Jokes News

Hillary wanted to add some color to the White House. She decided to look at tropical birds for reasons known only to her. While shopping for the bird, she visited a local pet store which was known for its collection of tropical birds. As she was viewing the collection, she noted a vast difference in prices.

“Why is this one only $50 and all the others are $500?” she
asked.

“Well, ma’am,” the manager told her, “not everyone would want to own this parrot. He spent many years in a whorehouse and his language is terrible.”

“Well, I want him,” she said.

“Suit yourself,” the manager shrugged.

When she got the parrot back to the White House, she uncovered his cage and admired the colorful bird. The parrot tilted his head to one side, looked her straight in the eye and said, “New house, new madam.” Hillary laughed.

Soon, Chelsea and a friend came in and began admiring the bird. “New house, new whores,” the parrot observed. At first they were offended, but when Hillary explained about the bird’s history, they too, laughed at him. A few minutes later the President entered the living quarters.

The parrot looked up from his feeder and said, “Hi, Bill”.

When I take a long time, I am slow.

When my boss takes a long time, He is thorough.

When I don’t do it, I am lazy.

When my boss doesn’t do it, He is too busy.

When I do something without being told, I am trying to be smart.

When my boss does the same, That is initiative.

When I make a mistake, I’m an idiot.

When my boss makes a mistake, He’s only human.

When I take a stand, I’m being bull-headed.

When my boss does it, He’s being firm.

When I overlook a rule of ettiquette, I’m being rude.

When my boss skips a few rules, He’s being original.

When I’m out of the office, I’m wandering around.

When my boss is out of the office, He’s on business.

When I have too many drinks at a social, I’m a drunken bum.

When my boss does the same, He’s just too polite to refuse a drink.

When I’m on a day off sick, I’m always sick.

When my boss is a day off sick, He must be very ill.

When I apply for leave, I must be going for an interview.

When my boss applies for leave, it’s because He’s overworked.

When I please my boss, I’m apple-polishing.

When my boss pleases his boss, He’s co-operating.

When I do good, my boss never remembers.

When I do wrong, He never forgets.

It was a beautiful spring day as the mother and her 5 year old daughter strolled, hand-in-hand down the country lane…they picked wild flowers, watched the butterflies, and generally enjoyed their walk together.

Soon, they came upon a pasture where a pair a horses were in the process of “mating”…the little girl stopped and pointed…”Mommy, what are those horseys doing?” she asked.

Her mother was very embarrased, but she thought quickly… “Well,” she told her young daughter, “The horse on the top…hurt his ankle while playing in the field, and the horse on the bottom…is helping him get back to the barn.”

They walked along in silence for awhile, the the little girl said “Life is just like that, isn’t it, Mommy?

Her mom asked, “What do you mean dear?”

The little girl replied, “Whenever you try to help somebody… you get fucked!”

As I boot up my PC,
my modem dailing next to me,
I ask the Lord, give me a sign….
Will I ever get on-line?????
If you’d kindly let me through,
I’ll byte no more than I can chew.
I’ll surf the waves amid the Net,
with my mouse, my loyal pet.
And through each window I will see
the websites that are offered me.
Resisting any chat room’s lure,
I’ll download only what is pure.
If system errors don’t prevail,
I vow to read all my e-mail.
If you save me from a crash,
I’ll dump my games into the trash.
Just please don’t take my CD-ROM!
Thank you Lord,
God Bless.com

In a nursing home: “Remember, Abe, when we were at war (WWII), and they gave us these pills so that we wouldn’t want to chase women?”

“Yeah, I remember . . . .”

“It seems that they finally have started working.”

This guy came home to his wife one evening after working all day and began ordering her around. To his surprise the wife interrupted him by saying that she was tired and had a rough day herself. He looked at her in funny way and began unbuttoning his pants. She just stood there in a curious manner.

“Here,” he said, “put these pants on.”

“These will never fit me,” she said. “I could get two people in these.”

Without hesitation he exclaimed, “Now we know who wears the pants in this family, don’t we?” he laughed.

She looked and him and grinned and unbuttoned her pants. “Try these on,” she said as she grabbed for her panties.

Her husband looked at her and said, “I can’t get into your panties.”

“Darn right”, she said with a laugh. “You better remember that the next time you go bossing me around.”

35 Fun Things to do When Driving

1. Have a friend ride in the back seat. Gagged.
2. Roll down your windows and blast talk radio. Headbang.
3. Wear snorkel gear and hang fish around from the ceiling.
4. Two words: Chicken suit.
5. Write the words “Help me” on your back window in red paint. The more it looks like blood, the better.
6. Pay the toll for the car behind you. Watch in rearview mirror as toll collector tries to explain to next driver.
7. Laugh. Laugh a lot. A whooooole lot.
8. Stop at the green lights.
9. Go at the red ones.
10. Occasionally wave a stuffed animal/troll doll/Barbie out your window or sunroof. Feel free to make it dance.
11. Eat food that requires silverware.
12. Put your arms down the legs of an extra pair of trousers, put sneakers on your hands, and lean the seat back as you drive.
13. At stop lights, eye the person in the next car suspiciously. With a look of fear, suddenly lock your doors.
14. Honk frequently without motivation.
15. Wave at people often. If they wave back, offer an offended and angry look as if they gave you an obscene gesture.
16. At stop lights, ask people if they have any Grey Poupon.
17. Let pedestrians know who’s boss.
18. Look behind you frequently, with a very paranoid look.
19. Restart your car at every stop light.
20. Hang numerous car-fresheners in the rear-view mirror. Talk to them, stroking them lovingly.
21. Lob burning things in the windows of smokers who throw their butts out the window.
22. Keep at least five monkeys in the car.
23. Squeegee your windshield at every stop.
24. If a firetruck comes up behind you, pull over, get on the roof of your car, and do a cheer for them as they pass!
25. Compliment other drivers on their skill and finesse.
26. Have conversations, looking periodically at the passenger seat, when driving alone.
27. Stop and collect roadkill.
28. Stop and pray for roadkill.
29. Stop and cook roadkill. (If in Tennessee.)
30. Throw Spam. Tape signs on windows protesting email abuse.
31. Get in the fast lane and gradually… slow… down… to… a stop. Then get out and watch the cars.
32. Vary your vehicle’s speed inversely with the speed limit.
33. Drive off an exit ramp, ask for directions to the town you’re in. When they tell you you’re there, look confused, glance at your map, laugh, and exclaim, “Oh! Wrong state!”
34. Sing without having the radio on. Loud.
35. At stop lights, run out of your car, place pylons around you, then gather them back up as the light changes and drive off..

Yo Mama is so fat, when I said something behind her back she told me to say it to her face, but I only had a half tank of gas!!

Yo mama’s breath is so stinky,
people look forward to her farts

One day, John was masturbating when his dad came in the room.

“Son, how many times have I told you not to do that? You’ll go blind.”

“I’m over here, Dad.”