Jokes News

Q: What happened when the blue ship sankin the Red Sea?

A: The sailors were marooned.

Q: What do you call something that’s long, hard, and full of seamen?

A: A Submarine

Q: What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies?

A: Snowballs

Joe: Why don’t you play golf with Bob anymore?

Mike: Would you play with someone who curses after each shot, cheats in the bunkers and enters false scores on his card?

Joe: No, of course not!

Mike: Neither will Bob.

Mr. Blyth was shaving one morning when the can of shaving cream slipped from his hand and struck the toilet seat, scraping it. Knowing how particular his wife was about the bathroom, Mr. Blyth quietly slipped downstairs, found some paint that was just the right color, and quickly repainted the seat.

Late for work, he then hurried out, forgetting to leave a note about the seat. Thus, when his wife awoke and went to the bathroom, she found herself stuck to the seat.

Unable to move, she sat there crying until her husband came home for lunch. Apologizing profusely, Mr. Blyth unscrewed the toilet seat and helped his wife into bed, lying her face-down.

“What are we going to do?” she wailed, “I can’t spend the rest of my life wearing a toilet seat!”

“Don’t worry,” answered her husband, “I’ll call the doctor and see if he can help.”

Putting in a call to the family physician, Mr. Blyth delicately didn’t tell him what had happened but explained that there was no way his wife could go to his office. Reluctantly, the doctor agreed to stop by on his way home.

When the physician arrived, Mr. Blyth ushered him into the bedroom, where his wife got on her hands and knees and displayed her entrapped buttocks.

Mr. Blyth asked, “Well, doctor, you see why I called. What do you think?”

Stroking his chin, the doctor said, “I think it’s lovely, but why such a cheap frame?”

A pig farmer had about 9 sows he needed to get bred. He called around the area to only find out the only available breeder was two counties over. So he loaded up the pigs in a truck and headed out.

When he got to the breeder, as he was unloading the pigs, the man ask what it would cost. The man replied, “It’ll be $100.00 a sow”. The man says, “That’s outrageous, I don’t have that kind of money”.

So he loaded up the pigs and headed home. On the way home he was thinking how he could save a lot of money if he just did it himself.

So he pulled down a dirt road and took the pigs off one at a time, Pop Pop Pop, and he was done.

When he got home he unloaded the pigs and went in to bed. Knowing if it took the next morning, they would be in the grass and if not, they would still be in the mud.

So when he awoke the next morning his wife was cleaning up around the room, He asked, “Hey honey, are those pigs in the grass”?

She says, “No, they’re all in the mud”. Well he shook his head in anger and decided he would try it one more time.

So he loaded up the pigs and headed down the dirt road again.

Taking the pigs off one at a time Pop Pop Pop and he was done. Took the pigs home and unloaded them in the pin. Went in and went to bed.

The next morning his wife again was cleaning up the house and he yelled, “Honey, are those pigs still in the mud”?
No, she says.

He rose up in the bed and says, “Are they off in the grass”?
“No,” she says.

“They’re all up in the truck and one of them is honking the Horn…”

Your so ulgy that when you were born your mom ask the doctor, “What is it docter?” and the docter said, “I dont know but if it moves I’ll shoot.”

What did the cannibal say when he came upon a sleeping missionary?

“Aaaah! Breakfast in bed!”

Which moves faster, heat or cold?

Heat, anyone could catch cold.

Little Billy and Johnnie were arguing in school about who had the toughest Dad. Billy said his Dad was the toughest, but Johnnie said his Dad was tougher, cause he could eat light bulbs.

Billy said, “How do you know your Dad eats light bulbs?”

Johnnie said, “‘Cause I had to use the bathroom one night, and as I passed my mom and dad’s room, I heard Dad tell Mom…”CUT THE LIGHT OUT AND I WILL EAT IT…”

There was a boy named Jimmy and his mother thought that lately he had been acting very weird.

So, she went to talk to the preacher about the little boy. The next day the little boy went to church and the preacher told him to go in the confession room.

When he got in there the preacher asked him where God was and he did not answer because he was scared so the preacher asked him again, shouting this time.

The boy starts crying so his mama comes and asks him what is wrong and he said, “The preacher is asking me where God is and he thinks that I’ve got him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Three guys were debating who has the best memory.

First guy says, “I can remember the first day of my First Grade class.”

Second guy says, “I can remember my first day at Nursery School!”

Not to be outdone, the third guy says, “Heck, that’s nothing. I can remember going to the Senior Prom with my father and coming home with my mother!”