Jokes News

Yo mama is so fat she went outside and jumped up and got stuck.

Yo mama is so poor, you and your family had a block of ice shaped like a turkey for thankgiving, talking bout “who wants to carve the ice ?”

I make your mama feel so low that she could play raquetball against the curb.

This bloke comes in to a pub in the Northern Territory (Australia) with a four-meter salt-water crocodile on a steel chain. Naturally, the patrons are shit scared and jump up on what ever they can find. The publican comes over and says “Get that thing out of here!” The bloke replies “I can’t, he’s my pet!” The publican says, “Well tie him up outside!” The bloke says, “No way, he’ll get lonely! And besides he safe.”

“Safe?” say the publican, “Prove it!”

So the bloke undoes his fly and puts his dick in the crocodile’s mouth and proceeds to hit the crocodile on the head with a glass ashtray. The crocodile does not move. The bloke says “So are you satisfied?” The publican says “That’s you mate, you own him, what about my customers?” The bloke says “Anyone else want to try this?” To which an old Sheila replies, “I will, love, so long as you don’t hit me so hard with the ashtray!”

A young man visiting a dude ranch wanted to be “Macho,” and went out walking with one of the hired hands. Walking through the barnyard, the visitor tried starting a conversation:

“Say, look at that bunch of cows.”

The hired hand replied, “Not ‘bunch,’ but ‘herd.’”

“Heard what?”

“Herd of cows.”

“Sure, I’ve heard of cows. There’s a big bunch of ‘em right over there.”

A man calls his wife and says to her, “Honey, I just got the chance of a lifetime to go on a week-long fishing trip with my boss. Could you pack up my things so that they will be ready when I get home?”

“Sure, honey,” his wife answers.

“Oh, and could you please pack my blue silk pajamas?”

“Sure, honey,” his wife answers again.

The man comes home, picks up his things and takes off for the week. He returns a week later, smiling. His wife greets him at the front door.

“So honey, how was your fishing trip?”

“It was great…” the husband answers. “But you forgot to pack my blue silk pajamas.”

“No I didn’t,” said his wife. “They were in your tacklebox.”

by Homer J. Simpson

Do…the stuff that buys me beer
Re…the guy who sells me beer
Me…the guys who drinks the beer
Far…a long way to get beer
So…I’ll have another beer
La…I’ll have another beer
Tea…no thanks, I’m drinking beer

That will bring us back to…
(Looks into an empty bottle of beer..)
D’OH!!

The teacher advised the class that they start each day with the pledge of allegiance and instructed them to put their right hand over their hearts and repeat after her.

As she starts the recitation, she looks around the room, “I pledge allegiance to the flag . . .” When her eyes fell on Johnny, she found he had his hand over the right cheek of his buttocks.

“Johnny, I will not continue until you put your hand over your heart.”

Johnny replied, “But it IS over my heart.”

After several attempts to get Johnny to put his hand over his heart, the teacher asked, “Why do you think that is your heart?”

“Because every time my Grandma comes to visit, she picks me up and pats me here and says, ‘Bless your little heart,” and my Grandma wouldn’t lie!”

An eskimo is having trouble with his snowmobile, so he takes it to the shop. The mechanic tells him to stop by later for the estimate.

Later that day, the eskimo returns and asks the mechanic, “What seems to be the trouble?”

The mechanic says, “Well, it looks like you blew a seal.”

The eskimo wipes his mouth vigorously and says, “No,no, I was just eating some ice cream, honest.”

A man went into the drug store for a packet of condoms. The assistant said “Have you seen these? They’re new, in honor of the Olympics.”

“No,” replied the man, “What are they?”

The assistant showed him a pack of 3 condoms, one gold, one silver and one bronze.

Thinking they might be fun, the man bought a pack and trotted home. That night he and his wife decided on an early night.

“What colour shall we try, dear? Gold?”

“No,” replied his wife. “Let’s try the silver one.”

“Why silver?” asked her hubby.

“I thought it might be nice if you came second for a change!”

3 vampires walk into a bar.
The first vampire orders a glass of warm blood. So the bartender puts a glass of blood in the microwave then gives it to him.

The second vampire orders a glass of cold blood. So the bartender puts two ice cubes into the blood and gives it to him.

The third vampire orders a glass of boiling water.
“Don’t vampires only drink blood” the bartender says.
The vampire pulls a tampon out of his pocket and says ” Tea time!”