Bill presses the first button. Saddam ducks, but nothing happens. Clinton snickers. A few seconds later he presses the second button. Saddam jumps up, but again nothing happens. Clinton roars with laughter. When the third button is pressed, Saddam jumps up again, and again nothing happens. Clinton falls on the floor in a fit of hysterics.

“Forget this,” says Saddam. “I’m going back to Baghdad!”

Clinton says through tears of laughter, “What Baghdad?”

1. You dream you’re eating chocolate mousse and you wake up with a spoon up your ass

2 Your grandma omes to give you a good night kiss and slips the tongue in.

3. A dwarf tells you your hair smells nice.

A 92-year-old man went to the doctor for his physical. A few days later, the doctor saw the man walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.

At his follow-up visit, the doctor talked to the man and said, “You’re really doing great, aren’t you?”

The man replied, “Just doing what you said, Doctor: ‘Get a hot mamma and be cheerful’.”

The doctor said, “That’s NOT what I said. I said you got a heart murmur. Be careful.”

LADY TO SHOE SALESMAN: “…excuse me, could you please help me out?”

SHOE SALESMAN: “…Sure, which way’d you come in?”

You know it’s your last day at work when …

You hand a bank teller an envelope, and when she asks, “What’s this?” you realize you just dropped the company’s deposit in a mailbox.

A woman comes into the store, you turn to the other salesman and say, “I waited on the last fat ugly old lady. This one’s your turn”. Your boss is standing behind you. It’s his wife.

You sneak into your boss’ office and look at some confidential information on his computer while he is at lunch. You spill coffee on the keyboard. It shorts out.

You return from a week’s vacation to find that you had scheduled *this* week as vacation, not last week.

You take a “sick” day. The next morning the boss asks you, “So, how was the fishing on Rock Creek yesterday?”

You wake up hung over. You have a black eye and barked knuckles. Your underwear is missing. You’re in jail. Last night was the company Christmas party.

Question: A woman from New York married ten different men from that city, yet she did not break any laws. None of these men died, and she never divorced. How was this possible?

Answer: The lady was a Justic of the Peace.

Three guys, a father, son, and grandfather go out to play a round of golf. As they are on the way out to the first tee they are joking, bullshitting, and cussing, very much the men’s day out. Just before the son is ready to tee off, this fine looking woman walks up carrying her clubs. She says that her partner didn’t show and asks if she can join them.

The guys say sure, since she is a really beautiful woman.

The kid kind of grumbles that now they can’t cuss and bullshit around.

The lady turns to the three of them and says, “I don’t care what the three of you do, cuss, smoke, chew, spit or whatever, just don’t try to coach me on my game.”

The guys say O.K. and ask if she would like to tee off first.

All eyes are on her ass as her skirt rides up as she bends over to place the ball.

She then proceeds to knock the shit out of the ball right up the middle.

She just starts pounding these guys, par every hole. They get to the 18th and she has a 12 foot putt for par.

She turns around and says, “You guys have done a great job at not trying to coach me on my game, I have never shot par before and I am going to ask all of your opinions in this putt. Now if any of those opinions help me make the par I will give each of you a blow job that you will never forget.”

The guys think what a deal. The kid walks over eyes up the putt for a couple of minutes and finally says, “Lady, aim that putt six inches to the right of the hole, the ball will break left 12 inches from the hole and will go in the cup.”

The father walks up and says, “Don’t listen to the youngster, aim 12 inches to the right and the ball will break left 2 feet from the hole and fall in the cup.”

The grandfather looks at the both of them in disgust, walks over picks up the ball and says, “Fuck the putt, that’s a Gimme.”

What do you get if you cross a Jehovah’s Witness with an Atheist?

Someone who knocks on your door for no reason.