Jokes News

Fidel dies and goes to heaven. When he gets there, St. Peter tells him that he is not on the list and that no way, no how, does he belong in Heaven. Fidel must go to Hell.

So Fidel goes to hell where Satan gives him a hearty welcome and tells him to make himself at home.

Then Fidel notices that he left his luggage in Heaven and tells Satan, who says, “No hay problema. I’ll send a couple of little devils to get your stuff.”

When the little devils get to Heaven, they find the gates are locked–St. Peter is having lunch–and they start debating what to do. Finally, one comes up with the idea that they should go over the wall and get the luggage. As they are climbing the wall, two little angels see them, and one angel says to the other.

“My God! Fidel has been in hell no more than ten minutes, and we’re already getting refugees!”

Ol’ Fred had been a religious man who was in the hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them.

As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol’ Fred’s condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on.

The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol’ Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died.

The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.

At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realized that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol’ Fred died.

He said, “You know, Ol’ Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven’t looked at it, but knowing Fred, I’m sure there’s a word of inspiration there for us all.”

He opened the note, and read, “Hey, you’re standing on my oxygen tube!”

The “I Love You” virus that infects users of Microsoft’s outlook has morphed. Watch for these variations:

- The “I love you, too” virus -
Responds with an appropriate letter stating that the user loves you as well. Spreads peace and harmony throughout the corporate workplace, causing lost productivity and chaos on Wall Street as no one tries to screw anyone else out of a deal.

- The “I’m looking for more of a commitment” virus -
Receives the “I love you” virus email and immediately schedules a recurring event called “hold for my sweetie” for Friday and Saturdays into your calendar and the calendar of the person who sent the mail, registers you for a year of pre-paid videos at Blockbuster.com, and deletes any appointments called “Golf with the guys” or “Night out with the Girls.” It also erases the phone number from the contact card for your ‘ex’, and puts in a monthly reminder for the anniversary of your first date.

- The “Let’s just be friends” virus -
Immediately deletes the “I love you” virus, sends a “Let’s Just be friends” response, and books you for a discount weekend at Hedonism at an online travel site.

- The “Unsafe Sex” virus -
Spreads unprotected files to every other hard disk on the net.

- The “Safe Sex” virus -
Wraps the “I Love You letter” in a container that keeps it from spreading 99.45% of the time.

- The “Sexual Harassment Lawsuit” virus -
Forwards a copy of the “I Love You” virus to Human Resources and to your lawyer with threatening legal language attached. Automatically accepts settlement offer emails over $100k.

More variations are being discovered every day, so make sure you update your virus protection.

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship.

The male whale recognized it as the same ship that harpooned his father may years earlier. He said to the female, “Let’s both swim under the ship and blow out our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink.”

They tried and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.

Soon however, the whales realized the sailors were swimming to the safety of the shore. The male whale was enraged that they might get away and told the female, “Let’s swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore.”

At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him.

“Look,” she said, “I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen.”

This woman goes to a pet store to purchase some dog food.
She puts the bag of food up on the counter and notices a box full of frogs.

She reads the sign on the box. and it says…”Snatch Eating Frogs $20.00 each comes with instructions)”.

She looks at it for a minute…looks around to see if anyone’s watching her… and whispers to the man behind the counter…”I’LL TAKE ONE!”

He packages up a frog. The woman grabs her dog food and FROG and leaves on her way home. She gets home…takes out the instructions and reads them carefully doing exactly what it says to do.
1. Take a shower. Put on some nice smelling perfume.
2. Put on a very sexy Teddy.
3. Crawl into bed…spread your legs and put the frog down “THERE”.

To her surprise, nothing happens. So, she thought, perhaps the scent she chose is not appealing to the frog… So, she showers again…and tries another perfume. She gets back into bed, puts the frog between her legs and…NOTHING.

She’s totally frustrated and pissed off at this point.
She reads the instructions again thinking that there might be something she overlooked. At the bottom of the paper it says…

If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store. So, she does. The man behind the counter says, “I’ve had a few complaints earlier today, I’ll be right over to check out the problem”.

A few minutes later he knocks on the door.

He enters and says, “You’ll have to show me exactly what you did”.

She does. She showers, puts on the perfume puts on the Teddy, gets into bed… and puts the frog between her legs. NOTHING HAPPENS.

She says, “See, I’ve done everything according to the instructions and the damn thing just sits there.”

The man looking very concerned, picks up the frog, looks directly into its eyes and says, “I’M ONLY GOING TO SHOW YOU HOW TO DO THIS ONE MORE TIME!”

Years ago, a united Airlines flight at Denver’s old Stapleton International Airport was canceled.

As a harried United agent was re-booking the inconvenienced passengers on other flights, an angry primmadonna flier pushed his way to the front of the line, slapped his ticket down on the counter and exclaimed, “I MUST be on THIS flight, and it must be FIRST CLASS!”

The agent was polite and apologized for the inconvenience the passenger was experiencing, but said that to be fair, she had to help those who were ahead of him in line first.

The passenger exploded and yelled, “Do you know who I am?”

Without hesitating, the agent grabbed the public address microphone and said, “Ladies & Gentlemen, may I please have your attention? We have a passenger here at Gate 17 WHO DOESN’T KNOW WHO HE IS. If you can help identify him, please see me at the United Airlines boarding counter. Thank you for flying United!”

The other passengers in line began laughing hysterically. The angry passenger got even angrier and said to the female agent, “Fuck you!”

The other passengers laughed even louder and began applauding when she responded, “You’ll have to stand in line for THAT, too!”

The following are two of the top three winners of a Most Embarrassing Moments Contest:

“While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving *right now*, she would be punished.

To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, ‘If you don’t let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy’s pee pee last night!’

“The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing! I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter.”

Amy — Stafford,Virginia

“It was the day before my eighteenth birthday. I was living at home, but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone. As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the telephone ring downstairs. I suggested to my girlfriend that I give a piggyback ride to the phone. Since we didn’t want to miss the call, we didn’t have time to get dressed. When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on and a whole crowd of people yelled, ‘SURPRISE!’ My entire family - aunts, uncles, Grandparents, cousins and all my friends were standing there! My girlfriend and I were frozen in a state of shock and embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity. “Since then, no one in my family has planned a surprise party again.”

Tim –Poughkeepsie, New York

Three boys received their grades from their female sex education instructor.

One got a D+, the second a D- and the third an F.

“One day we should get her for this,” said the first boy.

“I agree. We’ll grab her…” said the second.

“Yeah,” said the third. “And then we’ll kick her in the nuts!”

A business man got on an elevator in a building. When he entered the elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted him by saying, “T-G-I-F”.

He smiled at her and replied, “S-H-I-T.”

She looked at him, puzzled, and said, “T-G-I-F” again.

He acknowledged her remark again by answering, “S-H-I-T.”

The blond was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said as sweetly as possibly “T-G-I-F” another time.

The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a quizzical
expression, “S-H-I-T.”

The blond finally decided to explain things, and this time she said, “T-G-I-F, Thank Goodness It’s Friday, get it?”

The man answered, “Sorry, Honey, It’s Thursday.”

A sailor, after placing flowers on a grave in a cemetery, noticed an old Chinese man placing a bowl of rice on a nearby grave, and asked, “What time do you expect your friend to come up and eat the rice?”

The old Chinese man replied, with a smile, “Same time your friend come up to smell flowers.”