Jokes News

Q: How come a lesbian can’t be on a diet and wear make-up at the same time?

A: Because you can’t eat Jenny Craig when you already have Mary Kay on your face.

One policeman says to the other:

“When I get home, I am going to rip the wife’s knickers and bra off.”

“That’s a bit harsh, isn’t it!?” says the other policeman.

“No, the elastic is killing me!!!” was replied.

A black cat crosses your path and drops dead.

You take an assertiveness training course and you’re afraid to tell your wife.

The candles on your cake set off your smoke alarm.

Your chauffeur is on parole for car theft.

You have to take out a loan just to get money for the down payment.

Your children’s school calls to surrender.

The bride’s family throws rocks instead of rice.

Your wife wraps your lunch in a road map.

Your plants do better when you DON’T talk to them.

All your modeling jobs are for cartoonists.

Your engagement ring is, upon closer inspection, plastic.

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can’t even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It’s one of those “evolutionary things” that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts her sentence with “A man once told me . . .”

How do you fix a woman’s watch?
You don’t. There is a clock on the oven.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog of course. He’ll shut up once you let him in.

What’s worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman that won’t do what she’s told.

I married Miss Right.
I just didn’t know her first name was Always.

I haven’t spoken to my wife for 18 months:
I don’t like to interrupt her.

What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
Divorced.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman’s sex drive by 90%.
It is called Wedding Cake.

Marriage is a 3 ring circus:
Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.

Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me “What’s on the TV?”
I said, “Dust!”

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, “I haven’t eaten anything in four days.” She looked at him and said, “God, I wish I had your willpower.”

Young Son: “Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her?”
Dad: That happens in every country, son.

A man inserted an advertisement in the classified: “Wife Wanted.” The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: “You can have mine.”

The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.

A guy walks into a bar one day and says to the barman, “Give me six double vodkas.”

“Wow!” says the barman, “You must have had one hell of a day.”

“Yep. I’ve just found out my older brother is gay.”

The next day, the same guy walks into the bar and asks for another six double vodkas. “I’ve just found out that my younger brother is gay too,” he explains.

On the third day, the guy walks into the bar and orders another six double vodkas.

“Damn! Doesn’t anybody in your family like women?” asks the barman.

“Yeah, my wife.”

No, really, I’m O.K. to drive…
- I’m wasted, and I am too embarrassed to have anybody see who I’m going with

I’m not used to these darts…
- I’m not used to throwing anything smaller than a pool cue when I’m this bombed.

Let’s go out to my car and get some cigarettes…(male to female)
- You would look great face down in my lap.

Want to check out my new car stereo? (male to female)
- I have a cattle prod and some 30 weight in my back seat

You get this one; next round is on me…
- We won’t be here long enough to get another round

I’ll get this one; next round is on you…
- Happy hour is about to end. Drafts are now a dollar, but by the next round they’ll be $4.50 a pop.

I haven’t seen you around here for a long time…
- You stuck-up little bitch…too good for you old friends?

Hey, where’s that friend of yours???
- I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get your attractive friend into a compromising position

Let’s get out of here
- I just dumped a half a pitcher of beer into that biker’s helmet

Can I get a glass of white zinfandel??? (female)
- I’m easy

Can I get a glass of white zinfandel??? (male)
- I’m gay

Every try a body shot??? (male to female)
- I’ll even drink tequila if it means I get to lick you

Every try a body shot??? (female to male)
- If this is how wild I am in the bar, imagine what I’ll do to you on the ride home.

I don’t feel well. Let’s go home (female to male)
- You are paying more attention to your friends than me

I don’t feel well. Let’s go home (male to female)
- I’m horny

I’ve had ten beers already…
- I’ve only had three but need an excuse to behave this way

Who’s got the next round???
- I haven’t bought a round in almost three years, but I am an expert at diverting attention

Excuse me… (male to male)
- Get the fuck out of the way

Excuse me… (male to female)
- I am going to grope you now

Excuse me… (female to male)
- Don’t even think about groping me. Just get the fuck out of my way.

Excuse me… (female to female)
- Move your fat ass. Who do you think you are anyway? You’re not all that, missy, and don’t think for one minute that you are. Coming in her dressing like a ho… Get your eyes offa my man, or I’ll slap you, bitch, like the slut you are.

I’m out of here; I have to work in the morning…
- I owe the guy who just walked in the door 100 bucks and have been avoiding him since football season.

What do you have on tap???
- What’s cheap?

You go ahead; I’ll catch a cab…
- I’ve already lined up a ride home with your ex.

That person looks really familiar…
- Did I fuck him/her?

Can I just get a glass of water??? (female)
- I’m annoying, but cute enough to get away with this.

Can I just get a glass of water??? (male)
- It’s 6 am and I just stopped drinking an hour ago. Hell, I probably dropped half of my paycheck in here last night, so it’s the least you can do for me.

Do you have any Wild Turkey???
- I want to make my friend really sick so we can all laugh at him in the morning.

I don’t have my ID on me… (female)
- I’m 19.

I don’t have my ID on me… (male)
- I don’t have a license since I got pulled over and blew a blood alcohol level of .32 after my last visit here.

Q: What do you get when you cross Viagra and Rogaine?

A: DON KING

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.

They hear a faint moan.

They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive. She lives for ten more years, and then dies.

A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket.

As they are walking, the husband cries out, “Watch out for the f**king wall!”

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules:

“The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time.”

He continued, “Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?”

At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired: “How much for a season pass?”