Jokes News

A young boy comes home with a big smile on his face. His father asks him what he has been doing. His son replies, “Ive just had sex properly for the first time,.” Over joyed, the father says to his son, “Go to the fridge and get two beers so as we can sit down together and talk as men.” “The beer sounds great dad.” says the son, ” But sitting down is impossible because my ass is killing me.”

Q: how do you circumsize a whale?

A: You need four skin divers

My husband’s job as theater manager puts him in daily contact with mischievous and runaway children. So, during the holiday rush when a boisterous two-year-old sped by us in a crowded department store, his arm reached down and automatically fielded the child. He led the tot back to his mother, who, instead of being grateful, gave my husband a look of utter disgust.

“Look, wise guy,” she said, acidly, “did you have to catch him so fast?”

A new kid at school was known to be an outstanding athlete. He knew nothing about football, however. The coach at the high school desired to recruit him for the football team.

He approaches the kid with a football in hand and says, “This is a football. Do you think you can pass it?”

“Yes,” the young boy replies. “I think I can pass it. If I can swallow it, I think I should be able to pass it.”

Q: How do farmers count cows?

A: On a cowculator.

A little boy gets on a bus and sits behind the bus driver. As they’re driving along, the boy sings, “If my daddy was a bull and my mommy was a cow, then I’d be a little bull.” Annoyed, the bus driver tells the little boy to sit down, but the little boy continues, “If my daddy was a stag and my mommy was a deer, I’d be a little stag.” The bus driver tells the boy to shut up, but the little boy keeps singing, “If my daddy…” The bus driver suddenly turns around and asks, “What if your daddy was gay and your mommy was a hooker?” The little boy then begins singing, “If my daddy was gay and my mommy was a hooker, then I’d be a bus driver.”

Sue and Sally meet at their 30th class reunion, and they
haven’t seen each other since graduation.

They begin to talk and bring each other up to date. The conversation covers their husbands, their children, homes, etc and finally gets around to their sex lives.

Sue says, “It’s OK. We get it on every week or so but it’s no big adventure, how’s yours?”

Sally replies, “It’s great ever since we got into S&M.”

Sue is aghast. “Really Sally, I never would have guessed that you would go for that.”

“Oh, sure,” says Sally, “He Snores while I Masturbate.”

Paul got off the elevator on the 40th floor and nervously knocked on his blind date’s door. She opened it and was as beautiful and charming as everyone had said.

“I’ll be ready in a few minutes,” she said. “Why don’t you play with my dog Rollo while you are waiting? He does wonderful tricks. He rolls over, shakes hands and sits up, and if you make a hoop with your arms, he’ll jump through.”

The dog followed Paul onto the balcony and started rolling over. Paul made a hoop with his arms and Rollo jumped through and over the rail of the balcony. Just then, Paul’s date walked out.

“Isn’t Rollo the cutest, happiest dog you’ve ever seen?” she gushed.

Paul panicked. “To tell the truth,” he said, “he seemed a little depressed to me.”

My friend’s sister was to be married on short notice, but still wanted an elaborate wedding.

The invitations were ready to be mailed when someone noticed that there were no inserted cards inviting guests to the reception.

Undaunted, the mother of the bride typed up a note, made 280 copies and enclosed one with each formal invitation.

Family and friends were a bit shocked to read: “Conception immediately following the ceremony in the Grand Ballroom of the Holiday Inn. Everyone is invited.”