Jokes News

What is a blondes favorite surgery?
SLIPADICTOME

What is the difference between a mosquito and a blonde?
When you smack the mosquito, it stops sucking.

What is the difference between a male blonde and a female blonde?
A female blonde has a higher sperm count!

What do you call a dead blonde in a closet?
The 1984 hide and seek Champion!!!

A college physics professor was explaining a particularly complicated concept to his class when a pre-med student interrupted him.

“Why do we have to learn this stuff for a medical degree?” the young man blurted out.

“To save lives,” the professor replied before continuing the lecture.

In a few minutes, the student spoke up again. “So how does physics save lives?”

The professor stared at the student for a long time. “Physics saves lives,” he said, “because it keeps the idiots out of medical school.”

Q.What’s the difference between a woman’s most erogenous zone and a golf ball?

A. A man will look for the ball.

TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
FROM: Human Resources

It has been brought to Management’s attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.

We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers. Therefore, a list of preferred new phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without risk of offending our more sensitive employees.

SO…

TRY SAYING
Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF
When the fuck do you expect me to do this?

TRY SAYING
I’m certain that this is not feasible.
INSTEAD OF
No fucking way!!

TRY SAYING
Really?
INSTEAD OF
You’ve got to be shitting me.

TRY SAYING
Perhaps you should check with…
INSTEAD OF
Tell someone who gives a shit.

TRY SAYING
Of course I’m concerned.
INSTEAD OF
Ask me if I give a shit.

TRY SAYING
I wasn’t involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF
It’s not my fucking problem.

TRY SAYING
That’s interesting.
INSTEAD OF
What the fuck?!?!

TRY SAYING
I’m not sure I can implement this.
INSTEAD OF
Fuck it, it won’t work.

TRY SAYING
I’ll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF
Why the hell didn’t you tell me sooner?

TRY SAYING
Are you sure this is a problem?
INSTEAD OF
Who the fuck cares?

TRY SAYING
He’s not familiar with the problem.
INSTEAD OF
He’s got his head up his ass.

TRY SAYING
Excuse me sir?
INSTEAD OF
Eat shit and die motherfucker.

TRY SAYING
So you weren’t happy with it?
INSTEAD OF
Kiss my ass.

TRY SAYING
I’m a bit overloaded at this moment.
INSTEAD OF
Fuck it, I’m on salary.

TRY SAYING
I don’t think you understand.
INSTEAD OF
Shove it up your ass.

TRY SAYING
I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF
This job sucks.

TRY SAYING
You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF
Who the hell died and made you boss?

TRY SAYING
I see.
INSTEAD OF
Blow me.

TRY SAYING
Yes, we really should discuss it.
INSTEAD OF
Another fucking meeting!!!

TRY SAYING
I don’t think this will be a problem.
INSTEAD OF
I really don’t give a shit.

TRY SAYING
He’s somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF
He’s a fucking prick.

TRY SAYING
She’s an aggressive go getter.
INSTEAD OF
She’s a ball busting bitch.

What is the difference between a peacup and a teacup.
An englishman drinks out of a teacup
A mexican drives a peacup.

One day a guy was walking along when he’s hit by a car.
He falls to the ground, instantly dead.

This guy not being a model citizen by any standards doesn’t even appear before the Pearly Gates but goes straight to hell.

He arrives there and finds himself staring at a Marijauna field which stretches for miles and plant is the size of a tree with leaves the size of his head.

Right next to him he finds about 5000 industrial size rolls of cigarette paper.

He shot off, grabbed some paper, a few hundred leaves and made himself a joint as wide as his waist and as long as his arm.

He then goes up to the devil himself who’s looking really depressed and asks him for a light.

The devil said, “Man, if I had a light this would be heaven.”

The tapes of Monica Lewinsky and Linda Tripp were released, for the first time revealing Monica’s girlish voice. Upon hearing the tapes, President Bill Clinton was heard to exclaim:

“So that’s what she sounds like.”

A surgeon went to check on his famous patient after an operation.

She was awake, so he examined her. “You’ll be fine.” he said.

She asked. “How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?”

The surgeon seemed to pause which alarmed the girl.

“What’s the matter Doctor? I will be alright won’t I?”

He replied, “Yes you’ll be fine, Miss Lewinsky. It’s just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out.

how do all intellegent women start a sentence?

“a man once told me..”