Jokes News

1) Hello, you’ve reached Al and Susie. We can’t pick up the phone right now because we’re doing something we really enjoy. Susie likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right . . .real slowly. So leave a message, and when we’re done brushing our teeth, we’ll get back to you.

2) (Sexy female voice with heavy panting) Hi, you’ve reached 444-2345. Al is in…(sigh) Oh no, he’s out…(aah) Yes, he’s in again…(ooh) No, he’s out…(ahh) …Oh yes, he’s innnn…(ohhh). Why don’t you just leave your name and number and he’ll call you as soon as he ……. comes.

Last night my friend, who is a woman, came up to me and said, “My boyfriend screws like an ape!”

And I said in response, “He has a 2 inch dick too!”

TWO MORONS BUY A COW AND TAKE IT HOME. AFTER A FEW DAYS THEY REALIZE THAT THE COW ISN’T DRINKING.

THEY DECIDE TO TAKE IT DOWN TO THE RIVER AND FORCE IT TO DRINK.

AFTER SEVERAL UNSUCCESSFUL ATTEMPTS, ONE MORON SAYS TO THE OTHER,”I’LL HOLD HIS HEAD IN THE WATER AND YOU SUCK ON HIS ASS”.

AFTER A FEW MINUTES THE MORON AT THE HEAD YELLS BACK TO HIS FRIEND, “IS IT WORKING?”.

HIS FRIEND REPLIES, “YES,BUT RAISE HIS HEAD, I’M GETTING MUD.”

Yo mama is so stupid…she forgot the recipe for making ice.

Yo mama is so fat..she left the house in heels and returned in clogs.

Yo mama’s house is so dirty…the cockroaches get around in dune buggies.

Yo mama is so poor…I went to her house, stepped on a cigarette butt..and heard her yell..”Who turned off the heater!!”

Yo mama is so fat, when she goes jogging..she leaves pot holes.

Yo mama is so fat..when she wears an “X-Files” t-shirt, the helicopters wanna land on her.

Yo mama is so fat she plays hop-scotch like this–”California, Texas, Virginia…”

Saw yo mama kickin a can..I asked, “What are you doing??”
She replied, “Moving.”

Yo mama is so skinny..you can handcuff her with fruit loops.

Yo mama is so fat, after sex she smokes a turkey.

Yo mama is so fat..when she goes to the zoo the elephants throw her peanuts.

At a popular department store, as a little eight-year old girl positions herself comfortably on his lap, the department store Santa Claus asks the usual, “And what would you like to have this Christmas?”

The girl stares at Santa Claus with a wide-eyed and shocked expression and asks in an anguished voice, “Didn’t you get my e-mail yesterday morning?”

*Yo mama so skinny her nipples touch

*yo mama so bald, when she puts on a turtleneck shirt she looks like a busted condom.

*Yo mama so ugly she joined a contest for ugly people, and they said no professionals

* Yo mama so big her belly button got an echo.

* Yo mama so fat she walked past the t.v. and I missed three commercials.

The black guy noticed that the white guy always came to work with a smile on his face.

He asked him one day “Man, how come you always come to work with a smile on your face every day?”

The white guy replied, “That’s because I make love to my wife every morning before work.”

Amazed the black guy asks him how he gets his wife to make love to him every morning.

“That’s easy,” the white guy said. “I just tell her the same poem when I wake up: ‘Blondie, Blondie, eyes so blue, I just love waking up and making love to you!’”

Determined, the black guy decides to take his friend’s advice. The next day the black guy shows up to work just all beat to hell, black eyes, broken nose, fat lip, the works.

The white guy says, “Man, what happened to you!”

The black guy says “I don’t know, I went home and tried your advice.”

“Well, what poem did you tell your wife?” the white guy asked.

The black guy replied:
“Nappy head, Nappy head, eyes like a frog, if I could roll your fat ass over, I’d do you like a dog!”

One day, Monica Lewinsky died and went to Hell. Later that day, Clinton died and went to Hell also. He met Satan and Satan said to him, “You have three choices of eternal punishment.”

He opened up the first door and there were people walking around in the flames, screaming in pain.

Bill said, “I really don’t like that one much.”

Satan showed him what was behind another door and there were people whose heads were chopped off and put back on, and chopped off again.

Bill said, “I really don’t like that one much, either.”

Satan showed him what was behind Door #3. In the room, he saw Monica Lewinsky sucking Ken Starr’s dick. Bill said, “I’ll take it!”

Satan grinned and said, “Monica! Stop that! You’ve got a replacement!”

Jesus, Joseph, and Mary were doing chores around their home in Nazareth when, suddenly, Jesus ran outside to Joseph and asked, “Did you call me?”

“No, I’m sorry,” Joseph replied. “I just hit my thumb with the hammer again.”