Jokes News

Two little boys, both aged nine, were set to appear in their first play. The first boy had to say, “Ah fair maiden, I’ve come to snatch a kiss and fill your soul with hope.” The second little boy was to say, “Hark, a pistol shot.”

On opening night, the two boys were very nervous. It was their first time on stage and their parents were in the front row. The first little boy came out and said, “Ah fair maiden, I’ve come to kiss your snatch and fill your hole with soap.”

The second little boy was so shook up after the first kid goofed that when he came out he said, “Hark! A pistol shit! A shishtel pit! Cow shit!! Bull shit!! I didn’t want to be in this damned play anyway!”

Q:Where is an elephant’s sex organ?

A:In his feet. If he steps on you, you’re fucked!

An old man, Mr. Goldstein, was living the last of his life in a nursing home. One day he appeared to be very sad, and Nurse Tracy asked if there was anything wrong.

“Yes, Nurse Tracy,” said old Mr. Goldstein, “My penis died today.”

Knowing her patients were forgetful and sometimes a little crazy, she replied, “Oh, I’m so sorry, Mr. Goldstein, please accept my condolences.”

The following day, Mr. Goldstein was walking down the hall with his penis hanging out of his pajamas, when he met Nurse Tracy. “Mr. Goldstein,” she said, “I thought you told me your penis had died.”

“It did,” he replied. “Today’s the viewing.”

“Dad,” said the boy, “we had a spelling contest in school today, and I missed on the very first word.”

“That’s too bad, Son,” consoled the father. “What was the word?”

“Posse.”

“Well, no wonder you couldn’t spell it, Lunkhead. You can’t even pronounce it correctly!”

The modest young lass had just purchased some lingerie and asked if she might have the sentence, “If you can read this you’re too damn close!” embroidered on her panties and bra.

“Yes madame,” said the helpful clerk. “I’m quite certian
that could be done. Would you prefer block or script letters?”

“Braille,” she replied.

The new Halloween costume is Monica Lewinsky. It comes with a blue dress, mayonnaise, a cigar, a beret, and the official White House kneepads.

Why is a pap-smear called a pap-smear?

Because if it were called a cunt-scrape, no-one would get one!

Q: What do you get when you cross a penis and a potato?

A: A dictator!

Top Ten Signs Your Grandparents Are Still Sexually Active

10. Pair of edible Depends found on bedroom floor.

9. Lately, at night, they put their teeth in the same glass.

8. Grandpa grabs his crotch and complains loudly of “denture-burn.”

7. Granny found cuffed to her walker.

6. Not only do you hear the bed squeaking, but also joints.

5. Grandma regularly looks at Grandpa’s crotch and claps twice.

4. Your “Grandma” is Anna Nicole Smith.

3. You’ve just seen the photos in the “Beaver Hunt” section of the May issue of Hustler.

2. Grandmother starts baking Viagra-chip cookies.

and the Number One Sign Your Gramdparents are still sexually active…..

1. Kraft-matic adjustable bed set for “doggy style.”