Jokes News

People are more violently opposed to fur than to leather because it’s safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.

Under Democrats, man exploits man. Under Republicans, it’s just the reverse.

Today is the last day of your life, so far.

There was a Blonde and a Brunette talking one day. The Brunette asks the Blonde “After you have sex, do you smoke?”

The Blonde says, “I don’t know, I never looked down there.”

Why was the women crossing the road?

Sod crossing the road, what was she doing out of the kitchen.

Why can’t women drive?

There’s no road between the kitchen and the bedroom.

Why do women have small feet?

So they can get closer to the cooker.

Q:What do you call a blonde skeleton in a closet?

A:Last years hide-n-seek winner!

A man was driving down the highway and he saw a sheep with his head stuck in the fence.

So the guy got out of the car and started humping the sheep. Another guy came along and said, “Can I have some of that?”

The first guy said, “You’ll have to wait until I’m done.”

Then the second guy said, “Do I have to stick my head in the fence, too?”

Maw is outside the house hanging up the laundry, when she hears Paw in the kitchen.

Maw walks in and says, “Paw, get out there and fix that there outhouse.”

He says, “All right, Maw.”

He walks out to the outhouse, looks at it, and says, Maw, there ain’t nothin’ wrong with this here outhouse!”

Maw says, “Yes, there is. Put your head down in the hole.”

He puts his head down in the hole, and he says, “Maw, there ain’t nothin’ wrong with this here outhouse!”

He goes to lift up his head, and he says, “Oww! OWWWW! Maw! MAW! My beard’s stuck!”

She says, “Aggravatin’, ain’t it?”

There was a couple that had been married for twenty-five years, and their sex life had gotten extremely boring. So one day they met a Martian couple and decided to change partners.

The human woman left with the Martian man and as they were having sex he asked, “How is it?”

“It’s nice, but I wish you were longer!” she said.
“No problem, all you need to do is yank on my ear until it is the length you would like it to be!”

So she yanked his ear. “How is it now?”

“Great!” she said. “But I wish it were a little thicker!”
“No problem, all you have to do is pat my head until it reaches the width you like!”
So she patted his head.

The next morning the wife was ecstatic when she met up with her husband. She exclaimed while trembling, “I just experienced the most incredible orgasm of my life!!!…How was your night?”

He exclaimed, “That Fucking Bitch kept slapping me on my head and yanking my ears!!!”

An old lady went to her doctor because she was concerned about some lumps she had found under her breasts.

The doctor gave her a thorough examination and told her, “Ma’am I have some good news and some bad news.” She said the she would like the good news first.

The doctor said, “The lumps under your breast aren’t cancerous.” The old lady asked what the bad news was.

The Doctor replied, “The lumps under you breasts are your feet.”

Two high school sweethearts who went out together for four years in high school were both virgins; they enjoyed losing their virginity to each other in 10th grade. When they graduated, they wanted both to go to the same college but, the girl was accepted to a college on the East Coast, and the guy went to a college on the West Coast. They agreed to be faithful to each other and to spend anytime they could together.

As time went on, the guy would call the girl and she would never be home, and when he wrote, she would take weeks to return the letters. Even when he emailed her, she took days to return his messages.

Finally, she confessed to him that she wanted to date around. He didn’t take this very well and increased his calls, letters, and emails trying to win back her love. She soon became very annoyed with his persistence and now with a new boyfriend, she wanted to get him off her back.

Annoyed by his persistence, she took a Polaroid picture of her sucking her new boyfriend’s unmentionables and sent it to her old boyfriend with a note reading, “I found a new boyfriend, leave me alone!”

Well, needless to say, this guy was heartbroken but, even more so, he was pissed. Then he thought of a way to get revenge.

He wrote on the back of the photo the following, “Dear Mom and Dad, having a great time at college, please send more money!” and mailed the picture to her parents.