Jokes News

A guy hires on with a logging crew in the middle of nowhere.
There is absolutely nothing to do; no TV, no telephone, no stores, nothing. So he asks one of the fellows at the camp what a person is supposed to do for entertainment.

The fellow takes him to one end of the camp and shows him a 55 gallon barrel with a hole in the side of it. He says to the new guy, “Any day except Tuesday, you can go over to that barrel and slide your pecker into that hole and get a blowjob as many times as you want.”

Well the new guy thinks this may not be so bad after all. He asks the fellow who showed him the barrel, “What is it about Tuesday that I can’t use the barrel?”

To which the fellow says, “Because that’s your day in the barrel.”

How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?

We don’t know, because it has never happened.

Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring, and good looking?

They all already have boyfriends.

Did you hear the one about the constipated accountant?

He couldn’t budget so he worked it out with a pencil.

It was little Matthew’s first visit to the country, and feeding the chickens fascinated him.

Late one evening, he caught his first glimpse of a peacock strutting in the yard, feathers spread beautifully in all its glory. Rushing indoors excitedly, Matthew called out for his grandmother . . .

“Oh, Grandma, come look! Come look!!” he exclaimed. “One of your chickens is in bloom!”

Dear Sir,

I wish to apply for an operation to make me sterile. My reasons are numerous, and after being married for 7 years and having 7 children I have come to the conclusion that contraceptives are totally useless.

After getting married I was advised to use the ‘Rhythm Method’. Despite trying the Tango and the Samba, my wife fell pregnant and I ruptured myself doing the Cha Cha Cha.

A doctor suggested using the ‘Safe Period’. At the time we were living with in-laws and had to wait for 3 weeks for a safe period when the house was empty. Needless to say, this didn’t work.

A lady of several years experience informed us that if we made love whilst breast feeding we would be alright. It’s hardly Newcastle Brown Ale, but I did finish up with clear skin, silky hair and felt very healthy, and my wife was pregnant.

Another old wives’ tale we heard was that if my wife jumped up and down after intercourse this would prevent pregnancy. After constant breast feeding — our 7 children plus my own earlier attempts — if my wife jumped up and down she would finish up with two black eyes and eventually knock herself unconscious.

I asked a chemist about the ‘Sheath’. The chemist demonstrated how easy it was to use, so I bought a packet. My wife fell pregnant again, which doesn’t really surprise me as I fail to see how a durex stretched over the thumb, as the chemist showed me, can prevent babies.

She was supplied with the ‘Coil’ and after several unsuccessful attempts to fit it, we realised we had got a left hand thread and my wife is definitely a right hand screw.

The ‘Dutch Cap’ came next; we were very hopeful of this as it did not interfere with our sex life at all, but alas it did give my wife severe headaches. We were given the largest size available but it was still too tight across her forehead.

Finally we tried the ‘Pill.’ At first it kept falling out, then we realised we were doing it wrong. My wife started putting it between her knees, thus preventing me getting anywhere near her; this did work for a while until the night she forgot the Pill.

You must appreciate my problem. If this operation is unsuccessful, I will have to revert to oral sex, although just talking about it can never substitute for the real thing.

Yours faithfully,

One day a young cowboy and cowgirl decided to get married. After the wedding they left for their honeymoon. While driving down the road, the new bride sees two cows having sex. The new bride asks, “What are they doing?”

The husband answers, “They’re roping.”

“I see,” replies the bride. After a few more hours of driving they see two horses having sex.

Again, the bride asks, “What are they doing, honey?”

The husband answers, “They’re roping!”

She replies, “Oh, I see.”

Finally they arrive at their hotel. They wash up and start to get ready for bed. When they get in the bed, they started to explore each other’s bodies.

The bride discovers her husband’s penis. “What is that?”

“That is my rope,” he answers.

She slides her hands up a little further and gasps, “What are those?”

“Those are my knots,” he answers.

Finally the couple begins to make love.

After several minutes the bride says, “Stop, honey, wait a minute!”

Her husband asks, “What’s the matter?”

The bride replies, “Undo those knots, I need more rope!”

Do you know the three stages of married sex?

When you get married, you have EVERYWHERE sex … you screw on the floor, on the dining table, in the tub …

After a couple of years, you have BEDROOM sex … it still gets pretty hot, but you only screw in bed…

After about five years, you have HALLWAY sex … that’s when you pass each other in the hallway and say, “Fuck you!”

A man was driving along the highway in Wyoming, when he noticed a beautiful white stallion standing proudly on a hill. All of his life the man dreamt of owning a horse like that, when suddenly he spotted the entrance to a ranch. The owner was outside mending a fence, so the man asked him, “Is that your horse?”

“Yes it is,” replied the rancher, “in fact I was thinking about selling him.”

Well the potential buyer got so excited he says, “Name your price, within reason of course.”

“Well,” says the rancher, “I want you to know that ain’t no ordinary horse.”

“What do you mean?” says the buyer.

“I’ll show you.” The rancher whistles and the horses ears pick up as he runs full gallop toward the two men. The owner says, “Better stand back and give him some room.”

The horse is at full gallop now approaching the two men. As the two men step aside the horse gallops full speed past them and runs head first into a barn that was behind the owner, knocking himself silly falling to the ground and breaking several boards on the barn’s exterior.

As the horse got up and shook it off, The buyer looked at the owner in amazement, “Is that horse blind? he asks.

“Nah, he ain’t blind, he just doesn’t give a shit.”