Jokes News

This man goes to a wizard and says, “All powerful wizard, can you help me?”

The wizard says, “Help you with what?”

The man says, “I had an evil curse put on me 20 years ago and I wanted you to dispel the curse.”

The wizard pauses for a moment and says, “I can help you if you tell me the exact words used to put the curse on you.”

Thinking long, the man said, “It’s hard to remember cause it’s been 20 years, oh yes I remember…. The words were I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU MAN AND WIFE!!!!!!!”

As is the case in many high schools, female students sometimes get jobs in the school, when not in classes. At one particular high school, a gal was a part-time secretary for the football coach, as part of an on-the-job training program.

One day, the quarterback of the team showed up at the office, without an appointment, to see the coach. The female student asked, “Why do you want to see the coach, without making an appointment? Is this some kind of emergency?”

The quarterback said, “No, but I have this highly personal problem, and I simply must discuss it with him, immediately.”

“Well, you tell me what it is, and I’ll see what I can do to help you,” she replied, as she smiled at him. All the gals in the high school knew what a “catch” he was.

The quarterback blushed a deep red color in his cheeks and said, “Well, I seem to be troubled by this huge, constant erection, which simply won’t go away, no matter what I do, and I’m getting a little scared. I need to ask the coach what I should do about it.”

The co-ed behind the desk saw the large bulge in the guy’s pants, but pretended not to notice. She smiled at him and said, “Well, the coach is pretty busy today with his scheduled appointments, but if you don’t mind waiting, I’ll try to squeeze you in.”

Q: What kind of meat can Priests eat on Fridays?

A: Nun

December 8:
6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses print. So romantic, we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9:
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I’ve ever had.

December 10:
Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.

December 12:
The sun melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we’ll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we’ll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I’ll never want to see snow again. I don’t think that’s possible. Bob is such a nice man, I’m glad he’s our neighbor.

December 14:
Snow lovely snow! 8″ last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn’t realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I’ll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn’t huff and puff so.

December 15:
20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4X4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife’s car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that’s silly. We aren’t in Alaska, after all.

December 16:
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway, putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think is very cruel.

December 17:
Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should’ve bought a wood stove, but won’t admit it to her. I hate it when she’s right. I can’t believe I’m freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20:
Electricity is back on, but had another 14″ of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Damn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they say they’re too busy playing hockey. I think they’re lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they’re out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they’re lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he’s lying.

December 22:
Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white shit fell today, and its so cold it won’t probably melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and got dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but says he’s too busy. I think the asshole is lying.

December 23:
Only 2″ of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What, is she nuts? Why didn’t she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she’s lying.

December 24:
6″. Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch that son of a bitch who drives that snowplow, I’ll drag him through the snow by his balls. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles per hour and throws snow all over where I’ve just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was busy watching for the God-damned snowplow.

December 25:
Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the fuckin’ slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she’s an idiot. If I have to watch “It’s a Wonderful Life” one more time, I’m going to kill her.

December 26:
Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She’s really getting on my nerves.

December 27:
Temperature dropped to -50 and the pipes froze.

December 28:
Warmed up to above -30. Still snowed in. THE BITCH is driving me crazy!

December 29:
10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it will cave in. That’s the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30:
Roof caved in. The snowplow driver is suing me for a million dollars for the bump on his head. The wife went home to mother. 9″ predicted.

December 31:
Set fire to what’s left of the house. No more shoveling.

January 8:
I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me, but why am I tied to this bed?

Boss, to four of his employees: “I’m really sorry, but I’m going to have to let one of you go.”

Black Employee: “I’m a protected minority.”

Female Employee: “And I’m a woman.”

Oldest Employee: “Fire me, buster, and I’ll hit you with an age discrimination suit so fast it’ll make your head spin.”

…To which they all turn to look at the helpless young, white, male employee, who thinks a moment, then responds:
“I think I might be gay…”

At one local church, Joe was in charge of taking up the offerings. One Sunday after the services, the priest counted the cash and found it was smaller than anticipated. So he questioned Joe. He told him that it did not seem enough for the size of the congregation.

Joe said that he did not take any of the offering.

The priest again questioned him, and again he denied taking any of the offering.

So the priest said, “Get into the confessional.” Joe did this. The priest then asked him, “Did you take any of the offering?”

Joe said, “I can’t hear you.”

Again the priest asked more distinctly, “Joe, did you take any of the offering?”

Again, Joe answered, “I can’t hear you.”

This time the priest yelled, “JOE, DID YOU TAKE ANY OF THE OFFERING?”

Again, Joe answered, “I can’t hear you.”

By this time, the priest was getting a little angry so he came out of the confessional and said, “Joe, trade places with me, and you ask me a question and let me check this out.”

So they traded places and Joe asked, “I hear that you and my wife are having an affair. Is this true?”

The priest answered, “By Golly, you really CAN’T hear in here!”

Listening one day to my friend speak of the painful DIVORCE that he and his wife are going through and the custody battle over the children. I told him, “That must be one of the hardest decisions to make. My wife and I will never have that problem.”

“Why is that?” he asked.

“Because we will never get divorced.”

“How do you know?”

“Because neither one of us wants custody of the kids.”

Q: What’s the difference between a golfer and a skydiver?

A: A golfer goes: Whack! DAMMIT!
A skydiver goes: DAMMIT! Whack!