Jokes News

What did the blonde say when she looked in the box of Cheerios?

“Look, donut seeds!”

Here is a summary by Mr. Clinton’s lawyer of the released transcript of Mr.Clinton’s testimony yesterday:

The President absolutely did not engage in any sexual conduct with Miss Lewinsky and will vigorously defend himself against such claims. However the President would like to state that it is possible that a perfectly
innocent incident has been twisted by right wing Republicans in order to undermine his administration.

Mr. Clinton has said that there was an occasion when it was necessary for him to adjust his clothing he noticed with some embarrassment that his fly was undone. The President said that he unfortunately had some difficulty with his
clothing as his zipper got stuck.

Because Mr. Clinton has slight arthritis in his hands he found he could not get the zipper up. He therefore, for medical reasons, was forced to enlist the assistance of one of his staffers, who was Miss Lewinsky.

In the course of assisting Mr. Clinton, Miss Lewinsky had to kneel in front of him to facilitate the operation of the zipper. For medical reasons Mr. Clinton has been advised to wear no undergarments and it so happened, that in their
anxiety to end the embarrassment and rectify the fly problem, that Mr.Clinton’s penis may have fallen out of his trousers.

As Miss Lewinsky was grappling with his fly and felt sure that she nearly had it, and did not want Mr. Clinton to be seen with his penis hanging out, she took the presidential penis into her mouth so that it would not be visible
should anyone enter the room. Mr. Clinton was unable to use his own hands for this purpose as he was assisting Miss Lewinsky by holding her hair out of her face so she could properly visualize his fly.

It took some minutes for Miss Lewinsky to fix Mr. Clinton’s fly, and it was during this time that another staff member entered the room and apparently completely misconstrued the situation.

Mr. Clinton would like to reiterate that there was nothing unusual about his working relationship with Miss Lewinsky. He did say however that as he had trouble with his fly on a number of occasions, necessitating Miss Lewinsky’s repeated assistance, he was considering changing his tailor.

“What seems to be the problem, Miss Appleby?” inquired the doctor.

“Look at my ears, doc. They’re both burnt.”

“My lord, how did that happen?”

“I was ironing when the phone rang, but I mistakenly put my ear to the iron instead of the phone.”

“How awful, but what about the other ear?”

“The bastard called back.”

A man went to the store and bought a few eggs for his breakfast but when he got home, he found all the shells empty. He went to the shopkeeper to ask for an explanation. The shopkeeper checked all the eggs in the shop and surprisingly they were all empty too.

Perplexed, both of them went to the poultry farm to check where this problem was actually taking place. They found a hen that had just laid an egg, but when the shopkeeper broke it open, there was nothing inside. Then they turned and saw a cock wearing a condom and taking rest for another go…

A blind guy walks into the bar, picks up his seeing eye dog, and spins it around in the air. The bartender looks at the guy and says “Man, what in the heck are you doing?” the blind guy replies, “oh, just looking around.”

Soon after our last child left home for college, my husband was resting next to me on the couch with his head in my lap. I carefully removed his glasses. “You know, Honey,” I said sweetly, “without your glasses, you look like the same handsome, young man I married.”

“Honey,” he replied with a grin, “without my glasses, you still look pretty good, too!”

I have five siblings . . . three sisters and two brothers.

One night I was chatting with my mom about how she had changed as a mother from her first child to her last.

She told me she really had mellowed quite a lot over the years . . .

“When your oldest sister coughed or sneezed, I called the ambulance. When your youngest brother swallowed a dime, I just told him it was coming out of his allowance.”

One day, 3 friends were golfing. The first man took his shot, and it landed right up on the green. The second man took his shot, and it landed on the fairway.
When the third man took his shot, however, he doesn’t get nearly as nice a shot. A sharp hook takes the ball right into the rough. The second man asks him, “What happened?” The man just smiles as a rabbit hops out onto the tee with the golf ball in its mouth. A hawk circling overhead then swoops down and picks up the rabbit. As the hawk flies over the green, it drops the rabbit. The rabbit hops over to the hole and drops the ball in.
The second man turned to the first and says, “Danmit Jesus, i hate playing with your dad!”
“I’m sorry Moses, it isnt my fault!”

Q: Have you ever smelled mothballs?

A: Well, how did you spread their tiny legs?

If the glove don’t fit
You must Acquit.
If the dress is a mess
You must Confess.