Jokes News

A man came home from work sporting two black eyes.

“What happened to you?” asked his wife.

“I’ll never understand women,” he replied. “I was riding up on an escalator behind this pretty young girl, and I noticed that her skirt was stuck in the crack of her butt. So I pulled it out, and she turned around and punched me in the eye!”

“I can certainly appreciate that,” said the wife, “but how did you get the second black eye?”

“Well, I figured she liked it that way, so I pushed it back in.”

Your gene pool needs a little chlorine.

You’re just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you!

You are depriving some poor village of its IDIOT!

Save Your Breath . . . You’ll need it to blow up your date!

All Men Are Animals, Some Just Make Better Pets.

Q: What do cows give after a long drought?
A: Powdered milk.

A guy is nagged by his wife, who is ardently supported by his mother-in-law.

They ask him for a vacation, so he goes around shopping for the cheapest offer.

The salesman offers him a vacation for two to New Zealand with two confirmed Silk Air flights, free breakfast, Bungee jumping- No strings attached.

The man asked the salesman if he could forgo other benefits for extra bungee jumping with no strings attached.

Martin Van Buren was so obnoxious to the southern states that he received only 9 popular votes from the South during his 1848 campaign for the Presidency—all were from Virginia. His supporters raised a cry of fraud. “Yes, fraud,” said a Virginian, “and we’re still looking for the son-of-a-bitch who voted nine times.”

Q: Why is President Clinton so interested in the Middle East?

A: He thinks the Gaza Strip is a topless bar!

A person after masturbating used to collect the semen in small bottles and decorate his drawing room.

When asked what was the content of the bottle he replied “This are my small kids who haven’t got their mothers love”.

A woman from the deepest, most southern part of Alabama goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is written.

The obit editor informs her that the fee for the
obituary is 50 cents a word.

She pauses, reflects and then says, “Well then, let it read, ‘Billy Bob died.”

Amused at the woman’s thrift, the editor says, “Sorry ma’am there is a 7 word minimum on all obituaries.”

Only a little flustered, she thinks things over and in a few seconds says, “In that case, let it read, ‘Billy Bob died, 1983 Pickup for sale.”

Once again Leroy was asked to do a simple homework assignment. Still befuddled by the whole school thing, Leroy is a trooper. He was given another set of vocabulary words to use in sentences. Here’s what he handed in:

1. HONOR ROLL - We was playin’ poker on the stoop the other day, man I was HONOROLL.

2. PLANET - I got me some seed to grow weed, so I PLANET in the backyard.

3. DEFENSE - I ran from the cops and hopped DEFENSE and got away.

4. LOCKET - I slam the door so hard, I LOCKET.

5. DOMINEERING - My girly’s birthday was yesterday, I got her a DOMINEERING.

6. DATA - At my basketball game, I scored thirty points. My coach he say, “DATA boy!”

7. FASCINATE - My girly’s titties are so big. Her shirt has ten buttons, she can only FASCINATE.

8. COATROOM - The judge said, “One more outburst like that, and you’ll be thrown out the COATROOM.”

9. COPULATE - I called 911 and an hour later when they show up, I said, “COPULATE!”

Constipated people don’t give a crap