Jokes News

QUESTION. Why can’t women ski?

ANSWER. because there is no slope between the bedroom and the kitchen.

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of their place. The farmer had tried to be nice to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly relationship. But, she kept nagging at them whenever she got the chance, making life unbearable to the farmer and his new bride.

While they were walking through the barn, the farmer’s mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly.

At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by.

The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper to the farmer, he’d nod his head yes and then say something. But, whenever a man whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head no and mumble a reply. Curious as to this unusual behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.

The farmer replied, “The women would say, ‘What an awful tragedy’, and I’d nod my head yes and say, ‘Yes, it was.’

“The men would ask, ‘Can I borrow that mule?’ and I’d say, ‘I can’t. It’s all booked up for a year.’”

Q: What do you call a group of 24 blonds?
A: A case of empties.

What does a turtle and a blonde have in common?

Once their on their backs, their fucked.

Susie and John are sitting in Primary class during church, John is sitting behind Susie and starts to fall a sleep. The teacher asks, “what did the sick man say to Jesus?”

And the teacher calls on susie, who is sleeping, the answer of the question.Then John pokes susie in the back with a pen.and Susie cries out “Oh,holy Christ!”

The teacher asks an other question. “What did Christ say to the lord in his prayr?”

And she calls on Susie again, and John again pokes Susie in the spine with a pen. Susie cries out “Oh, mercifal Lord!”

Then the teacher asks the question, “What did Eve say to Adam after their 22nd child?”

She once again calls on Susie to answer the question, and again John pokes Susie in the spine with a pen. And Susie cries out, “Poke me with that thing one more time……!”

Gentile wife to husband: “Go out and buy some Viagra!”

Jewish wife to husband: “Go out and buy some shares of Pfizer!”

Little Johnny and Mary couldn’t sleep one night because of the moaning sounds comming from their parents’ bedroom.

They got up, walked down the hall and noticed the door was ajar.

After peering in for a few moments Mary says to Johnny, “Gee! and Mom gets mad at ME when I suck my THUMB!”

The following is taken from a Florida newspaper:

A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the house in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle and somehow, the motorcycle slipped into gear. The man, still holding the handlebars, was dragged through a glass patio door and along with the motorcycle dumped onto the floor inside the house. The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room, and found her husband laying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle laying next to him and the patio door shattered. The wife ran to the phone and summoned an amblulance.

Because they lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down the several flights of long steps to the street to direct the paramedics to her husband.

After the ambulance arrived and transported the husband to the hospital, the wife up-righted the motorcycle and pushed it outside. Seeing that gas had spilled on the floor, the wife obtained some papers towels, blotted up the gasoline, and threw the towels in the toilet.

The husband was treated at the hospital and was released to come home. After arriving home, he looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He became despondent, went into the bathroom, sat on the toilet and smoked a cigarette. After finishing the cigarette, he flipped it between his legs into the toilet bowl while still seated. The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. She ran into the bathroom and found her husband lying on the floor. His trousers had been blown away and he was suffering burns on the buttocks, the back of his legs and his groin.

The wife again ran to the phone and called for an ambulance. The same ambulance crew was dispatched and the wife met them at the street. The paramedics loaded the husband on the stretcher and began carrying him to the street. While they were going down the stairs to the street, accompanied by the wife, one of the paramedics asked the wife how the husband had burned himself. She told them and the paramedics started laughing so hard, one of them tipped the stretcher and dumped the husband out. He fell down the remaining steps and broke his arm.

A guy rings the doctor and says…
“Doctor, I REALLY think I’m sick!”
The doctor says…
“What makes you think you’re sick?”
The guy says…
“I’m in bed with my sister!”

Three men - an Engineer, an Artist and Bill Clinton - go on safari when a huge elephant ambles out of the bush.

The Engineer looks at the animal and thinks:
“What a powerful beast, if only my employees could come up with something as efficient as that”.

The Artist thinks:
“If only we could catch him, we could make lots of beautiful things with his hide.”

And Bill Clinton thinks:
“I wonder what the elephant thinks of me!”