Jokes News

Your mama is so fat:
:When she hauls ass she has to make two trips.
:When she dances she makes the band skip.
:When she was diagnosed with the flesh eating disease the doctor gave her 13 years to live.
:She puts mayonnaise on aspirin. (<- clearly the winner)
: Her cereal bowl came with a lifeguard.
:When she goes to the zoo the elephants throw her peanuts.
: Her high school graduation picture was an aerial photograph.
:Her driver's license says "Picture continued on other side."
:She has to iron her pants on the driveway.
:The back of her neck looks like a pack of hot dogs.

Yo mama’s so fat, all the restaurants in town have signs that say: “Maximum Occupancy: 240 Patrons OR Yo Mama”
Yo mama’s so fat, when she ran away, they had to use all four sides of the milk carton.
Yo mama’s so fat, instead of Levis 501 jeans, she wears Levi’s 1002’s.
Yo mama’s so fat, when she gets in an elevator, it HAS to go down.
Yo mama’s so fat, she was born with a silver shovel in her mouth.
Yo mama’s so fat, she’s got smaller fat women orbiting around her.
Yo mama’s so fat, she could sell shade.
Yo mama’s so fat, when she crosses the street, cars look out for her.
Yo mama’s so fat, people jog around her for exercise.
Yo mama’s so fat, I ran around her twice and got lost.
Yo mama’s so fat, she gets runs in her jeans.
Yo mama’s so fat, her blood type is Ragu.
Yo mama’s so fat, when she goes to a restaurant, she doesn’t get a menu, she gets an estimate.
Yo mama’s so fat, if she got her shoes shined, she’d have to take his word for it!
Yo mama’s so fat, she has to put her belt on with a boomerang.
Yo mama’s so fat, she can’t even jump to a conclusion.
Yo mama’s so fat, she broke her leg and gravy dripped out.
Yo mama’s so fat, she went to the movies and sat next to everyone.

Smith goes to the doctor.

He has a string hanging out of his ass.

The doctor says that this is most unusual. “I don’t know what to make of it. I have no diagnosis. Perhaps we should just pull the string and see what happens.”

The learned doctor proceeded to pull the string. He pulled and pulled, and out came a dozen long-stemmed American Beauty roses.

“My God,” proclaimed the doctor, “I’ve never seen that before. Where do you suppose they came from?”

Smith replied, “I don’t know. Is there a card?”

A group of novitiates had been in monastery surroundings for a year and a half were allowed a trip to visit an associate brotherhood in the city of Pittsburg. They went to the train station, but upon arrival were nervous by the prospect of approaching the very busty ticket clerk wearing a lowcut blouse.

After exchanging uneasy glances, the bravest of the bunch stepped forward and said: “I’d like five tits to Pittsburg.” Realizing what he had said, he blushed furiously and retreated.

A second novitiate stepped up to the window, and after clearing his throat said: “I’d like five TICKets to Tittsburg, please.” Appalled by his mistake, he too turned away.

A third member of the group stepped forward, and enunciating very carefully said: “I’d like five tickets to Pittsburg, please. And give me the change in nipples and dimes.” Aghast, he slinked away.

Finally, the brother in charge of seeing them off stepped to the window to sternly reprimand the woman for her suggestive clothing. “Young lady, I’m certain that in Heaven at this moment, St. Finger is shaking his peter at you!”

Question:
Why did the blonde get fired from the M & M factory?

Answer:
Because the blonde kept throwing out all the W’s.

Little Johnny’s father just comes home from a long business trip. He finds Little Johnny riding a very fancy new 10-speed bike. He asks Little Johnny, “Where did you get the money for the bike? It must have cost $300.”

“Easy, Dad…,” Little Johnny replies. “I earned it from hiking.”

“Come on,” his father says. “Tell me the truth.”

“That is the truth,” insists Little Johnny. “Every night you were gone, Mr. Reynolds from the grocery store would come over to see Mom. He’d give me a $20 bill and tell me to take a hike.”

While my parents were painting their bedroom, my five-year-old sister walked in and asked, “What the hell are you doing?”

Not realizing what she had said, she casually turned and walked out.

After she left, my stunned dad then turned to my mother and asked, “Where the hell did she learn to talk like that?”

What did the Zen Buddist Monk say to the pizza chef?

“Make me one with everything”

A little girl was playing with her little boyfriend one day when the little boy said, “Hey, if you lift up your dress and show me what you have, I will buy you an ice cream cone.”

The little girl thought, “No big deal,” and said okay. He bought her the ice cream, and indeed she lifted and he looked.

Quite satisfied, the next day the same little boy approached her with the same proposition, and again she accepted.

This went on for three days.

Finally after the little boy had his look, the little girl took the ice cream, walked over to the bushes, sat down to eat her ice cream.

All of a sudden she pulled her dress up and looked down and said, “You ole money maker you, if you had teeth, I would give you a bite.”

Concerned about her relationship, a woman approaches her doctor and says, “Doc, I’m getting married this weekend and my fiancee thinks I’m a virgin.

Is there anything you can do to help me?”

The doctor says, “Medically, no, but here’s something you can try. On the wedding night, when you’re getting ready for bed, take an elastic band and slide it to your upper thigh. When your husband puts it in, snap the elastic band and tell him it’s your virginity snapping.”

The woman loves this idea and knows her hubby to be will fall for this.

They have a beautiful wedding and retire to the honeymoon suite. The wife gets ready for bed in the bathroom, slips the elastic band up her leg, finishes preparing and climbs into bed with her man.

Things begin to progress, her hubby “slips it in” and she snaps the elastic band. The hubby asks, “What the heck was that?

The wife explains, “Oh nothing honey, that was just my virginity snapping.”

The husband cries out, “Well snap it again, it’s got my balls!”

A man with a bad stomachache goes to his doctor and asks him what he can do.

The doctor replies that the illness is quite serious, but can be cured by inserting a suppository up his anal passage. The man agrees, so the Doctor warns him of the pain, tells him to bend over and shoves the thing way up his behind. The doctor then hands him a second dose and tells him to do the same thing in six hours. So the man goes home and later that evening he tries to get the second suppository inserted, but finds that he cannot reach far enough to obtain the required depth. He then calls his wife
in and tells her what to do.

The wife nods, puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him and with the other shoves the medicine home.

Suddenly her husband screams, “arrgghhh!”

“What’s the matter? Asks the wife, “did I hurt you?”

“No,” replies her husband, ” but I just realized that when the doctor did that, he had both hands on my shoulders.”