Jokes News

A couple met at Myrtle Beach and fell in love. They were discussing how they would continue their relationship after their vacations were over.

“It’s only fair to warn you, Linda,” he said. “I’m a golf nut. I live…eat…sleep…and breathe golf.”

“Well,…” Linda said, “Since you’re being honest, so will I. You see, I’m a hooker.”

“I see,” he said pensively. Then, he smiled and said…”It’s probably because you’re not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball.”

A lady who had already had several drinks, walks into a bar, slumps on the bar and asks the bartender for a “martoonie wid a pickle in it”. The bartender somewhat amused by her request, fixes her a martini and places an olive in it.

As soon as the bartender places the drink in front of the lady, she picks up the glass, downs the drink, slams the glass on the bar and says “Bartender, gimme anoder martoonie wid a pickle in it”.

The bartender, this time not so amused, fixes a martini with an olive in it and again places the drink on the bar in front of the woman. And as before, she picks up the glass and downs the drink.

She then puts the glass on the bar and says “bartender, gimmie anoder martoonie, but this time leave the pickle out, they give me heartburn”.

By this time the bartender has had enough of this customer and says to the lady, “First, it’s not a martoonie, it’s a martini. Second, it’s not a pickle that goes in the martini, it’s an olive. And lastly, the olives did not give you heartburn, your breast is in the ashtray”.

Two little boys live in a small town and whenever there’s trouble the local folks know these two boys done it. So finally the parents had enough and decided to talk to the preacher.

“Preacher, what can we do?” the mother asked.

The preacher asked to send him the youngest of the 2.

They did so. The preacher asked the young boy, “Where’s God?” The little boy didn’t know.

“One more time, boy, WHERES GOD?” Well the boy was so scared he ran out and to his brother.

“We are in big trouble!”

“That’s no big deal — we are always in trouble”

“No, this time God is missing and they think we did it!”

Why does the blonde keep empty beer bottles in her refrigerator?

They’re for her guests who don’t drink.

So a guy goes to Sydney where the Olympic competitors are trying out, and sees someone carrying a long pole.

“Are you a pole-vaulter?” the man asks.

“No, I’m German. But how did you know my name is Walter?!”

Two college football players named Bubba and Jed were taking an exam in English Literature. They must pass this exam in order to fulfill the academic requirement. If they fail, they would be dropped from the college varsity team for the whole season.

The exam was relatively easy as it consisted mainly of fill-in-the-blank type of answers. However, Bubba was stumped by one particular item. The statement read “Complete the nursery phrase … Ol’ MacDonald had a ______.” Trying as hard as he could, Bubba could not think of the answer. Seeing the professor was busy reading a book, Bubba took this opportunity to ask his teammate Jed.

“Pssst, Jed,” whispered Bubba. “What did Ol’ MacDonald have?”

“Gosh, Bubba, that’s easy!” said Jed. Looking to make sure the professor wasn’t looking, Jed said, “A farm! Bubba! That’s what Ol’ MacDonald had. Even babies know that!”

“Oh! Right!” nodded Bubba as though it was at the tip of his tongue. But as he proceeded to write down the answer, Bubba stopped to ask Jed again in a low voice.

“Hey, Jed! How do you spell farm?”

“Jeez, you’re so dumb, Bubba!” admonished Jed. “Every one knows farm is spelled ‘e-i-e-i-o’.”

You might be a redneck if… your only refrigerater is in your front yard!

A Boston preacher was completing a temperance sermon. With great enthusiasm he said, “If I had all the beer in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.”

With even greater enthusiasm he said, “And if I had all the wine in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.”

And then finally, he said, “And if I had all the pornography in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.” He sat down.

The song leader then stood very cautiously and announced with a smile, “For our closing song, let us sing Hymn # 365: ‘Shall We Gather at the River?’”

A Father is asked by his friend, “Has your son decided what he wants to be when he grows up?”

“Yes, he wants to be a garbage collector,” he replies.

To this his friend responds “Strange ambition to have for a career.”

“Well, he thinks that garbage collectors only work on Tuesdays!”

A little girl sits upon Santa’s lap and he asks her what she would like to have for Christmas. The little girl replies, “a G.I. Joe doll and a Barbie.”

Santa says, “doesn’t Ken come with Barbie?”

The little replies, “No, she comes with G.I. Joe, she only fakes it with Ken!”