Jokes News

This is a specially-formulated diet designed to help women cope with the stress that builds up during the day.

BREAKFAST
1 grapefruit
1 slice whole-wheat toast
1 cup skim milk

LUNCH
Small portion lean, steamed chicken
1 cup of spinach
1 cup herbal tea
1 Hershey kiss

AFTERNOON SNACK
The rest of the kisses in the bag
1 tub of Hagen Daas ice cream with chocolate-chip topping

DINNER
4 bottles of wine (red or white)
2 loaves garlic bread
1 family-size supreme pizza
3 snickers bars

LATE NIGHT SNACK
1 whole frozen Sarah Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from the freezer)

REMEMBER: STRESSED SPELLED BACKWARDS IS “DESSERTS.”

A husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up, but then the wife stops and says “I don’t feel like it, I just want you to hold me. ”

The husband says “WHAT??”

The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a Woman.

The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.

The next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept. store.

He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits and then tells his wife, “We’ll take all three of them.”

Next they go over and get matching shoes worth $200 each.

Finally, they go to the Jewelry Dept. and get a set of diamond earrings.

The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care).

She goes for the tennis bracelet.

The husband says “but you don’t even play tennis, but OK if you like it then let’s get it.”

The wife is jumping up and down so excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says “I am ready to go, let’s go to the cash register.”

The husband says, “No - no - no, honey we’re not going to BUY all this stuff.”

The wife’s face goes blank.

“No honey, I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while.”

Her face gets really red and she is about to explode and then the Husband says “You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a Man!!!”

Why did NASA send a woman into space?

She was 30 lbs lighter than a dishwasher.

A man approached a local guy in a village where he was visiting. “Excuse me, Sir. What’s the quickest way to York?”

The local scratched his head.

“Are you walking or driving?” he asked the stranger.

“I’m driving.”

“That’s the quickest way!” said the yokel, wandering off.

The worst foursome in golf:

Monica Lewinsky
O.J. Simpson
Ted Kennedy
Bill Clinton

1. Monica is a hooker
2. O.J. is a slicer
3. Ted can’t drive over water
4. Bill doesn’t know what hole to play.

Once upon a time there were three people. One named Manners, Shut Up and Trouble. One day they were playing hide and seek. Manners got a tummy ache so he went to toilet. Trouble was hiding. While Shut Up was looking for trouble he met a policeman.

police: What is your name?
Shut Up: Shut Up!
police: Are you looking for Trouble?
Shut Up: Yes
police: Where’s your Manners?
Shut Up: in the toilet

An associational minister arrived one Sunday morning in a small, rural town. The local minister had invited the visiting minister to help with a local problem. “Everyone here thinks they are just perfect!” said the local minister. “Could you preach a sermon that will bring them back to their senses?”

The associational minister was a very gifted speaker, most eloquent with words and very knowledgeable about the Scriptures. He spoke for nearly an hour, convincing everyone that they, too, were sinners.

Finally, the visiting minister felt sure that he had set everyone straight. To make sure that they were now thinking properly again, he asked the congregation: “Is there anyone here who still thinks you are perfect?”

Everyone was looking at the floor, pondering. Slowly, one man in the back stood up. The minister asked the man, “And why do you stand, Sir?”

The man said, I am not perfect, but I am standing in memory of my wife’s first husband, who was!”

A man answers the phone and has the following conversation: “Yes, Mother, I’ve had a hard day. Mary-Louise has been quite difficult…Yes, I know I ought to be more firm with her, but it is hard. Well, you know how she is…

Yes, I remember you warned me. I remember you told me that she was hard to get along with and would make my life miserable, and you warned me not to marry her.

Oh, how right you were about her!

You want to speak with her? All right, hold on.”

He looks up from the telephone and calls to his wife in the next room, “Mary-Louise, your mother wants to talk to you!”