Jokes News

Bill, Michael and their blonde friend, Stacy, were in the pub enjoying a few quiet drinks one night, when they decided to get in on the weekly raffle. The bought five $1 tickets each, seeing it was for charity.

The following week, when the raffle was drawn, they each won a prize. Bill won the first prize: a whole year’s supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce. Michael won the second prize: a six month’s supply of gourmet spaghetti. Stacy won the sixth prize: a toilet brush.

When they met in the pub a week later, Stacy asked the others how they were enjoying their prizes.

“Great!” said Michael. “I love spaghetti.”

“So do I,” said Brian. “And how’s the toilet brush working, Stacy?”

“Not so good,” Stacy confided. “I’m going to have to go back to paper.”

Q: What did the blonde say when the docotor told her that she was pregnant?

A: Is it mine?
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Q: Why did the blonde have tire marks across her back?

A: Because the sign said “Don’t Walk”
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Q: How do you kill a blonde?

A: Put a scratch-n-sniff sticker on the bottom of a pool.
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Q: Why did the blonde’s belly button hurt?

A: ‘Cause her boyfriends were all blondes too.
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Q: How would you kill an under-water submarine full of blondes?

A: Knock on the door.
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Q: How did the man get the blonde to trade her first-class plane ticket for his coach?

A: He told her that only the back part of the plane is going to Jamaica.
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Q: What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you?

A: Pull the pin and throw it back.
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Q: What is a blonde’s favorite surgery?

A: Slipadicktome
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Q: why did the Blonde return home from Disneyland right before she got there?

A: Because she saw a sign that said “Disneyland left<-”
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Q: What did the blonde say when I asked her if she believes in smoking?

A: Yes, I’ve seen it done.

A guy goes to see a psychiatrist. He says, “Doc, I think I’m hung up on women’s breasts.”

The psychiatrist says, “We’ll see. I’ll give you a quick word association test. I’ll say something, and then you say the first thing that comes into your mind. Shall we begin?”

The guy nods his head.

The doctor says, “Eggs.”

The guy says, “Boobs.”

The doctor says, “Orange.”

The guy says, “Hooters.”

The doctor says, “Grapefruit.”

The guy says, “Jugs.”

The doctor says, “Windshield wipers.”

The guy says, “Knockers.”

The psychiatrist says, “It’s very obvious you have a problem. I mean, I can understand the eggs, an orange, or even a grapefruit, but why would windshield wipers make you think of breasts?”

The guy says, “Are you kidding, Doc? …..First this one, then that one, then this one, then that one…”

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his throat to the crowd of drinkers. He says, “I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I’ll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.” The room is quiet, and no one takes up the Texan’s offer.

One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. “Is your bet still good?” asks the Irishman.

The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.

The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, “If ya don’t mind me askin’, where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?”

The Irishman replies, “Oh… I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first.

There were two men who had gone to the same college and had become great friends. During college, they had a great time together. They were always right in the middle of anything happening.

When they graduated, however, they each went their own separate ways. Two or three years later, they ran into one another on the street. They were very happy to see each other. During the conversation, one of them asked the other what he was doing for work.

“I’m an undertaker,” responded the friend.

“What? That doesn’t sound like you! During college, you were always the one looking for excitement.”

“There is plenty of excitement in this racket,” explained the friend. “Just the other day, I got a call to pick up this stiff in a hotel room. When I entered the room, he was lying there on the bed. He was stark naked with a huge erection. I didn’t want to take him out like that, so I took a hanger from the closet and gave it a good swat. You want to talk about excitement? I was in the wrong room!”

Trial date:
3 pigs are brought before a judge, and are sworn in.
The judge asks the first pig…
“Why are you in trouble?”
The first pig replies,
“I was just blowing bubbles in the mud.”
He asks the second pig..
“Why are you in trouble?”
The second pig replies,
“I was just blowing bubbles in the mud.”
Finally, he asks the third pig…
“Why are you in trouble?”
And the third pig replies….
“Well, I’m Bubbles!”

A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads:
Hamburger: $1
Cheeseburger: $2
Handjob: $10

He beckons to an attractive blonde behind the counter.

“Can I help you?” she asks with a knowing smile.

“I was wondering,” whispers the man. ” Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?”

“Yes,” she purrs suductively. “I am.”

“Well, wash your hands,” he says. I want a fucking cheeseburger.”

How To Shower Like A Woman:

1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.

2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and rush to the bathroom.

3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your gut so you can complain and whine even more about how you’re getting fat.

4. Get in the shower. Look for facecloth, armcloth, legcloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.

5. Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins. Rinse thoroughly.

6. Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins. Rinse thoroughly.

7. Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for fifteen minutes.

8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red raw.

9. Wash rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.

10. Rinse conditioner off hair; this takes at least fifteen minutes, as you must make sure that it has all come off.

11. Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving completely for bikini, but decide to get it waxed instead.

12. Scream loudly when your boyfriend/husband flushes the toilet and you lose the water pressure.

13. Turn off shower.

14. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.

15. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small African country. Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.

16. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit. Attack with nails, or tweezers if available.

17. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.

18. If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and then rush to bedroom to spend an hour and a half getting dressed.

How To Shower Like A Man:

1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.

2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your girlfriend/wife along the way, flash her making the “woo” sound.

3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs (no). Admire the size of your wiener in the mirror, scratch your balls and smell your fingers for one last whiff.

4. Get in the shower.

5. Don’t bother to look for a washcloth; you don’t use one.

6. Wash your face.

7. Wash your armpits.

8. Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.

9. Wash your privates and surrounding area.

10. Wash your ass, leaving hair on the soap bar.

11. Shampoo your hair; do not use conditioner.

12. Make a shampoo Mohawk.

13. Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror — again.

14. Pee in the shower.

15. Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hanging out of the tub the whole time, as usual.

16. Dry off the minimal amount of flesh needed so as not to drip too much.

17. Look at yourself in the mirror — again; flex muscles — again; admire wiener size — again.

18. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.

19. Leave bathroom fan and light on.

20. Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your girlfriend/wife, pull off the towel, grab your wiener, go “Yeah baby” and thrust your pelvis at her.

21. Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to get dressed.

Job Applicant: “I’m looking for a job as a consultant.”

Employer: “I’m sorry, we already have enough cosultants.”

Applicant: “That’s ok, with my experience, I can be an advisor.”

Employer: “More than we can use already.”

Applicant: As he is getting desperate, “I’m not proud, I can do paperwork, I’ll be a clerk, If you have too many, I’ll start as a janitor.”

Employer: “It just doesn’t seem that we have any openings for a person with your qualifications.”

Applicant: As he stands up and angrily yells, “work for you I’d have to be a low life, belly crawling, double dealing jerk!”

Employer: “Well, you didn’t say you were an attorney, have a seat, we may have an opening.”

A professor asked a student to remain after class one day. Holding out the young man’s assignment, the professor said, “Did you write this poem all by yourself?”

The student said, “Yes, every word of it.”

The professor said, “Well, then, I’m delighted to meet you, Mr. Poe. I had heard this rumor that you were long dead!”