Jokes News

A man was walking on the sidewalk when he spotted a lamp. When he rubbed it, he was granted three wishes. “However,” the genie said, “every lawyer in the world will receive your wish twice.” The man agreed.

“For my first wish, I would like a million dollars,” the man said. POOF! He had a million dollars.

“Now every lawyer has two million dollars. What is your second wish?” the genie asked.

“I’d like a Ferrari,” the man replied. POOF! He had a Ferrari.

“All lawyers now have two Ferraris. What is your last wish?” the genie asked.

After some thought, the man said, “Well, I’ve always wanted to donate a kidney….”

Lil’ polar bear goes to his mom and asks, “Mom am I 100% pure Polar Bear?”

Mother Bear says, “Why yes, son, you are! If you do not believe me, go ask your Pops.”

So the lil’ polar bear goes to Pops and asks, “Pops, am I 100% pure polar bear?”

The father answers, “Well let’s see… my mom and Pop were both pure Polar Bears, so were your grandparents on your mom’s side and both your mom and I are pure 100% polar bears so I guess that makes you also a 100% pure Polar Bear…but why did you ask, son?”

The lil’ polar bear rubbing his hands says, ” ‘Cause…I’m fuckin’ freezin’!!!”

Two nuns are doing the weekly groceries and see a sign:
“Bananas, 3 for 25 cents.”

One nun turns to the other and says, “We could always eat one.”

A 2nd grade ‘Sex Education’ class is asking the teacher questions about sex.

A girl asks the teacher, “Can my mother get pregnant?” The teacher replies, “How old is your mother?” The little girl answers, “36.” The teacher says, “Yes, your mother can get pregnant.”

So the litle girl asks, “Can my older sister get pregnant?” The teacher asks, “How old is your sister?” The little girl replies, “19.” The teacher says, “Oh my, yes, your sister can get pregnant.”

The girl asks the teacher, “Can I get pregnant?” The teacher asks, “How old are you?” The young girl replies, “7 years old.” The teacher replies, “Oh, no, you can’t get pregnant!”

The little boy behind her pokes her in the back with his pencil and says, “See? I told you we had nothing to worry about!”

How many communists does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, the lightbulb bears within it the seeds of its own revolution.

A very well-built young blond was lying on her psychiatrist’s couch, telling him how frustrated she was. “I tried to be an actress and failed,” she complained. “I tried to be a secretary and failed; I tried being a writer and failed; then I tried being a sales clerk and I failed at that, too.”

The shrink thought for a moment and said, “Everyone needs to live a full, satisfying life. Why don’t you try nursing?”

The girl thinks about this, then bares one of her large, beautiful breasts, points it at the shrink, and says, “Well go ahead, I’ll give it a try!”

The Three Religious Truths of Life:

1. The Jews don’t recognize the Messiah.

2. Protestants don’t recognize the Pope.

3. Two Baptists in a liquor store don’t recognize each other.