Jokes News

Once there was these two guys, and they were walking along the sidewalk.

Then all of a sudden they come upon a whore house.

The first guy goes in, then a few minutes later he comes out and says, “You know what, my wife’s better.”

Then the second guy goes in, then when he comes out he says, “You know what your wife IS better!”

My girlfriend plays with herself so often I suffer from second hand stroking.

A man and his wife are out playing golf. They tee off and his drive goes to the right while her drive goes to the left. The wife finds her ball in a patch of buttercups.

She grabs a club and takes a mighty swing at the ball. She hits a beautiful second shot, but in the process she hacks the hell out of the buttercups. Suddenly a woman appears out of nowhere.

The mystery woman looks at the wife and says, “I’m Mother Nature and I don’t like the way you treated my buttercups. From now on, you won’t be able to stand the taste of butter. Each time you eat butter, you will become physically ill to the point of total nausea.”

The mystery woman then disappears as quickly as she appears. Shaken, the wife calls out to her husband, “Hey, where’s your ball?”

“It’s over here in the pussy willows.”

The wife screams back, “DON’T HIT THE BALL!!!! DON’T HIT THE BALL!!!!”

A Jew, an Italian, and a Polack all worked together at the same company. All three gentlemen knew each other well and spent much time talking at work.

They began noticing that their boss was leaving work early every day. After a while, the three men became irritated that the boss was leaving early while they had to stay a full eight hours.

One morning in the break room, they conspired together that if the boss left early again that afternoon, they would also leave right after he got out of the building.

Sure enough, the boss left that afternoon about 15 minutes early. Sticking to their agreement, all three men left and went home.

The Jew got home had a nice meal with his wife and went to bed early so he could get good rest for the next day at work. The Italian arrived home, greeted his family, and took his wife out for night on the town.

The Polack got home, went into his house and walked to his bedroom to change clothes. When he opened the door to his room, he saw his wife and his boss in bed together. He quietly and quickly shut the door and left the house until later.

The next day, the Jew and Italian were talking about their wonderful previous evenings when the Polack walked up to them. They started telling the Polack how great last night was. Then the Jew and the Italian said, “Hey, we ought to do this again today if the boss leaves early.” The Polack said, “I’m not doing it again. Last night I almost got caught!”

There was a perfect man who met a perfect woman. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.

One snowy, stormy, Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car (a Grand Caravan) along a winding road, when they noticed someone on the side of the road in distress.

Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help. There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering toys.

Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident. Who was the survivor?

(scroll down for the answer)

The PERFECT WOMAN. She’s the only one that really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man….
(Women stop reading here. Men keep scrolling down.)

So, if there was no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident. (By the way, if you’re a woman and you’re reading this… this brings up another point….woman never listen either….)

There was this family of 3 brothers named Somebody, Nobody, Everybody, and their cousin Crazy.

One night the four boys wanted to go out drinking at a bar. They all drank beer and were having fun. Everybody and Crazy had decided that they had all they wanted to drink.

On the other hand, Somebody and Nobody still wanted to drink even though they were already drunk. As they continued to drink they started to say bad things to one another and started to fight. Everybody saw this and told Crazy to call 911 while he tried to stop the fight.

When Crazy called the police station, an officer answer and said, “Police department, may I help you?”. Crazy said, “Please come to the bar a few blocks from the basketball court because there is a fight.”

The officer replied back, “Who is fighting and is there anyone injured?”

Crazy said to the officer, “Quick, hurry up Somebody is beating up Nobody and Everybody is going nuts.”

The officer replied back, “What! are you crazy?!”

Crazy replied back, “Yes, now hurry up!”

A college professor in an anatomy class asked his students to sketch a naked man. As the professor walked around the class checking the sketches, he noticed that a sexy, young blonde had sketched her man with an erect penis.

The professor commented, “Oh, no! I wanted it the other way.”

She replied, “WHAT other way?”

Q. How do you tell when your wife is dead?

A. Easy, the sex is the same but the dishes start piling up!

Last Saturday night to celebrate my birthday, my sister-in-law phoned a few of my friends and took me to a male strip club. I have to admit, some of these guys are quite attractive.

To get the evening moving, my sister-in-law Angela started waving a ten-dollar bill, and a male dancer came right up to us. She licked the bill and stuck it on his butt, and this guy started gyrating right in her face. My friend Jane was getting pretty turned on so she took out a fifty, licked it a slapped it on his other butt cheek.

Everyone was looking at me, waiting to see what I’d do.
I was really embarassed because all I had was my bank ATM card. I swiped it down his buttcrack, grabbed the sixty bucks and went home.

A list of actual English subtitles used in films made in Hong Kong:

1. I am damn unsatisfied to be killed in this way.

2. Fatty, you with your thick face have hurt my instep.

3. Gun wounds again?

4. Same old rules: no eyes, no groin.

5. A normal person wouldn’t steal pituitaries.

6. Damn, I’ll burn you into a BBQ chicken!

7. Take my advice, or I’ll spank you without pants.

8. Who gave you the nerve to get killed here?

9. Quiet or I’ll blow your throat up.

10. You always use violence. I should’ve ordered glutinous rice chicken.

11. I’ll fire aimlessly if you don’t come out!

12. You daring lousy guy.

13. Beat him out of recognizable shape!

14. I have been scared sh*tless too much lately.

15. I got knife scars more than the number of your leg’s hair!

16. Beware! Your bones are going to be disconnected.

17. The bullets inside are very hot. Why do I feel so cold?

And finally…

18. How can you use my intestines as a gift?